Memories of Kenya

#1
A post by Senor Chavez reminiscing about adventure training in Lake Naivasha, Kenya got me thinking. I've done 5 tours in that wonderful country and have a raft of fond memories - bukkake parties in the old Jambo House; 12 of us surrounding 2 whores and turning them into something resembling candlestick holders, laughing at an AIDS raddled whore who, while plugging her cunt with a Tusker bottle, lost bowel control and turned a rather ordinary evening in Nanyuki into a scatologists dream.

Blowing up a giant tortoise with HE grenades, shooting a wounded camel, doing my dhobi in the lodge swimming pool, getting sucked off in the Riverside by a whore based purely on the basis she looked like Whoopi Goldberg, watching an elephant cry, laughing at a fat medic who genuinely thought he'd bagged off at the Sportsman's, paying 20 shillings to watch a coon called John Barnes batter a coon called Ian Beale, eating a veggie samosa and 15 minutes later wondering why I'd just sharted, watching a local in Archer's Post bathing in a croc infested river who had two bell ends, feeding insects my DNA, running away from lions on a night exercise and paying for 3 very underage 'hairdressers' in Watamu to take turns sucking me off.

Exercise Grand Prix is the only thing, apart from selling stolen rations and MTP equipment on eBay, which makes the army bearable these days. Any more dits about women with cunts resembling velcro dipped in cottage cheese?
 
#2
Was the elephant crying out of embarrassment or envy?
 
#3
The smell of the bogs in the Riverside, throwing shillings at bunches of kids just to watch them knock fuck out of each other for them, riding the airborne chariot from the camp down to the sportsman........ oh! and never touching any of the gopping fuckin whores
 
#4
Choghi fishing. Get a 10 shilling note, attatch to fishing wire, and trail from the back of a Bedford as you're being driven around. Hours of fun...
 
Z

Zarathustra

Guest
#5
Treating the kids that appear out of no where on the way to Archers post to a quick snack of cam cream covered hexi blocks with a bottle of refreshing piss to wash it down with. Only for the kids to respond with "Oi fuck off like!" in a perfect geordie accent.

Archers post one of the LECs known as "survivor" went out and caught a large camel spider and an equally large scorpion. This two giants of the wild were placed in a plastic bowl and bets were placed on who the winner might be. Until the bowl tipped over and the fighters escaped, causing half a company of blokes to run screaming from the tent.

getting amoebic dysentery because the CQMS couldn't be bothered to drive back to NSG so filled the water bowser up at a tap on the area on Kamwaki Farm.
 
#6
Treating the kids that appear out of no where on the way to Archers post to a quick snack of cam cream covered hexi blocks with a bottle of refreshing piss to wash it down with. Only for the kids to respond with "Oi fuck off like!" in a perfect geordie accent.

Archers post one of the LECs known as "survivor" went out and caught a large camel spider and an equally large scorpion. This two giants of the wild were placed in a plastic bowl and bets were placed on who the winner might be. Until the bowl tipped over and the fighters escaped, causing half a company of blokes to run screaming from the tent.

getting amoebic dysentery because the CQMS couldn't be bothered to drive back to NSG so filled the water bowser up at a tap on the area on Kamwaki Farm.

Hahahaha... reminds me of Kosovo, Kendal mint cake anyone?
 
#7
I hope the lawyers working for themselves under the heading 'Mau Mau Human Rights Abuses' aren't in the habit of reading this website...........
 
#9
Ah well..... just a thought..... I don't suppose those legal types 'get' the NAAFI humour, just didn't want to hand them the ammo to support their case.....

Anyway, must get back to cataloging my copies of Train Spotters Monthly
 
#10
Ex Pineapple 93. Training Area Clearance at Mpala Farm Admind by 3 Para on MonoPrix.

Hoofing 6 weeks of neo colonial exploitation of the Dark Continent. Details later.
 
#11
Beatifully dropping a jock hardman on the short stretch of dirt leading to the Sportsman after watching him dig a 10 year old boy so hard his lips split wide open, the pasty faced cunt was dragged round by his boss next day looking for the naughty man who had apparently 'jumped him for no reason' and left him a couple of split eyebrows and a fucked jaw.

Also, squeezing my cock into a bozz eyed night fighter whilst the troop wretch fucked her mouth like a rutting dog, my jonny split but every time I looked down to see her meaty pinkness enveloping my now unprotected stem I found it increasingly more difficult to withdraw meaning I ended up spilling 10 days of Archers Roast flavoured glue into her twitching tummy..
 
#13
Tusker lager.
The local supermarket in Nanyuki. distinctly remember a tin of tongue, with a picture of a cows tongue on it??? Put me right off.
Throwing shillings in the small river full of glass for the local kids.
Buying a pair of flip flops made of old tyres.
Giving a Masai warrior in full regalia a lift.
Watching a black woman lift her skirt and piss in a grid, this was in Nairobi
Walking forever to get to an exclusive club, that wouldnt let us in without ties. Toward mt kenya from nanyuki.
A shoeshiner grabbing my foot and applying polish, and getting a shine on my right hush puppy suede brogue shoe, quicker than I thought possible.
Driving in to Thika (Of flames trees fame) and thinking, hmmmmm what a shithole.
Logistics knob refusing to send a parcel/packet/letter (who fucking cares) until I admitted I didn't know (care) what the difference was.
Being issue flyspray for them ground burrowing spider things.
Sending live traffic to Cyprus via morse.
 
#14
Ah well..... just a thought..... I don't suppose those legal types 'get' the NAAFI humour, just didn't want to hand them the ammo to support their case.....

Anyway, must get back to cataloging my copies of Train Spotters Monthly
Go to bed you do gooding cunt.

Don't fuck up the first quality thread in ages, have you been on Grand Prix or are wibbling about a place you've never trod foot in?
 
#15
Waiting to go up to Mpala Farm at the Nanyuki Sports Ground for a few days, doing the Admin Reorg, comms rear link plan and picking up the Kikuyu works party.

First night down the Riverside, couple of Tuskers down range and the Para Ord Offr comes in, calls curfew and initiates a mass return to NSG. Turns to my wing man and says, "Were not Mono Prix, f*ck curfew". We then promptly left with everyone else, turned left, shot round the back and went back in via the kitchen. We were then the only 2 white blokes on the streets of Nanyuki for the rest of the night. When the Riverside closed for the evening, me and my oppo then went with the non-catering staff to another bar (the Jungle???) til sun up. He was intent on getting a tour wife and I wasn't prepared to leave an oppo out on his own, so I spent his engagement playing draughts with Tusker bottle tops against some massive mama ho in one of the dodgiest 3rd world brothels I've ever been in.
 
#16
Fresh cashews from the kids by the Kalifi Ferry. English toilets buried into the ground so they could squat over them, fucking dangerous if you fell in. Flying into the Abadare Country Club and chatting with Geoffrey Palmer there. Shagging a white woman and finding out her son was quite a high ranking officer. The Indian woman who ran the Sportsmans cooking us a stonking curry. Woman killed by a car outside Kahawa Camp and the body staying there for several days and not being allowed to move it. Playing squash at Nanyuki in a squash court with sweat running down the walls. Doll doll and being told to shoot anyone trying to get in the thorns. Catching one of the wallahs nicking from the tents at Nanyuki and the Kenyan plod beating the guy to within an inch of his life. Going to a trout farm and eating like kings on fresh caught trout, can't remember the name but it was where the RE were on a project. Seeing a sign on a property gate in Nanyuki that identified the householder as Cpl (retd) class! The British Military Cemetery at Nanyuki. Landing back at Brize and they opened the aircraft doors and no-one wanting to leave the plane because it was fucking freezing.
No Mau Mau were hurt in the telling of this yarn.
 
#17
Big Grace.....chief Mama in the Sportsmans taking a shine to me and not letting any of the imported whores from Nairobi go near me.
Losing a water bowser out of a trailer racing back from Mpala Farm and going back to find a family of Kenyans practically living in it.
A resident of Hemmingways Hotel getting the hump that we hadn't paid to be there and telling him that his taxes had funded us.
Getting stabbed by a Masai's little spear when he jumped in the back of our landrover.
Breaking down in the middle of the Rift Valley and arguing over which would be best way to tab for help.
Drinking in the ComeBack Club till 5 in the morning.....(I still get the shakes thinking about it).
Swopping sweaty t shirts for African carvings.
One of the blokes stood at the bar in the Sportsmans with jizz on his shirt and not realising his oppo was responsible.
Having the shits so bad I thought I was dead.

Happy Happy Days!!
 
#18
Just remember feeling a bit shit for walking past a black guy on the deck about to die of dehydration after a night of imbibement, he wasnt a radio so I didnt know what to do with him, some medics did the honourable.

Swapping a really crap pair of jeans that were almost new for a carved elephant about 18" long and 12" high.
 
#19
Kenya the place that keeps on giving! Remember being served a beer by John Hurt's ex-wife in a mega little bar just on the outskirts of Nanyuki. It did a lovely impala steak too. Also, getting a jolly in a Lynx off a pilot mate in the AAC, flying low over some zebra just like in an Attenborough documentary.

Watching an ostrich having a piss like a pit pony, wrestling with a tame cheetah in a game reserve then 2 hrs later doing a cull on buffalo with some park rangers, ending the day with the best BBQ I've ever had and rescuing a blotto full screw who fell in the shit pit. Putting dead AA batteries back in the wrappers and swapping them for rhino carvings, onyx chess sets and some stone jewellery, all of which I've still got, wrapped in the Nairobi Times, rotting in the garage. Getting a lift back to camp in an old New York style taxi with no engine, steered by a child and pushed by old men. Fucking quality.
 
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