Memories of Kenya

Discussion in 'Now That's What I Call NAAFI Bar' started by FiveAlpha, Apr 11, 2011.

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  1. A post by Senor Chavez reminiscing about adventure training in Lake Naivasha, Kenya got me thinking. I've done 5 tours in that wonderful country and have a raft of fond memories - bukkake parties in the old Jambo House; 12 of us surrounding 2 whores and turning them into something resembling candlestick holders, laughing at an AIDS raddled whore who, while plugging her cunt with a Tusker bottle, lost bowel control and turned a rather ordinary evening in Nanyuki into a scatologists dream.

    Blowing up a giant tortoise with HE grenades, shooting a wounded camel, doing my dhobi in the lodge swimming pool, getting sucked off in the Riverside by a whore based purely on the basis she looked like Whoopi Goldberg, watching an elephant cry, laughing at a fat medic who genuinely thought he'd bagged off at the Sportsman's, paying 20 shillings to watch a coon called John Barnes batter a coon called Ian Beale, eating a veggie samosa and 15 minutes later wondering why I'd just sharted, watching a local in Archer's Post bathing in a croc infested river who had two bell ends, feeding insects my DNA, running away from lions on a night exercise and paying for 3 very underage 'hairdressers' in Watamu to take turns sucking me off.

    Exercise Grand Prix is the only thing, apart from selling stolen rations and MTP equipment on eBay, which makes the army bearable these days. Any more dits about women with cunts resembling velcro dipped in cottage cheese?
     
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  2. Was the elephant crying out of embarrassment or envy?
     
  3. The smell of the bogs in the Riverside, throwing shillings at bunches of kids just to watch them knock fuck out of each other for them, riding the airborne chariot from the camp down to the sportsman........ oh! and never touching any of the gopping fuckin whores
     
  4. Choghi fishing. Get a 10 shilling note, attatch to fishing wire, and trail from the back of a Bedford as you're being driven around. Hours of fun...
     
  5. Treating the kids that appear out of no where on the way to Archers post to a quick snack of cam cream covered hexi blocks with a bottle of refreshing piss to wash it down with. Only for the kids to respond with "Oi fuck off like!" in a perfect geordie accent.

    Archers post one of the LECs known as "survivor" went out and caught a large camel spider and an equally large scorpion. This two giants of the wild were placed in a plastic bowl and bets were placed on who the winner might be. Until the bowl tipped over and the fighters escaped, causing half a company of blokes to run screaming from the tent.

    getting amoebic dysentery because the CQMS couldn't be bothered to drive back to NSG so filled the water bowser up at a tap on the area on Kamwaki Farm.
     
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  6. Hahahaha... reminds me of Kosovo, Kendal mint cake anyone?
     
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  7. I hope the lawyers working for themselves under the heading 'Mau Mau Human Rights Abuses' aren't in the habit of reading this website...........
     
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  8. And I hope you don't slip and drown in the shower you boring cunt
     
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  9. Ah well..... just a thought..... I don't suppose those legal types 'get' the NAAFI humour, just didn't want to hand them the ammo to support their case.....

    Anyway, must get back to cataloging my copies of Train Spotters Monthly
     
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  10. Ex Pineapple 93. Training Area Clearance at Mpala Farm Admind by 3 Para on MonoPrix.

    Hoofing 6 weeks of neo colonial exploitation of the Dark Continent. Details later.
     
  11. Beatifully dropping a jock hardman on the short stretch of dirt leading to the Sportsman after watching him dig a 10 year old boy so hard his lips split wide open, the pasty faced cunt was dragged round by his boss next day looking for the naughty man who had apparently 'jumped him for no reason' and left him a couple of split eyebrows and a fucked jaw.

    Also, squeezing my cock into a bozz eyed night fighter whilst the troop wretch fucked her mouth like a rutting dog, my jonny split but every time I looked down to see her meaty pinkness enveloping my now unprotected stem I found it increasingly more difficult to withdraw meaning I ended up spilling 10 days of Archers Roast flavoured glue into her twitching tummy..
     
  12. Why? Has 5A been fucking the old fella who was on the news the other day?
     
  13. Tusker lager.
    The local supermarket in Nanyuki. distinctly remember a tin of tongue, with a picture of a cows tongue on it??? Put me right off.
    Throwing shillings in the small river full of glass for the local kids.
    Buying a pair of flip flops made of old tyres.
    Giving a Masai warrior in full regalia a lift.
    Watching a black woman lift her skirt and piss in a grid, this was in Nairobi
    Walking forever to get to an exclusive club, that wouldnt let us in without ties. Toward mt kenya from nanyuki.
    A shoeshiner grabbing my foot and applying polish, and getting a shine on my right hush puppy suede brogue shoe, quicker than I thought possible.
    Driving in to Thika (Of flames trees fame) and thinking, hmmmmm what a shithole.
    Logistics knob refusing to send a parcel/packet/letter (who fucking cares) until I admitted I didn't know (care) what the difference was.
    Being issue flyspray for them ground burrowing spider things.
    Sending live traffic to Cyprus via morse.
     
  14. Go to bed you do gooding cunt.

    Don't fuck up the first quality thread in ages, have you been on Grand Prix or are wibbling about a place you've never trod foot in?
     
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  15. Waiting to go up to Mpala Farm at the Nanyuki Sports Ground for a few days, doing the Admin Reorg, comms rear link plan and picking up the Kikuyu works party.

    First night down the Riverside, couple of Tuskers down range and the Para Ord Offr comes in, calls curfew and initiates a mass return to NSG. Turns to my wing man and says, "Were not Mono Prix, f*ck curfew". We then promptly left with everyone else, turned left, shot round the back and went back in via the kitchen. We were then the only 2 white blokes on the streets of Nanyuki for the rest of the night. When the Riverside closed for the evening, me and my oppo then went with the non-catering staff to another bar (the Jungle???) til sun up. He was intent on getting a tour wife and I wasn't prepared to leave an oppo out on his own, so I spent his engagement playing draughts with Tusker bottle tops against some massive mama ho in one of the dodgiest 3rd world brothels I've ever been in.