Medical bum fun

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by fluffer, Mar 13, 2009.

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  1. Im going to the quacks today for a camera up my arrse, the thing is, my docs a little weird so im a little nervous because he makes me edgy.

    To add more things to get worked up about there will be a nurse present too, and the only nuses I have seen at my medical centre I wouldn't mind porking, I can just see myself trying not to make eye contact with her when I walk in. I will be sure to update later.

    Anyone else had any medical hishaps to maybe to lighten mood?

    Edited for mong spelling
  2. I wouldn't worry too much about the camera going in.....................

    it's the microphone that really smarts...
  3. I was tested for a heat illness at a well known Naval research centre down south a few years ago. It involved a VO2 max (running on a treadmill until you try to intake oxygen through your anus, as the treadmill steadly gets faster and steaper). Followed by a Tab at 60 or 70% I don't recall.
    Anyhoo, for the tab I was wired up to all sorts of medical probes measuring my body heat at certain points. Including one up my Gary Glitter.
    Afterwards the Naval Medic turns to me and says that the anal probe was to measure my core temperature, they could have achived it by clipping a thermometer to my ear lobe, but this is a Navy centre.

    Made me laugh and forget about the anal chafing one gets after Tabbing for an hour with a rectal probe.
  4. Will we get to see the film? Will David Attenborough provide the commentry?
  5. No promises!
  6. I got 'probed' once. Had to use a ton of lube and once inserted they pump air in to take a look around.
    You should see how far back the doc and nurse jump when the thing is pulled out!!
  7. Oh great, thanks for the info you cunt! :D
  8. Auld-Yin

    Auld-Yin LE Reviewer Book Reviewer Reviews Editor

    Remember - you will be faced away from the doctor with your bare arrse awaiting said rectal probe. It may be worth checking first that it is a camera he is poking you with and not his pork he is porking you with :twisted:

    If you hear the sound of a zip ...........................
  9. Well as long as the nuse joins in :twisted:
  10. ......and the lens hood...and film magazine.....

    Bring tears to a glass eye, that would. :twisted:
  11. My bold :twisted:
  12. And don't believe the doc when he tells you there's been a new 'organic thermometer' invented. :D
  13. Went for an STD check once (never again! It bloody hurts).
    Had no symptons, but the now wife wouldn't let me shag her without being checked out first.
    Christ, I must have loved her once to do it.

    Anyway, never having been before (clean boy, me see), I was in the waiting room, surrounded by the local dregs of society all trying to scratch themselves discreetly.
    Then this rather pretty young (about 19/20ish) blonde nurse (PBN from now on) calls my name out.
    "Hello, I'm in here" thinks me.
    "I'd just like your permission to sit in on your examination as I'm currently training" PBM says.
    "No problem" says I. Thinking you can handle my old boy all you want.
    So I sign the form & go & sit back down to await my turn.

    10 mins later PBN calls me into the examination room.
    There in front of me is the oldest, ugliest old sow (OS) of a nurse that I've ever had the mis-pleasure of seeing.
    I think she taught Florence Nightingale before the Crimean War.
    Down I sit for the enivitable Q&A session.
    "Have you been to Africa?" says OS.
    "Yes" says I, eyeing up PBN.
    "Ever been to Eastern Europe" says OS
    "Yes again" says I, still eyeing up PBN.
    All going swimmingly this, thinks I.
    Then the inevitable question arrives.
    "Have you ever gone with a prostitute?"
    Quick as a flash I reply "No, never. Me? Prostitutes? Hah, I think not"
    Phew got away with that, King of the Fibbers, me. They don't suspect a thing.

    "Right, can you drop your trousers & pants. & pop yourself up onto the table?" says OS.
    Now I'm thinking PBN is going to get involved. You know, hands on learning & all that.
    Did she bollocks!
    OS grabs hold little Miner & rams, yes rams, a piece of barbed wire down my japs eye.
    It felt like barb wire anyway & I'm sure she 'inserted' it more forcefully than she should have done.
    So after I've been pulled down from the ceiling, OS says "did it hurt?"
    Did it hurt? DID IT HURT? You fcuking shrivelled up old slag. Just 'cause you're not getting any, don't take it out on us that are.
    "Only normally its this one that hurts". Says OS
    Oh fcuk! I'm thinking. The first one felt like my cock was being pulled inside out, whats this one going to be like?
    Compared to the first, it wasn't that bad. Possibly because my body had shut down all sensation in the groinal area.
    Whilst all this has been going on PBN hasn't bloody moved from her chair & OS has blocked her view of my huge manhood (Artisitc Licensce there) being systematically ruined.
    Eventually I was allowed to get dressed & hobble out looking & feeling like a newly done eunuch.
    & I never did get PBNs number.
  14. Auld-Yin

    Auld-Yin LE Reviewer Book Reviewer Reviews Editor

    And the result was Miner?
  15. Clear of everything.
    Mind you when I phoned for the results 2 weeks later it was like I was on 'Who wants to be a Millionaire'.

    Hepatitis A....drum roll...Clear.
    Hepatitis B....drum roll...Clear.
    Chlamydia(sp?).....drum roll....Clear
    & finally to win your life, HIV......................drum roll.....................Clear.

    FFS! Just tell me I'm clear of everything.
    Don't drag it out.
    My arse was slowly uncurling in to my pants until I had the final All Clear, then my anus miraculously sucked it back up.