Mediacal Advice...me ricker is giving me some serious gip...

#1
could be an age thing (nearly 42) or maybe the fact that I am driving a desk more than I've ever had to do in the past but......

Why have I always got an itchy ricker ???

Morning, get up, itchy ricker................... throughout the day at work, try to walk it off without anyone noticing (fcuking pointless I think !) and then sat watching the TV...itchy ricker. Sometimes get a bit of blood on the old comfy bum, but I put that down to spicy food and Kronenbourg extra cold..........................

And NO, before anyone suggests it, I dont get, nor do I seek nor want any stench trench action.

Is it the start of the Dukes....................?

Help anyone, please.
 
#4
I think you're well on your way to a colostomy bag there fella. It's either that or piles. Get a nice young lass to rub some cream on it. Failing that learn to wipe your bum properly. A dirty ring is an itchy ring.
 

Biped

LE
Book Reviewer
#7
Toroidal Prolapse.

Bend over in front of mirror. If your poopit looks like a large brown doughnut and is three to four inches lower than it normally is, somebody has used the old one, two, rohipnol on you. Probably your best mate.
 
#10
I'm not a proctologist by any means but I reckon it has something to do with losing the ability to crimp as well as we did in our youth. Inefficient crimping leaves the tired sphincter feebly holding onto a dob of dung which it would have laughed at 10 years ago. This dob then slowly turns into fine chocolate through cheek-action whilst walking etc.

I contend that it is this which is causing your current problem. I would up the wipe-rate.
 
#13
Exactly the same symptoms i had before being diagnosed with piles. Get used to inserting your own butt plugs - anusol suppositories! Good luck.
 
#14
Had something similar a while back. Went to the docs, fcuking gorgeous young thing with lovely long slender fingers (named Doctor Tom Fletcher, only joking). Anyways, she asks me to do the feotal position on the bed and proceeds to do me up the gary glitter. Fcuk me, nearly shot my muck there and then!

Outcome, internal piles, a Fissure (which then turned to a fistula, a whole different story for another time).
 
#15
most likely worms though
 
#17
Blokeonabike said:
most likely worms though
I happened to mention the possibility of it being worms, she looked at me with complete disgust and said it was very doubtful.

Considering I'd just got back from Op Granby and had been living in a sand pit full of camel sh!te for nigh on 6 months, I found her diagnosis somewhat premature.
 
#18
Nothing wrong with your itchy arrse mate.

There's nothing better than having a good scratch round your Brenda Fricker. Watch out though. Quite often, I forget and start biting my nails a few minutes later.

For a second I think, "MMMmm, beef Monster Munch" and then remember that I haven't had a packet!!

Check yourself in to a nice, posh hotel and then wait until 4 in the morning. Nip into the corridor and drop your strides. The uber scratch that can be gained by straddling the shoe polisher (ammo boot setting) is beyond comparison. Careful though. You've got to make sure you hold your spuds and willy well up out of the way. I forgot once and had to hobble down to the night porter. He had to poke it all back through with a shoe horn.
 
#19
Troops, err thanks, I think.

In just 21 minutes, you have reduced me to a gibbering wreck, bent over trying to view me grinner in the office bints make up mirror (sorry about the freckles love....) and not looking forward to what is probably left of my short little life.

Your all a bunch of cnuts!

Off to the quacks then !..... step lively (might not be able to for a while eh...?).
 
#20
Lee_B said:
chronic anal fissure (tear) is what I had caused by a gigantic mud monster passing through my anus :thumright:
Oh really!! and in which direction was this gigantic mud monster going? in or out? :)
 

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