Meanwhile-Back in the snooty golf club

I'm playing "The Colonel" in the club championships. We are on the 15th and I'm 2 down so I decide to spank a 2 iron and go for it. I hit a worm burner with fade which scythes through the rough and hits a junior member on the shin "you twat" I shout (mandatory) my ball bounces back onto the fairway into a bunker,up the face,climbs the slope onto the green rolls round and stops 6 inches from the pin ! "get in" I shouts whilst pumping armpit farts into "The Colonels" face. "Harumpf" he says,"that was a sister-in-law if ever I saw one. "And what the f..k is a sister-in-law" I says ? Well old chap - YOUR UP - BUT YOU KNOW YOU SHOULD'NT BE !
Was having a nice round of golf with the little lady on the weekend.

All was going well until we came to the par 5 10th and a fierce thunderstorm blew in from nowhere.

The wifey ran like a scalded cat in the pissing down rain to the nearest tree to take shelter. Lightning was flashing all over the place, and I stood calmly in the middle of the fairway and held my my one iron aloft in defiance.

"What the hell are you doing you bone-headed bastard!" screamed the wife as thunder clapped all around us.

"Don't worry love" I replied nonplussed "Not even God can hit a one iron!"


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A golfer walks in to the bar at the golf club looking really shocked. The barman pours him a large Scotch and asks him what was wrong, The man drinks half of his drink and says " I've just played a round with Jenkins and lost" The barman says " How did Jenkins beat you, he's the worst player in the club". The golfer says " well I was sitting reading the paper and Jenkins asked if I fancied a game" I said " what handicap do you want me to play, Two stroke/ or three? " Jenkins said " I want to play two Gotchas" I said " What on earth are gotchas?" Jenkins said " I will show when we start playing" We started to play and got on to the second hole, as I lined up to play the hole, Jenkins walked behind me and gripped my testicles and said " that one gotcha" The barman says " But that was only one hole, you should have beaten him" The golfer said " have you ever tried to play 16 holes when you are expecting a second gotcha".
Playing with my German colleagues yesterday when one of them hits his ball into the sand trap. He takes two strokes to get out and then I tell him that his play was a classic Adolf Hitler. Was? he says going pale, ' An Adolf Hitler' says I, 'two shots in the bunker' Boom boom!!
A bloke feeling a little bored decides to hit the course for a round.

He's about to tee off when another bloke comes up to the tee with a little dachshund closely at his heels.

"By yourself mate?" asks the man with the dog. "I'll join you for a round if you like."

"Sure thing." He replies, and blasts a nice drive straight up the fairway.

The man with the dog tees up, and following suit, smacks a perfect drive that ends up a couple of feet past the other ball.

The dachshund suddenly sits up on it's hind legs and starts clapping its paws together in appreciative applause.

"That's bloody amazing!" says the first bloke, "What does he do when you play a rubbish shot?"


"That truly is amazing! How many does he do?"

"It all depends on how hard I kick the little cunt!"
I just watched a video called 'Tiger Woods best 18 holes'

Most disappointing. No one told me it was about golf.
God and St. Peter were playing golf one day. St. Peter teed his ball up and hit it. It was a real nice shot about three hundred yards down the fairway.

Then God teed his ball up. He took a big swing and hit it.

At first it looked like a real nice shot. Then all of a sudden, it hooked and started for the woods. Just before it went into the woods, a bird flew out and grabbed the ball and flew over the water trap and let it go.

Just before it went into the water, a turtle surfaced. The ball landed on it's back as he swam to the shore. Just as the turtle got to the shore, a squirrel ran out of the woods and grabbed the ball. Then the squirrel ran up on the green and dropped the ball in the cup.

St. Peter turned to God and said, "If you're going to fuck around I'm going home!!"
It took baseball legend Hank Aaron 17 years to get 3000 hits in his storied career. I managed that in one afternoon on a nine-hole course.
One from the very traditional Southeast of the USA.

Tiger Woods rocks up at the Masters' course in Augusta, in the deep south. Where people of colo(u)r are not always welcome. The guard comes out of the hut, and says "Sir, I think you might be happier at the Municipal course. Go back out onto the main road, turn left, and it's a well-hit driver down on the right."

"Do you know who I am?? Jesus H Christ. I'm Tiger Woods, world champion several times over, dominated the game for the last decade".

"Oh, I'm sorry Sir, I hadn't realized. In that case, turn left, and it's a 9-iron on the right".
A similar thing happened when Usain Bolt tried to get a round in at the same club.

"There's a club that will allow you to play ten minutes up the road."

"But I am Usain Bolt the fastest man on earth!"

"Oh, my apologies! It's five minutes up the road."
Husband and wife playing golf at their local course. Off the first tee the wife takes the first shot, a beauty - 280yards straight up the middle. Husband takes his shot 250yards, slightly right. They walk to their respective balls, husband takes a 6 iron, but he makes a total mess of the shot and it hits his wife straight on the head. He panics and runs back to the clubhouse, walks in and shouts;

"Is there a doctor in the house, Ive just hit my wife with a golf ball"

Gentleman sitting on his own in the corner replies "Im a doctor, whare abouts did you hit her?"

"Between the first and second hole"

"That could be a problem, we'll never get a plaster to stick"
A man goes to a public golf course. He approaches the man behind the counter in the pro shop and says,'I would like 18 holes of golf and a caddie.'

The man behind the counter says,'The 18 holes of golf is no problem, but all of the caddies are out on the course. What I will do for you is this: We just received 8 brand new robot golf caddies. If you're willing to take one with you out on the course and come back and tell me how well it works, your round of golf is on me today.'

The golfer obviously accepted the man's offer. He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said to himself,'I think my driver will do the job.'

The robot caddie turned to the man and said,'No sir. Use your 3 wood. A driver is far too much club for this hole.'

Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with the ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the hole on the green. The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and thanked him for his assistance.

As the golfer pulled out his putter he said,'I think this green is gonna break left to right.'

The robot then again spoke up and said,'No sir. I do believe this green will break right to left'

Thinking about the last time the robot corrected his prediction, he decided again to listen to the machine. He made his putt and birdied the hole thanks to the robot and his advice. But his luck didn't end there. His entire game was the best game he ever played, thanks to the assistance of the new robot golf caddie.

Upon returning to the clubhouse, the man behind the counter asked,'How was your game ?' The golfer stated,'It was, by far, the BEST game I ever played. Thank you very much for letting me take one of your robots. See you next week.

A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop. Upon entering, he turned to the man behind the counter and said,'I would like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies, please.' The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the man and said,'Well the 18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the robots. We had too many complaints.'

Confused, the golfer cried,'COMPLAINTS? Who in the heck could've complained about those robots? They were incredible'

The man sighed and said,'Well, it wasn't their performance. It was that they were made of shiny silver metal, and the sun reflecting off them was blinding to other golfers on the fairway.'

The golfer said,'So then why didn't you just paint them black?'

The man nodded sadly and replied,'We did. Then things started going missing from the locker rooms, they were showing up late for work...'