It is quite possible that RTFQ died on saturday night; the slovenly mass of humanity that crawled out of a novotel bed on sunday morning is but a shadow and a lacklustre successor. Before he threw the contents of his mini bar across the room and rattled his final breath, he explained that he wished to bequeath his apologies to the ruddy faced gentlemen with whom he had been drinking. I am now honouring his wish and passing on his regrets. As RTFQ has passed, I should now be known as RTFL: Read The Fecking Label. Two things happened to me while I was posted to Germany. One was a rather worrying allegation of indecent assault resulting from my use of the phrase "Ich bin Schlaff" rather than "Ich schlafe" to some mess batting staff in Sennelager. The other was the onset of a complete inability to handle Real Ale. Thus, as I sat in a cosy London pub drinking some daftly named beer, cognitive function became a distant memory and a bunch of clowns with comedy buckets and unpredictable ladders began driving around the inside of my skull in a bright red fire engine. With station officer Harpo calling the shots and ringing his little bell, I ventured from the pub in search of a cash machine. I do not claim to know for sure what happened next, but my girlfriend has confirmed that I rang her around closing time and, after the opening verse to Neil Diamond's "America", explained that I was lost somewhere in london and that I was therefore going to sleep in the park. Numerous subsequent phone conversations ensued, some at considerable volumes, until I finally found my way back to my hotel. After an iterative process of trial and error, I found a door in which my key card worked and spent the next 30 minute trying, in vain, to get the porn to work on the hotel TV. All the while my girlfriend was alternatively offering guidance, warnings and damnation down my phone. She finally hung up as I screamed "Why is my porn not working?" at the top of my frustrated lungs. A sorry tale, one I'm not proud of. At least I hadn't been on the vodka however. Once again, apologies to those concerned for the unintentional shun.