Mea Culpa - RTFQ

#1
It is quite possible that RTFQ died on saturday night; the slovenly mass of humanity that crawled out of a novotel bed on sunday morning is but a shadow and a lacklustre successor.

Before he threw the contents of his mini bar across the room and rattled his final breath, he explained that he wished to bequeath his apologies to the ruddy faced gentlemen with whom he had been drinking. I am now honouring his wish and passing on his regrets. As RTFQ has passed, I should now be known as RTFL: Read The Fecking Label.

Two things happened to me while I was posted to Germany. One was a rather worrying allegation of indecent assault resulting from my use of the phrase "Ich bin Schlaff" rather than "Ich schlafe" to some mess batting staff in Sennelager. The other was the onset of a complete inability to handle Real Ale. Thus, as I sat in a cosy London pub drinking some daftly named beer, cognitive function became a distant memory and a bunch of clowns with comedy buckets and unpredictable ladders began driving around the inside of my skull in a bright red fire engine.

With station officer Harpo calling the shots and ringing his little bell, I ventured from the pub in search of a cash machine. I do not claim to know for sure what happened next, but my girlfriend has confirmed that I rang her around closing time and, after the opening verse to Neil Diamond's "America", explained that I was lost somewhere in london and that I was therefore going to sleep in the park.

Numerous subsequent phone conversations ensued, some at considerable volumes, until I finally found my way back to my hotel. After an iterative process of trial and error, I found a door in which my key card worked and spent the next 30 minute trying, in vain, to get the porn to work on the hotel TV. All the while my girlfriend was alternatively offering guidance, warnings and damnation down my phone. She finally hung up as I screamed "Why is my porn not working?" at the top of my frustrated lungs.

A sorry tale, one I'm not proud of. At least I hadn't been on the vodka however.

Once again, apologies to those concerned for the unintentional shun.
 

maninblack

LE
Book Reviewer
#2
I prostrate myself at the feet of the greatest living pissartist.

Well done.

When will you find out if she is still speaking to you?
 

cpunk

LE
Moderator
#3
Hey RT, what did your girlfriend have to say about that rather seductive looking tramp in whose company you left the pub? I've heard of rough trade, but that showed commendable courage...
 
#4
cpunk said:
Hey RT, what did your girlfriend have to say about that rather seductive looking tramp in whose company you left the pub? I've heard of rough trade, but that showed commendable courage...
Firstly, Maninblack, there was nothing great about it, it was feeble. If I had ever been sad enough to get a tat of my wings and blood group on my shoulder, I'd be sat at my desk scratching them off with a paperclip.

Secondly, Cpunk's assertion that I left the pub with anyone is flawed. I have a sneaking suspicion that I had fallen into one of those conversation traps and therefore extracated myself using the 'cash machine' reason. Two independant witnesses confirmed that he left 10 minutes after i did. Alcohol consumption causes my route selection to be erratic and unpredictable at the best of times. By the time he left I would have performed numerous doublebacks and blind turns, a couple of snap ambushes and in all probability would have been on the roof of Hammersmith nick shouting "I am a Golden God!" He never would have found me.
 
#5
cpunk said:
Hey RT, what did your girlfriend have to say about that rather seductive looking tramp in whose company you left the pub? I've heard of rough trade, but that showed commendable courage...
It was a seductive-looking tramp wearing leather trousers. Quality.

RTFQ, are you sure he didn't slip a Mickey Finn into your pint of Old Badger's Gearbox or whatever it was?

V!
 
#6
Vegetius said:
cpunk said:
Hey RT, what did your girlfriend have to say about that rather seductive looking tramp in whose company you left the pub? I've heard of rough trade, but that showed commendable courage...
It was a seductive-looking tramp wearing leather trousers. Quality.

RTFQ, are you sure he didn't slip a Mickey Finn into your pint of Old Badger's Gearbox or whatever it was?

V!
It was a worry, but I did a sphincter check and everything is as it should be. I've had no other symptoms other than memory loss. I'll just put it down to bio-rhythms and lack of beer-fitness.
 
#8
Well next time I'll stick to normal drinks like stella and whiskey redbulls, ones I actually have a tolerance for. The mess here has recently put Black Sheep on tap - only 3.8% but it makes me get naked in front of the senior officers' wives, then apologise to them while still not entirely dressed, if you get my meaning. Entire week on polish 8% syrup, no problem. Wave a bishops finger at me and I'm dancing like a pirate in 3 pints' time.
 
#9
RTFQ said:
Well next time I'll stick to normal drinks like stella and whiskey redbulls, ones I actually have a tolerance for. The mess here has recently put Black Sheep on tap - only 3.8% but it makes me get naked in front of the senior officers' wives, then apologise to them while still not entirely dressed, if you get my meaning. Entire week on polish 8% syrup, no problem. Wave a bishops finger at me and I'm dancing like a pirate in 3 pints' time.

So you'll run like the one with "I'm about to get slotted for running round in circles and screaming hysterically" in the cheap 80's B movie horrors at the mere mention of breweries like Shepherd's Neame or such fine ales as Sneck Lifter or Aunty Nellie's Toenail Clippings Anniversary Special then?
 
#10
Vegetius said:
cpunk said:
Hey RT, what did your girlfriend have to say about that rather seductive looking tramp in whose company you left the pub? I've heard of rough trade, but that showed commendable courage...
It was a seductive-looking tramp wearing leather trousers. Quality.

RTFQ, are you sure he didn't slip a Mickey Finn into your pint of Old Badger's Gearbox or whatever it was?

V!
We thought you only got navigationally embarrassed after the leathertte clad oldest swinger in town had followed you out, clubbed you with his crutch and knocked both his own and your hips out over the wheelie bins down the alley. We did think of sending out a search party but we were'nt sure what me might find
 
#11
Ozgerbobble said:
We thought you only got navigationally embarrassed after the leathertte clad oldest swinger in town had followed you out, clubbed you with his crutch and knocked both his own and your hips out over the wheelie bins down the alley. We did think of sending out a search party but we were'nt sure what me might find
I can't be sure, but i think our leather-trou'ed friend was originally attracted to your red moleskin/yellow M&S shirt combo Oz. I'm sure he asked me "how much is your pretty friend?" And I think maybe I suddenly realised that I had just RV'd with a bunch of middle aged blokes that i'd met on the internet, decided I was in an area of High Sausagefest Risk, and made like a swastika before the baby oil made an appearance. Discretion is the better part of valour and all that...
 
#13
RTFQ

Luckily no Novotel in the vicinity, so you're unlikely to be tempted to the Rochford Beer Festival in November. Plenty (160) of fine beers, ciders, foreign bottles - and no strange people in leather trousers (these have to be left at the door).

See CAMRA Page, which may yet show beer list. A Nelsonian theme (or a nautical bent) according to the flyers reported last week.
 
#14
canteen_cowboy said:
I think you are heading for a top spot in the newly formed Recce regt :wink: what a great company/regimental commander :wink: :lol:

you may also want to resign from pathfinders now :wink:
Why are you winking at me so much? Am I doggy paddling on a dark ocean of homeroticism without knowing it? I feel like I'm being groomed.
 

cpunk

LE
Moderator
#16
I think you should look on the evening as a valuable series of 'lessons learned':

1. Rohypnol is undetectable in Fullers' 'Mr Harry'.

2. Tramps have needs too.

3. If you can't remember it, it obviously didn't hurt that much.

4. 'Watch my back' is too vague an instruction. We all interpreted it to mean 'Watch my back recede into the distance, pursued by a menacing, leather-clad, gay vagrant'.

5. Internet acquaintanceship, even on a site as fluffy and touchy-feely as Arrse, does not imply a duty of care.
 
#17
whiffler said:
RTFQ

Luckily no Novotel in the vicinity, so you're unlikely to be tempted to the Rochford Beer Festival in November. Plenty (160) of fine beers, ciders, foreign bottles - and no strange people in leather trousers (these have to be left at the door).

See CAMRA Page, which may yet show beer list. A Nelsonian theme (or a nautical bent) according to the flyers reported last week.


Considering how concerned RTFL is feeling at the moment in regard to homoerotic suggestions, any form
of bent, nautical or otherwise (but especially nautical), seems likely to have him legging it for the hills
rather than join in some merrie beere quaffing!!!!
 
#18
8O

I am starting to think that working this weekend was a bonus rather than partaking in the Hammersmith Rumble. The rejection of the offer of a room during the event by Shortfuse, with 'hot and cold running RTFQ' was, it would seem in hindsight, a lucky escape. I remember a trip to Edinburgh resulted in drinking with a local bag lady so it sounds like the tramp would have ended up in a top and tail scenario with you RTFQ

:D
 
#19
Well, I suppose I'll have to wait until the next publication date of "The Big Issue" to get to the bottom of this. If I start seeing headlines such as "RTFQ - literary device and anal vice?" or "Man with huge genitals seen at hammersmith" or if the photo casebook in the "Ask Millie (the bag lady)" column features a story entitled: "He rocked my world - then wandered off for a kebab", then my self esteem may be taking a bashing.
 

cpunk

LE
Moderator
#20
It does raise some interesting questions however. My own experience has been that sex and Carlsberg Special Brew are mutually exclusive. On the few occasions when I've actually drunk the stuff, I've had enough trouble remembering that I needed to breathe and beat my heart, let alone achieve and maintain an erection. Yet RTFQ and his tramp seem to be demonstrating that at a rarified level of God-like physical prowess, the fact that one partner was out of his skull on Spesh to the point of lagging his leathers, while the other had consumed enough Mr Harry to be pinballing along the Hammersmith waterfront in a desperate search for the local Novotel, did not prevent a thrilling and fully satisfying experience for the happy couple. AS RTFQ says, we'll probably need to wait for the next 'Big Issue' for a full after action report but we may be about to be ushered into a whole new era of bio-hydraulics.
 

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