Mea Culpa - RTFQ

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by RTFQ, Oct 17, 2005.

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  1. RTFQ


    It is quite possible that RTFQ died on saturday night; the slovenly mass of humanity that crawled out of a novotel bed on sunday morning is but a shadow and a lacklustre successor.

    Before he threw the contents of his mini bar across the room and rattled his final breath, he explained that he wished to bequeath his apologies to the ruddy faced gentlemen with whom he had been drinking. I am now honouring his wish and passing on his regrets. As RTFQ has passed, I should now be known as RTFL: Read The Fecking Label.

    Two things happened to me while I was posted to Germany. One was a rather worrying allegation of indecent assault resulting from my use of the phrase "Ich bin Schlaff" rather than "Ich schlafe" to some mess batting staff in Sennelager. The other was the onset of a complete inability to handle Real Ale. Thus, as I sat in a cosy London pub drinking some daftly named beer, cognitive function became a distant memory and a bunch of clowns with comedy buckets and unpredictable ladders began driving around the inside of my skull in a bright red fire engine.

    With station officer Harpo calling the shots and ringing his little bell, I ventured from the pub in search of a cash machine. I do not claim to know for sure what happened next, but my girlfriend has confirmed that I rang her around closing time and, after the opening verse to Neil Diamond's "America", explained that I was lost somewhere in london and that I was therefore going to sleep in the park.

    Numerous subsequent phone conversations ensued, some at considerable volumes, until I finally found my way back to my hotel. After an iterative process of trial and error, I found a door in which my key card worked and spent the next 30 minute trying, in vain, to get the porn to work on the hotel TV. All the while my girlfriend was alternatively offering guidance, warnings and damnation down my phone. She finally hung up as I screamed "Why is my porn not working?" at the top of my frustrated lungs.

    A sorry tale, one I'm not proud of. At least I hadn't been on the vodka however.

    Once again, apologies to those concerned for the unintentional shun.
  2. maninblack

    maninblack LE Book Reviewer

    I prostrate myself at the feet of the greatest living pissartist.

    Well done.

    When will you find out if she is still speaking to you?
  3. cpunk

    cpunk LE Moderator

    Hey RT, what did your girlfriend have to say about that rather seductive looking tramp in whose company you left the pub? I've heard of rough trade, but that showed commendable courage...
  4. RTFQ


    Firstly, Maninblack, there was nothing great about it, it was feeble. If I had ever been sad enough to get a tat of my wings and blood group on my shoulder, I'd be sat at my desk scratching them off with a paperclip.

    Secondly, Cpunk's assertion that I left the pub with anyone is flawed. I have a sneaking suspicion that I had fallen into one of those conversation traps and therefore extracated myself using the 'cash machine' reason. Two independant witnesses confirmed that he left 10 minutes after i did. Alcohol consumption causes my route selection to be erratic and unpredictable at the best of times. By the time he left I would have performed numerous doublebacks and blind turns, a couple of snap ambushes and in all probability would have been on the roof of Hammersmith nick shouting "I am a Golden God!" He never would have found me.
  5. It was a seductive-looking tramp wearing leather trousers. Quality.

    RTFQ, are you sure he didn't slip a Mickey Finn into your pint of Old Badger's Gearbox or whatever it was?

  6. RTFQ


    It was a worry, but I did a sphincter check and everything is as it should be. I've had no other symptoms other than memory loss. I'll just put it down to bio-rhythms and lack of beer-fitness.
  7. You really missed out. There are some extremely unusual people hanging out in the Novotel bar at 01:30 of a Sunday morning.

  8. RTFQ


    Well next time I'll stick to normal drinks like stella and whiskey redbulls, ones I actually have a tolerance for. The mess here has recently put Black Sheep on tap - only 3.8% but it makes me get naked in front of the senior officers' wives, then apologise to them while still not entirely dressed, if you get my meaning. Entire week on polish 8% syrup, no problem. Wave a bishops finger at me and I'm dancing like a pirate in 3 pints' time.

  9. So you'll run like the one with "I'm about to get slotted for running round in circles and screaming hysterically" in the cheap 80's B movie horrors at the mere mention of breweries like Shepherd's Neame or such fine ales as Sneck Lifter or Aunty Nellie's Toenail Clippings Anniversary Special then?
  10. We thought you only got navigationally embarrassed after the leathertte clad oldest swinger in town had followed you out, clubbed you with his crutch and knocked both his own and your hips out over the wheelie bins down the alley. We did think of sending out a search party but we were'nt sure what me might find
  11. RTFQ


    I can't be sure, but i think our leather-trou'ed friend was originally attracted to your red moleskin/yellow M&S shirt combo Oz. I'm sure he asked me "how much is your pretty friend?" And I think maybe I suddenly realised that I had just RV'd with a bunch of middle aged blokes that i'd met on the internet, decided I was in an area of High Sausagefest Risk, and made like a swastika before the baby oil made an appearance. Discretion is the better part of valour and all that...
  12. I think you are heading for a top spot in the newly formed Recce regt :wink: what a great company/regimental commander :wink: :lol:

    you may also want to resign from pathfinders now :wink:
  13. RTFQ

    Luckily no Novotel in the vicinity, so you're unlikely to be tempted to the Rochford Beer Festival in November. Plenty (160) of fine beers, ciders, foreign bottles - and no strange people in leather trousers (these have to be left at the door).

    See CAMRA Page, which may yet show beer list. A Nelsonian theme (or a nautical bent) according to the flyers reported last week.
  14. RTFQ


    Why are you winking at me so much? Am I doggy paddling on a dark ocean of homeroticism without knowing it? I feel like I'm being groomed.
  15. just a bad twitch I picked up, I leave the arse banditry for others, not my scene in the slightest.