Mates

Discussion in 'Armed Forces Jokes' started by Padrat, Sep 25, 2011.

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  1. CIVILIAN FRIENDS - Disown you for running around their house naked in front of a bunch of people none of you have ever met before MILITARY FRIENDS - Take photos and then join you CIVILIAN FRIENDS- Think its disgusting that you got so drunk you pissed your pants and drowned the phone in your pocket - in their bed MILITARY FRIENDS-Upon hearing what happened say "That's fucked - that's why I don't sleep with my mobile in my pocket anymore" and help you turn their mattress over ... CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Get upset if you are too busy to talk to them for a week MILITARY FRIENDS: Are glad to see you after many years; and will happily carry on the same conversation you were having last time you met. CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Never ask for food MILITARY FRIENDS: Are the reason you have no food CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr and Mrs MILITARY FRIENDS: Call your parents Mum and Dad CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Bail you out of jail and then tell you what you did was wrong MILITARY FRIENDS: Would be sitting next to you saying, 'Mate...we fucked up ....but what a giggle? CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry MILITARY FRIENDS: Cry with you CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Know a few things about you MILITARY FRIENDS: Could write a book with a shed full of direct quotes from you CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that is what the crowd is doing MILITARY FRIENDS: Will kick the backsides of whole crowds that left you behind CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Would knock on your door MILITARY FRIENDS: Walk right in and say, 'I'm home, got any beer! CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Share a few experiences. MILITARY FRIENDS: Share a lifetime of experiences no civilian could ever dream of. CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will take your drink away when they think you've had enough MILITARY FRIENDS: Will look at you stumbling all over the place and say, "You had better drink the rest of that, don't waste it." Then they carry you home and put you safely to bed. CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will talk crap to the person who talks crap about you. MILITARY FRIENDS: Will knock the crap out of people who use your name in vain CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Know where you buried the body MILITARY FRIENDS: Helped you bury the body CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will call you 'mate' as a term of endearment MILITARY FRIENDS: Will call you a 'wanker ' c*#t or 'tosser' as a term of endearment CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Are for a while. MILITARY FRIENDS: Are for life.
     
  2. Oh, good. That wasn't a complete and total load of bollocks.
     
  3. I must have missed that bit when I was reaching for something to open a vein with...
     
  4. Try the OP's razor-sharp wit.
     
    • Like Like x 1
  5. I've had sharper constipation cramps.

    I might read it again if I need the shit bored out of me in my next bout :-D
     
  6. Hmmmm. I've never heard that one before.
     
  7. Oh, hang on.

    Yes I have. A million fuckin times!
     
  8. Was it funny the first 999,999 times?
     
  9. ‎2 catholic boys are arguing over whose father is the biggest coward. 1st boy says
    "My dad's so scared, when lightening strikes, he hides under the bed!"The 2nd boy laughs & replies,
    "Yeah well that's nothing!
    My dad's such a wimp-
    when my mum works nightshift, he sleeps with my sister!!"
     
    • Like Like x 2
  10. Nope.
     
  11. I have to visit the vets later.

    The OP made my dogs eyes bleed.

    I just love copy and paste shite. What happened to originality? To reasonable thought process involving humour?

    Since the Dawn of time, Men like Ugg, and his mate Stig (of the dump fame) clambered down from the tree, and by use of their limited vocabulary and simple hand gestures had each other in fits of giggles.

    In-between bouts of public shitting, and stabbing wild boer in the head with blunt rocks, of course.

    It appears, to me at least, that instead of moving forward, developing that super computer contained in our skulls, we are just getting lazier and lazier. Ugg and Stig would, I'm sure, be fucking appalled at our attempts at comedy.

    "Look, Stig, I've copied some drivel I found on the Internet, great isn't it? Well funny."

    "Take that you boring cunt." As Stig pokes Ugg in he eye with a pointy stick.

    "What the fuck? Why did you do that Stig?"

    "Paragraphs man. Your lack of fucking paragraphs."
     
    • Like Like x 1
  12. Not content with the window licking Facebook community posting this drivel all over the place, my single pillar of Internet sanity known as ARRSE is now tainted with the same simpleton, sanctimonious bag of balls.

    To the OP; you're a cunt. Copy and paste this to your profile.



    Cunt!
     
    • Like Like x 1
  13. "Paragraphs man. Your lack of fucking paragraphs."

    Kill youraelf now...Cunt.
     
    • Like Like x 1
  14. I probably would if I knew who he was. So who is youraelf? Is he African?
     
  15. Its a typo. Kill yourself.