Martial Law!

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Vegetius, Sep 1, 2005.

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  1. Imagine the scenario:

    The UK is, finally, on the brink of chaos and anarchy (yes, I know it is already but that's not important right now). A Junta stages a coup d'etat and ousts the New Labour Government, installing the Generals into their new HQ at No. 10 Downing Street.

    For a variety of reasons you are appointed officer i/c Internal Security. You have carte blanche veto over law and order policy and operations. You have the entire security and defence apparatus of the UK at your disposal.

    So, what will you do?

    I had a rather fanciful idea that I might have all Premiership Footballers formed into scratch street-cleaning teams for a start, followed closely by ordering that Irish weather girl off Sky to be my private bubble-bath tester. Snipers on motorway bridges will shoot the tyres out of cars will personalised numberplates with calligraphy-style numerals. Speed cameras will be scrapped, melted down and turned into spiky weapons for the gladitorial pits I will fill with Guardian columnists and wild animals.

    I'm sure other NAAFI internal security supremos will have there own interesting ideas.

  2. If Big Brother was on TV, I would inform the contestants of the new rules.

    1. No rules except one.

    2. Last man standing wins.

    At this point a big digger truck would dump various thunderdome style weapons in to the garden.


    a pistol with 1 round, unchambered.
    An electric chainsaw with 6ft flex.
    A GPMG but no rounds.
    A fly swatter.
    A blunt sythe.
    A 12ft pike.
    A junior hack saw.
    Several stanley knives, but the blades are snapped off.
    Several screw drivers for the above.
    6ft by 6ft Cam net squares

  3. 1.
    Ban rescue services from assisting people on lilos/rubber rings that have been swept out to see. If you are stupid enough to get caught out like that, you deserve to die.

    Children will not be allowed access to £40 Playstation games such as FIFA 2005. Instead, they will be issued a £10 football and told to feck off and play outside.

    Sunny D will be reclassified as a Class A drug.

    (Think I've mentioned this before) The sexual 'bases' system will be revised so that getting to 'first base' will involve oral sex and sodomy.

    You will be allowed to kill one person, per year, for any reason you see fit. No questions asked.

    Carol Vorderman will be told to dress in attire appropriate to her age.

    Chris Moyles shalll be flogged, in Trafalgar Square, every hour, on the hour, with the exception of Sundays and Bank Holidays when his place shall be taken by Liam Gallagher with his gonads connected to an alternator from a 4 tonner.

    Jennifer Ellison's chebs must be presented on demand from a competant authority.
  4. Flogging a Chav to death within 10.30 minutes to replace the BPFA

    Prohibition of "Burberry" products
  5. You can't do that, that's just evil. :D
  6. On the outskirts of every large town I would build a "recycling" centre. All refuse, including abandoned cars, would be tipped over the high and suitably charged perimiter fence. Inside the the working guests would be paid "credits" by weight for sorting the refuse into the appropriate piles. Credits could be converted into cash that would be split in three, going to the victim, the state, and the guest's family or dependents.

    Bonuses could be earned for good behaviour and work output which would entitle the guest to various upgrades in accomodation such as being able to turn out the lights or turn off the "entertainment". Those that choose not to work will get a basic 6x10 room with a radio tuned to the world service interrupted with a selection of inpirational and motivational messages every five minutes, the light and the radio are ON at all times. Those that have demonstrated a high level of trust may be chosen to join chain gangs employed on cutting the verges on all roads and collecting litter the only tools available being sythes and bin bags. Bollards and safety vehicles will not be employed, hitting a member of a chain gang will result in an stay in the nearest "recycling" centre.

    Anyone found between the inner and outer fences can be shot, anyone challenging a guard can be shot, anyone using foul language can be shot. Anyone shot is taken to the woodchipper and recycled.

    Entrance to the re-education program may commence after three months good behaviour. Guests may leave after their sentence has ended and they have passed the basic tests in literacy, numeracy, and can sing the national anthem. Curfew breakers will be taken straight to the nearest centre, they can start mounting their defence once they enter the re-education program and have access to writng paper.
  7. We hire the East German guy who built the Berlin wall and get him to deal with security at channel tunnel and our sea ports.
  8. CRAB!!! you complete and utter git!!! Spoilt my fun now! :evil:
  9. 1. Introduction of a weight tax. Anyone weighing more than 20% of their ideal weight for their height will pay an additional 'health tax'. This will have two benefits - a) porkers are more likely to be ill, and so will contribute more to the cost of care, and b) it will provide an incentive for them to eat better and take exercise.

    2. Council housing will be means tested, with a sliding scale of rent, so that those who can afford to rent privately or buy will pay more, whilst the least well off will have affordable rent. Extra council tax for houses with scrap cars in the front garden, offensive cladding.

    3. The wearing of football shirts (except by footballers) will be banned, freeing up much needed funds for poor people to spend on food.

    4. A tax on processed food.

    5. Children and selected (i.e. fat) adults will be issued a fast food ration book.

    6. Caravan owners will pay for an additional tax disc for their shed on wheels, and will have to take an aditional test to be able to tow the thing. They'll also undergo rigorous sight testing, to ensure they have good night vision, since caravans will only be allowed on the roads between 0100 - 0500.

    7. A return to common sense in education, acknowledging that some children are simply thick. University will be for those who can pass the (new and harder) A levels, and will comprise only proper subjects (goodbye, meeja studies...). Other school leavers will have 6 months to find work before being conscripted into the National Labour Corps, to provide manpower for railway repairs, roadbuilding and so on.

    8. People in government 'none-jobs' such as diversity officers will be compulsarily retrained to do something useful - see below for if they refuse.

    9. Following the withdrawal of UKAF from Iraq, the camp at Shaibah will become the new home for problem families from council estates, together with anyone continuing to espouse political correctness. It will be policed by Hugh Paddick and the Gay Police Association.

    10. Testing of pharmaceutical products will be carried out on animal rights activists.
  10. my ideal weight is 12.5 stone i'm 6'5" i'd look like a fcuking hairy pencil.

    edited for mong spelling
  11. [quote="smoojalooge"

    my ideal weight is 12.5 stone i'm 6'5" i'd look like a fcuking hairy pencil.

    edited for mong spelling[/quote]

    :? I'd love to know where you got that little gem from.
  12. So what weight do you need to be before the hairy pencil look is avoided?

    More laws:
    Pubs to supply half price beer upon showing of MOD 90.
    All women under the age of 40 to do arse to mouth upon showing of MOD 90
  13. The height/wieght/BMI thing is a bitty tricky and can be subjective, need something simpler: For each extra inch of waistline over 35" for women and 37" for men you pay an extra 2% NI.

    Every year every single person has to turn up at a testing centre and cover one mile in fifteen minutes, no weight, footwear of choice. Every minute over adds 1% to your NI, every minute under takes 1% off.

    Anyone with a waistline over 50" can be legally abducted and rendered down for tallow.
  14. What a splendid concept; the idea of dining by the light of candles made from John Prescott is most appealing.
  15. More laws:
    Pubs to supply half price beer upon showing of MOD 90.
    All women under the age of 40 to do arse to mouth upon showing of MOD 90[/quote]