Imagine the scenario: The UK is, finally, on the brink of chaos and anarchy (yes, I know it is already but that's not important right now). A Junta stages a coup d'etat and ousts the New Labour Government, installing the Generals into their new HQ at No. 10 Downing Street. For a variety of reasons you are appointed officer i/c Internal Security. You have carte blanche veto over law and order policy and operations. You have the entire security and defence apparatus of the UK at your disposal. So, what will you do? I had a rather fanciful idea that I might have all Premiership Footballers formed into scratch street-cleaning teams for a start, followed closely by ordering that Irish weather girl off Sky to be my private bubble-bath tester. Snipers on motorway bridges will shoot the tyres out of cars will personalised numberplates with calligraphy-style numerals. Speed cameras will be scrapped, melted down and turned into spiky weapons for the gladitorial pits I will fill with Guardian columnists and wild animals. I'm sure other NAAFI internal security supremos will have there own interesting ideas. V!