Marrying People

#1
Allright boys and girls, a chance like this doesn't pop up every day so I thought I'd open the discussion to the floor. Two friends of mine have asked me to marry them. Not in a weird Mormon polygamy way, but to actually be the officiant at their wedding.

It's in California next June so I'm pretty sure all I have to do is sign up with one of those churches on the interweb to become ordained. After that, as far as I can tell, the sky is the limit. The groom has a tick in the good lad box and as for the bride, what does it matter? She'll literally be the last one to pitch up and she can either take what she's given or call the whole thing off.

I will be given the best seat in the house from which to talent spot since I won't have have to play the guessing game that comes from staring at the backs of womens' heads. I'll also be better able to PID singlies. Right now, although my heart says "JEDI ROBES", I'm thinking of dressing as a RC sky pilot as I figure this confers at least two immediate advantages over any other form of dress.The first is that the place will hopefully be packed with single women with low self-esteem who might prefer to eschew the buffet table for the ego-boost that would come from "turning" a chap who has apparently taken a vow of celibacy. The second is that parents will jump through hoops to keep their fucking kids as far away from me as possible.

The best man is already married, so there's no competition there, so what other handy hints and tips would the good people of Arrse give to an immature, sexually compulsive, deviant who drinks far too much and has been put in this enviable position by two close friends who really should know better?
 
#2
I thought that you were already a sky-pilot. In any case you only have to chant stuff like "Do you play dominoes in methylated spirit" and walk around with a burning handbag whilst wearing a black full length dress to talk the talk and walk the walk.
 
#3
Just watch a few episodes of Father Ted and model yourself on Father Jack- I'm sure all those women who are looking for salvation from eternal damnation will be bowing at your feet asking you to bless them before you know it!
 
#6
I think you should decend from the rafters of the place on a wire, and at the touch of a button have angel wings sprout from your back, then your friends will know they are being married by "the chosen one". Extra kudo's because THEY chose you.
 

jarrod248

LE
Gallery Guru
#9
I became Rev Jarrod via an American online site after I saw Robbie Williams had done it. I think I was bored at work but I'm available for weddings and funerals.
 
#12
So where do they make their money? Advertising, or just the sales of certificates?

Shit, my American title of "Baron of Landmark" cost me something like $15.
But I did get a legally notarised certificate for free.
You can print off an ordination certificate from the site but if you want an all singing and dancing embossed version you can buy one, similarly with the marriage certificates etc.

Aside from the money made above they do seminars, hold retreats & flog books etc. If you're feeling flush you can upgrade & become a Bishop for a few bucks.
 
#13
You can print off an ordination certificate from the site but if you want an all singing and dancing embossed version you can buy one, similarly with the marriage certificates etc.

Aside from he money made above they do seminars, hold retreats & flog books etc. If your feeling flush you can upgrade & become a Bishop for a few bucks.
Right. OK. I'll think on that one.

Bless you, My Son.
 
#15
I think America is pretty much like the UK. Legally, it's the government registrar who marries you and the religious ceremony is irrelevant.

Hence the sky is the limit. I wanted to go to Vegas to get married by Elvis. The wife was having none of it.

I happen to be the Pope of the Church of the Bare Arrse. For £100 I'll ordain you as a priest and you can then require the entire congregation over the age of 18 to be naked while you conduct wedding ceremonies.
 
#16
Right. OK. I'll think on that one.

Bless you, My Son.
As I said earlier, most of us in our unit signed up just to piss off a young bible bashing Rupert we'd been landed with but he didn't seem to like the idea of us wearing dog-collars with coveralls for some reason. :)
 
#17
I did point out to the bride that there's an above-average chance of me being struck by lightning at the wedding if I am ordained. She seemed quite pleased at the prospect and muttered something about saving a few bucks on fireworks.
 
#18
Dress as a pirate and do it in the name of The Flying Spaghetti Monster, praise his Noodlyness!

Although I am right now looking up the ULC to get ordained...
 
#19
I am ordained!

Now who requires the "Laying On Of The Sweaty Hands"?

best bit was being able to choose Great Britain on the address thingy - don't see that often
 

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