Marrying People

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by crabtastic, Nov 29, 2012.

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  1. Allright boys and girls, a chance like this doesn't pop up every day so I thought I'd open the discussion to the floor. Two friends of mine have asked me to marry them. Not in a weird Mormon polygamy way, but to actually be the officiant at their wedding.

    It's in California next June so I'm pretty sure all I have to do is sign up with one of those churches on the interweb to become ordained. After that, as far as I can tell, the sky is the limit. The groom has a tick in the good lad box and as for the bride, what does it matter? She'll literally be the last one to pitch up and she can either take what she's given or call the whole thing off.

    I will be given the best seat in the house from which to talent spot since I won't have have to play the guessing game that comes from staring at the backs of womens' heads. I'll also be better able to PID singlies. Right now, although my heart says "JEDI ROBES", I'm thinking of dressing as a RC sky pilot as I figure this confers at least two immediate advantages over any other form of dress.The first is that the place will hopefully be packed with single women with low self-esteem who might prefer to eschew the buffet table for the ego-boost that would come from "turning" a chap who has apparently taken a vow of celibacy. The second is that parents will jump through hoops to keep their fucking kids as far away from me as possible.

    The best man is already married, so there's no competition there, so what other handy hints and tips would the good people of Arrse give to an immature, sexually compulsive, deviant who drinks far too much and has been put in this enviable position by two close friends who really should know better?
     
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  2. I thought that you were already a sky-pilot. In any case you only have to chant stuff like "Do you play dominoes in methylated spirit" and walk around with a burning handbag whilst wearing a black full length dress to talk the talk and walk the walk.
     
  3. Just watch a few episodes of Father Ted and model yourself on Father Jack- I'm sure all those women who are looking for salvation from eternal damnation will be bowing at your feet asking you to bless them before you know it!
     
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  4. Yup, just join the Universal Life Church which is free Universal Life Church / ULC - Become an Ordained Minister Online and you can legally marry the mugs.

    I've been an ordained minister for thirty odd years (along with the rest of my unit) & it even got us out of church parades on occasions. Not bad for a card carrying feckin' atheist. ;)
     
  5. 'I'm thinking of dressing as a RC sky pilot'



    Page boys to stand by position, brace, brace, brace!
     
  6. I think you should decend from the rafters of the place on a wire, and at the touch of a button have angel wings sprout from your back, then your friends will know they are being married by "the chosen one". Extra kudo's because THEY chose you.
     
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  7. Get some big comedy hands like Kenny Everett.
     

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  8. blue-sophist

    blue-sophist LE Good Egg (charities)

    So where do they make their money? Advertising, or just the sales of certificates?

    Shit, my American title of "Baron of Landmark" cost me something like $15.
    But I did get a legally notarised certificate for free.
     
  9. I became Rev Jarrod via an American online site after I saw Robbie Williams had done it. I think I was bored at work but I'm available for weddings and funerals.
     
  10. Jarrod, do those websites actually, genuinely, totally, no duf work?
     
  11. Yes my child.
     
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  12. You can print off an ordination certificate from the site but if you want an all singing and dancing embossed version you can buy one, similarly with the marriage certificates etc.

    Aside from the money made above they do seminars, hold retreats & flog books etc. If you're feeling flush you can upgrade & become a Bishop for a few bucks.
     
  13. blue-sophist

    blue-sophist LE Good Egg (charities)

    Right. OK. I'll think on that one.

    Bless you, My Son.
     
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  14. I'd make a good Bishop and Clergy collar always send me the latest fashion in vicar outfits.
     
  15. I think America is pretty much like the UK. Legally, it's the government registrar who marries you and the religious ceremony is irrelevant.

    Hence the sky is the limit. I wanted to go to Vegas to get married by Elvis. The wife was having none of it.

    I happen to be the Pope of the Church of the Bare Arrse. For £100 I'll ordain you as a priest and you can then require the entire congregation over the age of 18 to be naked while you conduct wedding ceremonies.