Marriage proposal

Discussion in 'Lonely Hearts' started by crabby, Aug 20, 2007.

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  1. Before the SCH's start salivating:
    1. I'm not a squaddie
    2. My pension wouldn't buy a packet of skittles per year
    3. I'm not offering, to you anyway.

    So, the problem.

    Crabby, at some point is going to have to stick his c0ck on the chopping block and sign his life (+his half packet of skittles per year) away to one of those female type creatures.

    This I have almost accepted, with the help of my good friends Glenfiddich, Tormore and Laphroig. The problem is how.

    Now my idea of a romantic proposal would be to take my tongue out of her ricker just long enough to mumble something about wanting to do that when she's 70 (no fecking chance, the colostomy bag will get in the way).

    Obviously that's not the best idea. Even I can see this.

    So I put it to you, ARRSE Maidens, SCHs and other assorted beings with front bottoms as to how I should propose (which, may I add, my not be for a while, money matters).

    As a start... apparently during a thunderstorm was something she mentioned once to somebody????

    My only other option may to be to wait until the immediate aftermath of a knee-trembler, when she looks up at me with those gooey eyes...

    So, help? Advice? (other than "don't do it")
  2. Auld-Yin

    Auld-Yin LE Reviewer Book Reviewer Reviews Editor

    Just ask him to use some lube next time. I am sure you will make a lovely couple in Brighton Registry Office in matching pink! :wink:
  3. You're just trying to get me into trouble aren't you?

    That worked for me.......
  4. AY, didn't he ask for arrsemaidens, SCH and people with front bottoms to answer him?

    Have you been confusing us all along? :p
  5. Your Bushmills/Tesco Value Whisky must be clouding your gender Auld Yin.

    And it's only true love when you feel comfortable going in dry.

    It has also come to my attention that there may not be serious female replies here, this I expected, my inbox is ready and waiting for those!
  6. scaryspice

    scaryspice LE Moderator

    I take it the future Mrs Crabby has been selected, trialled and approved already? That is to say we're not helping you with actually finding the right one - just with asking her.

    We still need more info Crabby.

    1. Can you cook?
    2. If not can you afford a decent restaurant?
    3. Have you got the ring yet? (the sort with a diamond in that goes on her finger...)
    4. Have you any romance at all in your soul?

    My best advice mind you would be - don't do it...I speak from experience!
  7. Yes she has been trialled. She tolerates me, which is more than can be said for any living human.

    I can actually cook, better than her. It's true, I have no testicles.

    I could afford a decent restuarant, if I sold a body part.

    No ring yet, am waiting to find something special and actually have the money. Didn't realise how bloody expensive those things are!

    No romance whatsoever. Also been told I have no soul.

    Advice muchly taken. However, between our parents they have almost 70 years of marriage, so hopefully picked up some tips
  8. scaryspice

    scaryspice LE Moderator

    Cook her a nice meal. Candles on the table, soft music, nice wine, the works.

    At the end of the meal, get down on one knee and pop the question. (That's the "will you marry me" question...)

    I was going to suggest you take her somewhere romantic that is special to the two of you, but if you have no soul, you won't have the faintest clue what I mean...
  9. Take her somewhere nice and ask her. No BS, just ask. All she can do is say no.
  10. "gooey eyes"?

    Lots of girls don't like that. Aim lower.
  11. I wouldn't suggest putting any more of your goo in her eyes. It might not be matrimony that results, but conjunctivitus.

    Tits is a bit continental and arrse comes with all kinds of problems, but stick with fanny, mouth or kleenex as destinations of choice and you won't go far wrong.
  12. This worked for me.......twice, unfortunately, the marriages didn't.
    Ho hum, at least I'm not short of toasters and I don't have to remember anniversaries anymore.
  13. scaryspice

    scaryspice LE Moderator

    And you don't have to visit the in-laws at Christmas (or worse still have them visit you...) sandmanfez - that's the best bit isn't it? :D
  14. Well fcuk off then you pink scarf wearing homo.
  15. I would suggest looking at something like, picking a cheap but nice resteraunt (save the pennies) and taking her out for a meal, then propose to her. As this is not an expensive gaff they will possibly give you free drinks.

    Good luck mate