Marriage proposal

#1
Before the SCH's start salivating:
1. I'm not a squaddie
2. My pension wouldn't buy a packet of skittles per year
3. I'm not offering, to you anyway.

So, the problem.

Crabby, at some point is going to have to stick his c0ck on the chopping block and sign his life (+his half packet of skittles per year) away to one of those female type creatures.

This I have almost accepted, with the help of my good friends Glenfiddich, Tormore and Laphroig. The problem is how.

Now my idea of a romantic proposal would be to take my tongue out of her ricker just long enough to mumble something about wanting to do that when she's 70 (no fecking chance, the colostomy bag will get in the way).

Obviously that's not the best idea. Even I can see this.

So I put it to you, ARRSE Maidens, SCHs and other assorted beings with front bottoms as to how I should propose (which, may I add, my not be for a while, money matters).

As a start... apparently during a thunderstorm was something she mentioned once to somebody????

My only other option may to be to wait until the immediate aftermath of a knee-trembler, when she looks up at me with those gooey eyes...

So, help? Advice? (other than "don't do it")
 

Auld-Yin

ADC
Kit Reviewer
Book Reviewer
Reviews Editor
#2
Just ask him to use some lube next time. I am sure you will make a lovely couple in Brighton Registry Office in matching pink! :wink:
 
#3
crabby said:
Before the SCH's start salivating:
1. I'm not a squaddie
2. My pension wouldn't buy a packet of skittles per year
3. I'm not offering, to you anyway.

So, the problem.

Crabby, at some point is going to have to stick his c0ck on the chopping block and sign his life (+his half packet of skittles per year) away to one of those female type creatures.

This I have almost accepted, with the help of my good friends Glenfiddich, Tormore and Laphroig. The problem is how.

Now my idea of a romantic proposal would be to take my tongue out of her ricker just long enough to mumble something about wanting to do that when she's 70 (no fecking chance, the colostomy bag will get in the way).

Obviously that's not the best idea. Even I can see this.

So I put it to you, ARRSE Maidens, SCHs and other assorted beings with front bottoms as to how I should propose (which, may I add, my not be for a while, money matters).

As a start... apparently during a thunderstorm was something she mentioned once to somebody????

My only other option may to be to wait until the immediate aftermath of a knee-trembler, when she looks up at me with those gooey eyes...

So, help? Advice? (other than "don't do it")
You're just trying to get me into trouble aren't you?

That worked for me.......
 
#4
Auld-Yin said:
Just ask him to use some lube next time. I am sure you will make a lovely couple in Brighton Registry Office in matching pink! :wink:
AY, didn't he ask for arrsemaidens, SCH and people with front bottoms to answer him?

Have you been confusing us all along? :p
 
#5
Auld-Yin said:
Just ask him to use some lube next time. I am sure you will make a lovely couple in Brighton Registry Office in matching pink! :wink:
Your Bushmills/Tesco Value Whisky must be clouding your gender Auld Yin.

And it's only true love when you feel comfortable going in dry.


It has also come to my attention that there may not be serious female replies here, this I expected, my inbox is ready and waiting for those!
 

scaryspice

LE
Moderator
#6
I take it the future Mrs Crabby has been selected, trialled and approved already? That is to say we're not helping you with actually finding the right one - just with asking her.

We still need more info Crabby.

1. Can you cook?
2. If not can you afford a decent restaurant?
3. Have you got the ring yet? (the sort with a diamond in that goes on her finger...)
4. Have you any romance at all in your soul?

My best advice mind you would be - don't do it...I speak from experience!
 
#7
scaryspice said:
I take it the future Mrs Crabby has been selected, trialled and approved already? That is to say we're not helping you with actually finding the right one - just with asking her.

We still need more info Crabby.

1. Can you cook?
2. If not can you afford a decent restaurant?
3. Have you got the ring yet? (the sort with a diamond in that goes on her finger...)
4. Have you any romance at all in your soul?

My best advice mind you would be - don't do it...I speak from experience!
Yes she has been trialled. She tolerates me, which is more than can be said for any living human.

I can actually cook, better than her. It's true, I have no testicles.

I could afford a decent restuarant, if I sold a body part.

No ring yet, am waiting to find something special and actually have the money. Didn't realise how bloody expensive those things are!

No romance whatsoever. Also been told I have no soul.


Advice muchly taken. However, between our parents they have almost 70 years of marriage, so hopefully picked up some tips
 

scaryspice

LE
Moderator
#8
Cook her a nice meal. Candles on the table, soft music, nice wine, the works.

At the end of the meal, get down on one knee and pop the question. (That's the "will you marry me" question...)

I was going to suggest you take her somewhere romantic that is special to the two of you, but if you have no soul, you won't have the faintest clue what I mean...
 
#9
Take her somewhere nice and ask her. No BS, just ask. All she can do is say no.
 
#11
crabby said:
My only other option may to be to wait until the immediate aftermath of a knee-trembler, when she looks up at me with those gooey eyes...

So, help? Advice? (other than "don't do it")
I wouldn't suggest putting any more of your goo in her eyes. It might not be matrimony that results, but conjunctivitus.

Tits is a bit continental and arrse comes with all kinds of problems, but stick with fanny, mouth or kleenex as destinations of choice and you won't go far wrong.
 
#12
scaryspice said:
Cook her a nice meal. Candles on the table, soft music, nice wine, the works.

At the end of the meal, get down on one knee and pop the question. (That's the "will you marry me" question...)
This worked for me.......twice, unfortunately, the marriages didn't.
Ho hum, at least I'm not short of toasters and I don't have to remember anniversaries anymore.
 
#13
And you don't have to visit the in-laws at Christmas (or worse still have them visit you...) sandmanfez - that's the best bit isn't it? :D
 
#15
I would suggest looking at something like www.thelist.co.uk, picking a cheap but nice resteraunt (save the pennies) and taking her out for a meal, then propose to her. As this is not an expensive gaff they will possibly give you free drinks.

Good luck mate
 
#16
Awwwww no the restuarant/meal scenario is so dull! You need a proper story for years down the line when you recount it to the grandkids!

Something thoughtful, different and individual would be far better. Surprise her!

May I suggest you dressed in a clown costume riding in on a mong chariot with the ring perched on your head dobber :-D It would work for me!
 
#17
scaryspice said:
And you don't have to visit the in-laws at Christmas (or worse still have them visit you...) sandmanfez - that's the best bit isn't it? :D
Oh yes!! Closely followed by the comforting thought that when I'm old and decrepit, I shan't have to wake up every morning with a woman in a similar state of decay. After paying a pittance for my daily Panamanian hooker, I'll be able to spend the rest of my money on someone I really love............me. :D
 
#18
Reasonably wise advice from Flowers there.

Restaurants are expensive. Even a Micky D is going to cost you a tenner for two.

Go somewhere like a cathedral, top of a hill, a windswept beach at dusk or whatever.

If she says no, you can throttle her quickly, dispose of the body into the crypt/soil/sand and no-one need ever know of your further humiliation.
 
#19
FluffyBunny said:
Reasonably wise advice from Flowers there.

Restaurants are expensive. Even a Micky D is going to cost you a tenner for two.

Go somewhere like a cathedral, top of a hill, a windswept beach at dusk or whatever.

If she says no, you can throttle her quickly, dispose of the body into the crypt/soil/sand and no-one need ever know of your further humiliation.
.... and jump off it. It'll save you in the long run. Believe me.
 
#20
If she's in any way sentimental she'd cherrish a piece of tin you found in a cracker, if you thought she'd really like it. Small, shiney and from you - that's all that really matters I'm sure.

Just don't show her the receipt, or she'll never let you forget it.
 

Similar threads

Latest Threads

Top