Marriage Advice (Guidance) for Newly Weds from those who have been there....

Joker62

ADC
Book Reviewer
I got married on September 11th.

1993.

I had trouble remembering it for the first 8 years.
I won't be allowed to forget either her birthday or our wedding anniversary. We go on holiday for the 1st 2 weeks of July every year (started when I first met her (2014), took her to Paris for her birthday which just happened to coincide with Bastille Day, told her that the big parade and fireworks were just for her, turns out she isn't quite the dumb blonde I thought she was, she knew what the date was), so while we are away, we celebrate anniversary (8th July) and her birthday (14th July), yet we never go anywhere nice for my birthday in Feb (apart from this year, when I got treated to Paris, partly to make up for missing last year's holiday due to having a heart attack, also so she got a decent Valentines Day out of it ( I did get up at sparrows fart to get flowers and visited a decent artisan patisserie to buy her her favourite cake, which cost a bras and a jambe)
 
I won't be allowed to forget either her birthday or our wedding anniversary. We go on holiday for the 1st 2 weeks of July every year (started when I first met her (2014), took her to Paris for her birthday which just happened to coincide with Bastille Day, told her that the big parade and fireworks were just for her, turns out she isn't quite the dumb blonde I thought she was, she knew what the date was), so while we are away, we celebrate anniversary (8th July) and her birthday (14th July), yet we never go anywhere nice for my birthday in Feb (apart from this year, when I got treated to Paris, partly to make up for missing last year's holiday due to having a heart attack, also so she got a decent Valentines Day out of it ( I did get up at sparrows fart to get flowers and visited a decent artisan patisserie to buy her her favourite cake, which cost a bras and a jambe)
is it all worth it?
 

Joker62

ADC
Book Reviewer

Whining Civvy

Old-Salt
To be honest I found the first two years of marriage bloody awful. I was in my early 30's and the bachelor life was quite entrenched, and she had, unbeknownst to me, written a somewhat lengthy list of rules entitled "Now that we are married and you can't run away, I'd like you to..." Those together created quite a storm and there was a lot of quite noisy bargaining and compromising before she got everything she wanted to her satisfaction.

The six years and two kids after that have been quite nice, actually.
 

Kirkz

LE
To be honest I found the first two years of marriage bloody awful. I was in my early 30's and the bachelor life was quite entrenched, and she had, unbeknownst to me, written a somewhat lengthy list of rules entitled "Now that we are married and you can't run away, I'd like you to..." Those together created quite a storm and there was a lot of quite noisy bargaining and compromising before she got everything she wanted to her satisfaction.

The six years and two kids after that have been quite nice, actually.
So you caved in and gave her everything she wanted, stop whining you weak individual.
 
1. Buy a shed. Keep it spidery and filthy inside.
2. Learn the phrase "Yes dear". Employ regularly.
3. What they don't know, won't hurt.
4. (and I cannot stress this enough)... drink lot's of alcohol.
Until she finds out. And be assured, she will find out. The longer the time between the action and the discovery, the greater the pain YOU will experience.
 

StBob072

LE
Book Reviewer
Apparently there are a list of words one should avoid at all costs never ever ever ever everever mention, 'Bingo Wings' and 'Back Fat' are two that spring to mind....

Elbow boobs.

You know that horrible roll of fat that hangs down over the back of the elbow?

Have you mentioned those yet? It'll keep her quiet for days checking in every mirror ...
 

StBob072

LE
Book Reviewer
Bit awks if you triggered her new fetish.

And don't tell your mates you've bought a house with Period Features....

You know she hates that nickname. :D
 

Whining Civvy

Old-Salt
So you caved in and gave her everything she wanted, stop whining you weak individual.
You know where you can stick that opinion, you miserable fat pillock.
 
Also when she's on her period, never reply to her get angry at you mentioning she might be a bit tetchy because she's on the blob with "What are you going to do bleed on me"

They seem to get triggered for some strange reason
Early on in our marriage when the PMS stuff started I put up with it for a couple of months. After that I told her I wasn't going to put up with it every month for lord knows how many years. Basically I told her to stay the fcuk away from me come blob time

I got the usual argument at first that she couldn't help it and it wasn't her fault, I countered it wasn't my fault either. Fair play to her she pretty much left me alone after that come the time of the month.
 
Early on in our marriage when the PMS stuff started I put up with it for a couple of months. After that I told her I wasn't going to put up with it every month for lord knows how many years. Basically I told her to stay the fcuk away from me come blob time

I got the usual argument at first that she couldn't help it and it wasn't her fault, I countered it wasn't my fault either. Fair play to her she pretty much left me alone after that come the time of the month.
I can't do that my missus can go on the blob over a month till she gives up and gets pills from the GP to stop it

She can be angrier than Jeremy Corbyn finding out all his Shadow Cabinet have Jewish relatives
 
Early on in our marriage when the PMS stuff started I put up with it for a couple of months. After that I told her I wasn't going to put up with it every month for lord knows how many years. Basically I told her to stay the fcuk away from me come blob time

I got the usual argument at first that she couldn't help it and it wasn't her fault, I countered it wasn't my fault either. Fair play to her she pretty much left me alone after that come the time of the month.
I said pretty much the same after 12 years!! “I know you can’t help it but I’ll be fcuked if me and the kids are going to have to put up with your hormonal psychotic shyt any more”
 

Bollox

War Hero
When looking at the gargoyles on the local church do not ask why are there carvings of her mother on the church
 

Kirkz

LE
You know where you can stick that opinion, you miserable fat pillock.
Try and keep there are pictures of me on here.
He is not fat ...
What she said.
Only £20k?

I wish I'd had your lawyer.

You jammy bar steward.
To be fair she only asked for half the equity in the house.
Solicitor was a family friend and didn't charge me a penny and she knew he specialised in divorce, I also got shared custody of the kids and once they finished school both came to live with me as there were less rules at my gaff.
Not since they put stronger padlocks on them skips.
The local Eastern Europeans smash them off within days of them being put on so they've pretty much given up on the idea.
 

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