Marriage Advice (Guidance) for Newly Weds from those who have been there....

It's always good to have a reference point to where one can turn to in times of crisis. Those who are married, or who have been married will know that things happen which cause a crisis and will have learnt from the mistakes they made that caused said crisis.

So where better to draw experiences from than members and ex members of the good old British Forces, or attached civvies. Who knows, there could be a book in it. 'The Arrsers Guide To A Successful Marriage'

So after 40 years of managing one crisis after another I'll kick things off with a few 'Pearls of Wisdom' for those Newly Weds out there or those about to enter the fray.

Rules

1. Very early doors make yourself familiar with the workings of all domestic household appliances, including dishwashers, washing machines, tumble dryers, especially the latter two.
2. Do not throw away the manuals to said appliances because you are going to need them when you break one of said appliances.
3. Having acquainted yourself with the workings of the washing machine and tumble dryer, be certain MAKE FCUCKING SURE you understand the rules of what can go in which, for how long, and on which cycle.
4. If you run out of the tablets for the dishwasher, under NO circumstances use Fairy Washing up liquid or you will spend the next 12 hours cleaning up a scene from a cheap Dr Who set.
5. If you tip over a tin of paint on the carpet, DO NOT fcucking send her a photograph of it on WhatsApp while she is away on holiday with her mates.
6. Do not use your wife's hairdryer for anything else other than drying your hair. If you do, don't tell her, and take a photograph of where you took it from so you can put it back in exactly the same place.
7. Buy a replica hairdryer as a spare in case you break said hairdryer drying out the carpet after cleaning up the paint off the carpet, or drying out the kitchen after using fcucking Fairy liquid in the dishwasher.
8. If your wife tells you she needs the car at x time when you are going out in it, for fcuks sake make sure it is back at least 15 minutes before x time.
8 (a) With sufficient petrol in it to at least get her to the nearest petrol station.
9. If you own a 'Leaf Vacuum/Blower Shredder' thingy, (you will once you get past 40) do not under any circumstances use it after she has hung the washing out and think you will get away with it.
10. Remember to zip the bag up on said garden thingy if the doors or windows are open.
11. Don't even fcuking think about a) Hanging Washing up, or b) folding washing after it has dried, unless you've done the course, been mentored, and shadowed at least three times before doing so.
12. Cleaning windows on the outside when the sun is shining is a big no no. Plus it doesn't make them look any cleaner from the inside of she hasn't done them, so it's pointless anyway.

These rules may sound trivial now, but trust me they will pay dividends in Shag brownie points later on.

So there's just a few to be getting on with. I hope you've been paying attention because Ill be asking questions and there's a test later....

Fire away to your hearts content...
 
1. Buy a shed. Keep it spidery and filthy inside.
2. Learn the phrase "Yes dear". Employ regularly.
3. What they don't know, won't hurt.
4. (and I cannot stress this enough)... drink lot's of alcohol.
 

oppoStu

War Hero
I'm not married - but can add one point here.

Always... and I mean, ALWAYS notice her new haircut.

Saved a life with that advice, your welcome.
 
It's always good to have a reference point to where one can turn to in times of crisis. Those who are married, or who have been married will know that things happen which cause a crisis and will have learnt from the mistakes they made that caused said crisis.
So where better to draw experiences from than members and ex members of the good old British Forces, or attached civvies. Who knows, there could be a book in it. 'The Arrsers Guide To A Successful Marriage'
So after 40 years of managing one crisis after another I'll kick things off with a few 'Pearls of Wisdom' for those Newly Weds out there or those about to enter the fray.
Fire away to your hearts content...

Adjust your expectations
 
Ensure you instruct your husband not to start ******* shite threads on a (very) loosely based military forum.
 
Don't get married, would be the best advice
 
Do not believe all that guff about ‘you must never forget your wedding anniversary ‘. You can -







Once.

Any thoughts of remarrying post- divorce, must be addressed under the heading ‘Triumph of Hope over Experience’.
 
As this is for newly married ones,
Once love's new bloom fades you will start to notice things that you didn't before. Like the spots on her bum and the fact that that appendage seems larger than you remember. Never, ever tell her that. Especially when you get the question "Does my bum look big in this?" Lie.

Come her birthday or the first Christmas after you've wed, do not look in a window or catalogue and think "That set of saucepans/Pyrex dishes look nice. I'm sure she'd appreciate those as a present". Put that thought out of your mind straight away and get thee back to a jewellers.

When she's watching her favourite soap and you're hiding the screen on your laptop from her whilst browsing porn/car reviews/places to buy cheap booze, simply look up now and again and say "I thought they'd broken up/got back together again" and she'll get the impression you actually give a toss.
 
Goes both ways ...
fcacc95cf7d13c39c6f475a25bbc8f20.jpg
 
As this is for newly married ones,
Once love's new bloom fades you will start to notice things that you didn't before. Like the spots on her bum and the fact that that appendage seems larger than you remember. Never, ever tell her that. Especially when you get the question "Does my bum look big in this?" Lie.

Come her birthday or the first Christmas after you've wed, do not look in a window or catalogue and think "That set of saucepans/Pyrex dishes look nice. I'm sure she'd appreciate those as a present". Put that thought out of your mind straight away and get thee back to a jewellers.

When she's watching her favourite soap and you're hiding the screen on your laptop from her whilst browsing porn/car reviews/places to buy cheap booze, simply look up now and again and say "I thought they'd broken up/got back together again" and she'll get the impression you actually give a toss.

Apparently if you do forget her Birthday, saying:-

"How am I supposed to remember your Birthday when you never look a day older than when I met you" works..so I've been told
 
I would honestly have thought that there couldn’t be a worse place to ask about marriage guidance than from the serried ranks of ARRSE....:slow:
 
Ensure you instruct your husband not to start ******* shite threads on a (very) loosely based military forum.

Sorry...Were you looking for real marriage guidance..
 

StBob072

LE
Book Reviewer
I have never been there, I have no intention of going there, and at my age I don't think anyone else would wish to go there either.
 

Latest Threads

Top