Map of Africa - swamping/pee related threads here please

#42
The "Tiger's Eye" is the way to go. It's a lump of Jade sewn into the foreskin. 8O I 've got the cheap version; a 6mm roofing nut sewn into the "hood".
 

MrBane

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#43
Having come from 'Threads Past, thread, saw this made me laugh, fuck it.

Cyprus, decompression. I wake up in my three top bunk, drunken haze. Nights revelry is over. I look over the edge and see a certain fullscrew squatting by an attached arms bed. Chap is out for the count in his pit oblivious to this guy beside him.

"what are you doing?" I query.
"Having a shit" he retorts.
"FUCK OFF YOU GROTTY CUNT!" I yell.
He staggers to his feet, admits that's not the done thing, and then pisses over the guy instead.

Next morning this REME lad wakes up.

"Aaaah fuck, did I lag myself?"
I peer down from up high "Wasn't you mate.."
Nerve seen someone move so fast.
 
#44
I remember the sound of a sleepwalker pissing in another lads wardrobe. Same bloke used to ask if the could borrow his socks ffs. Oddly enough he never got filled in by the brick shithouse who's wardrobe he had anointed.

Thing to do in a tent when it was pissing down was to fill an empty pop bottle with hot pee and use it as a hot water bottle to warm the toes up in the bag. Early in the morning before folk were up, the bottle was quietly emptied a few inches from the tent.

I used to be able to hold my bladder for ages. Decades later* wandering across town after the pubs had shut and all the WCs were closed, it was a matter of finding a discrete alleyway or a WC that had a hidden entrance, then let go. A pal once said "It sounds like your pissing like a horse". Worst was getting off the bus, after internally clenching the pee muscles, with only a ten minute walk to the digs only for the first dribbles to start ahead of the flood... Not such a big deal when it was raining... but fresh jeans the next day.

* Don't be silly. I didn't hold my bladder for decades!
 
#45
Janet the Planet at Barker was a frequent recipient of my post coital piss, whilst she lay unconscious. She finally stopped inviting me back to her NAAFI scratcher after I left a large shit on her tits. IIRC she was the animal mascot of the Green Flash.
 
#46
During a particularly torrid portion of my life a few years ago, I was seeing a vegetarian, feminist girl I'd met a while back (don't laugh). Bit of a bore, but a right good'un when it came to horizontal (and vertical) gymnastics, and always up for a shag.

Fast forward to the final few weeks of the relationship, I'm at a flat party with her fat, feminist friends all drinking wine and cackling among themselves. I get bored and strike up a conversation with the only other bloke there. Turns out there's no beer, so I head out a grab a bottle of paintstripper whiskey, which is brought back and shared between two comiserating comrades. After about two thirds of a bottle, I stagger up to bed with the missus, who is quite pissed off with me, and fall asleep.

An indeterminate time later, I come to with a fat harpie screaming at me, a dampness at my crotch and a spreading wet patch on the carpet, which I am viewing at floor level. I snigger to myself, spurring another round of screaming and am bundled into a car to be whisked back to my digs. Two shags and a screaming match later, the saga ends, but a corner of a foreign carpet shall forever remain my territory by right of piss.
 
#47
Before I joined up, and before I knew what swamping was, after an evening in the local inns and hostelries, I once pissed the single bed in my bedsit, while my girlfriend was sleeping next to me. As luck would have it, she got up and went to use the bog, downstairs. That was my cue to sort this out. I went to the sink, finished my piss off there, and sponged my naked body down with cold water, then stripped the bedsheets. I had a spare set in a cupboard, and put a few old copies of the Express & Star between the mattress and clean sheet. Then, I switched the light back off.

My lass came back upstairs, and got back in the dry bed. She couldn't see that I had changed the sheets, due to the darkness, and I hoped she wouldn't notice in the morning. "What's that noise?" she asked.

"Oh, it's just newspaper I put in for insulation, cos it's cold in here on my own," I replied.

She must have believed it, as she was still with me over 6 months later.
 
#48
Back in 1990 I attended Thames Valley Police college in Sulhamstead, not far from Reading, I was in a 4 man room, one of the lads was a straight laced sort of bloke (probably a Superintendent now.) My room bezzer was ace, he was ex 3 Para Reg. At the end of course piss up we all got hammered (except for Mr straight lace.)

In the morning, after straight lace was doing his ablutions, the ex Para casually mentions that he has swamped his mattress. He then stripped his bed and swapped his mattress with straight lace and made his bed up.

There was a myth flying around (still going) about a ghost in the building (it was a seriously old building) and ex Para quite easily explained to straight lace man that it must have been the ghost that swamped his pit.

He believed it, nevertheless, he was billed for his mattress, despite his protestations that it was a ghost.

So fucking funny. Ian D, you are a legend.
 
#49
Before I joined up, and before I knew what swamping was, after an evening in the local inns and hostelries, I once pissed the single bed in my bedsit, while my girlfriend was sleeping next to me. As luck would have it, she got up and went to use the bog, downstairs. That was my cue to sort this out. I went to the sink, finished my piss off there, and sponged my naked body down with cold water, then stripped the bedsheets. I had a spare set in a cupboard, and put a few old copies of the Express & Star between the mattress and clean sheet. Then, I switched the light back off.

My lass came back upstairs, and got back in the dry bed. She couldn't see that I had changed the sheets, due to the darkness, and I hoped she wouldn't notice in the morning. "What's that noise?" she asked.

"Oh, it's just newspaper I put in for insulation, cos it's cold in here on my own," I replied.

She must have believed it, as she was still with me over 6 months later.
Christ... how many miles away from 'down stairs' was the bog your bird went to piss in? Must have been a bus ride away if you had time to piss in the sink, have a bath, strip the bed, line it with newspapers, put clean linen on and then get back into bed to await her return.
 
#50
Before I joined up, and before I knew what swamping was, after an evening in the local inns and hostelries, I once pissed the single bed in my bedsit, while my girlfriend was sleeping next to me. As luck would have it, she got up and went to use the bog, downstairs. That was my cue to sort this out. I went to the sink, finished my piss off there, and sponged my naked body down with cold water, then stripped the bedsheets. I had a spare set in a cupboard, and put a few old copies of the Express & Star between the mattress and clean sheet. Then, I switched the light back off.

My lass came back upstairs, and got back in the dry bed. She couldn't see that I had changed the sheets, due to the darkness, and I hoped she wouldn't notice in the morning. "What's that noise?" she asked.

"Oh, it's just newspaper I put in for insulation, cos it's cold in here on my own," I replied.

She must have believed it, as she was still with me over 6 months later.
Impressive:)


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 
#51
Christ... how many miles away from 'down stairs' was the bog your bird went to piss in? Must have been a bus ride away if you had time to piss in the sink, have a bath, strip the bed, line it with newspapers, put clean linen on and then get back into bed to await her return.
I lived in an attic, and the communal bog was on the floor down from me. There was no bath - I sponged myself with cold water from the tap - there was no bath. and the communal shower was in the same room as the lavvy. It was only a small bedsit so everything was close to hand. I acted very fast, as if my life depended upon it.
 
#52
Back in 1990 I attended Thames Valley Police college in Sulhamstead, not far from Reading, I was in a 4 man room, one of the lads was a straight laced sort of bloke (probably a Superintendent now.) My room bezzer was ace, he was ex 3 Para Reg. At the end of course piss up we all got hammered (except for Mr straight lace.)

In the morning, after straight lace was doing his ablutions, the ex Para casually mentions that he has swamped his mattress. He then stripped his bed and swapped his mattress with straight lace and made his bed up.

There was a myth flying around (still going) about a ghost in the building (it was a seriously old building) and ex Para quite easily explained to straight lace man that it must have been the ghost that swamped his pit.

He believed it, nevertheless, he was billed for his mattress, despite his protestations that it was a ghost.

So fucking funny. Ian D, you are a legend.
So when is Superintendent Straight Laced bringing Derek Acorah down to meet the ghost?
 
#55
With the newspaper reference, it was probably outside.
Indeed... at the bottom of the longest garden in the UK. He says it was just one floor down but what he forgot to tell us was that the 'bird' was wheelchair bound.

Getting down was easy enough. It was sorting out the wreckage of the wheelchair and getting back upstairs unaided that took the time and allowed him to take a bath, do the laundry and wallpaper his mattress with old copies of the Daily Waffle.
 
#56
Old Navy mate RS. Was on fisheries protection. They used to occasionally do an overnight alongside in the IOM. He was knocking of a teacher there,and would stay in Her flat overnight after a night on the piss. She gets up to stick the kettle on before He heads back to the Ship in the morning. He gets up and notices Hes left a considerable skid mark on the sheet. Thinking on His feet he turns the sheet so as its on Her side of the bed. Job Jobbed,and down for tea and toast before returning on board.
 

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