Map of Africa - swamping/pee related threads here please

Gents, I know it is a common occurence in Military Life, but are there any particular splash down incidents that stick out in ones memory?
I remember two incidents, one being a bed swamp that was dry from the waist down, but soaking from the waist up including the pillow. Did this man have wood? Go figure.
The other incident was in Bosnia where the same chap lagged in his maggot 20 times in 21 nights. Needless to say his "sleeping system" smelt like a phone box at closing time.


lived in the next pit space to a guy who couldnt drink without splashing down. He used to do it in lockers and kettles, then deny all knowledge. Bloody retch. I can see this thread making a fast dash for the NAAFI bar rigger!!  :eek:


Used to have a neighbour who was prone to drunken latenight wanderings - his most notorious target was the vegetable rack (needless to say his missus wasnt too impressed with his choice of unloading-bay!)


I've met a few "midnight firemen" in my time, but the crown prince of swamping was a little scottish man who liked to urinate on everybody elses wanking chariots. He and his tiny ginger penis terrorised the living accomodation at 216 Sig Sqn Aldershot for about 4 years. If the "wee stinker" as he came to be known as, was on a bender, everybody had their lockers locked and mattresses in bivvy-bags. He managed to piss his own bed almost every single night. His mattress looked the Turin Shroud.
Many years ago when Nelson still had both arms, I was an Officer Under Training in HMS Invincible.  One of the duties of the Officer of the Watch in harbour was to go round the accommodation, with the Quartermaster (not a blanket stacker), in the "wee" hours to check all was well.  On one occasion in Gib we were greeted with the sight of a bootneck bandsmen climbing out of his top bunk and peeing all over his oppo's jeans that were draped on a chair.  He seemed oblivious to us even with both our torches shining full in his face.  I suppose you could say he was "focussed".  History does not relate how his oppo reacted the following morning.

There are two types of officer:

1)  Those that pee in sinks.


2) Those that deny it.


Whilst using the ranges at Lydd, the troops had a couple of socialble sherries in Folkstone, (Why did we bother)- and the Ferret was worse for wear, yacking over one of the lads in the taxi and finally collapsing on his scratcher at about 3am. At reveille at 6am, he is found bleary eyed and fully clothed with his 501's round his ankles, gortex boots still on and the worse case of ammonia induced trench foot I have ever seen.

Oh and he'd he yacked all over his Gortex jacket, which was offered to him by his drunken room mate. (Who himself had shocked an attached SSgt at 5am, in the ablutions, flossing himself after $hitting himself. You know who you are- you ba$tards!!!
A chap called wee Jimmy again Five feet nothing, very quiet very softly spoken gentlemanly sort of guy..

Add beer = monster, used to vanish from the bar and go over to the Block in mindedn and swampin anyones bed who was stupid enough to leave thier rooms open.

He even picked on a six foot four giant who was asleep after an exercise, he awoke to fing wee jimmy lagging on his naked chest, when he sat up to challenge him he got as mouthful of recycled Herfy ;D

I think hes now a warrant officer..........


I must admit, between 87 and 92 I was prone to the occasional leak myself.

I'd always wake up, with that lovely cold clammy feeling, usually after having a dream about standing on top of a yellow waterfall.
The thing is, i'd have the same thought every time "Maybe if I lie here for long enough, I can get it to dry out?" So i'd lie there for a bit, looking up at the ceiling, indulging in a spot of self-loathing, willing the mattress dry.
Eventually, my legs would start to sting from the ammonia, so i'd have to get up and dry it out the traditional way, by hanging it out the window, forming what came to be known as an "Aldershot flower box"
I don't think you qualify as a man or certainly a soldier until

1. You've lagged yer bed
2. You've lagged yer mates bed
3. You've lagged somebirds couch because you couldn't climb the stairs without risk of injury


I was once on a comp at bisley. We where put up in this old rifle club building on the NRA site.

We'd fucked of into pirbright to find a pub and get pissed, and that we did.

We got back and crashed out, I can just remember being pissed and trying to creep past the officers quarters which were in a parallel corridor to ours.

Come about 3 I woke up from cold (id been to pissed to get in my maggot), I sobered slightly, then thort - did I?, Didn't I? Then I thort I better go and check incase I did and it gets found out.

I went out the door of our corridor and looked at the doors leading to the officers quarters and the bog right next to it. I thort $HIT. The memory was coming back, I had come back pissed and gone to the bog but used the wrong door.

I went in, ghost walking, with snoreing either side of me, felt the wet, wet floor. I thort FUCK FUCK FUCK. So I grabbed one of there spare blankets and quitely mopped it up before fucking off sharpish.


War Hero
Met an RMAS convict who's driving ambition is to drink so much that he will involuntarily defacate in his sleep.

He has already (at uni) woken up in the blood palace with a drip attached trying to achieve his goal.  He tries very hard indeed!


War Hero
Knew a lad who lashed after just 1 pint....fed up with being billed for mattresses he took some bright sparks advice and slept on the day he had to pay for a new carpet......LMAO!

From Officers' Mess board ... my experience last Christmas at Mess bash...

One chap billed his guest in advance as 'Some bird I'm shagging' and then proceeded to ignore her all evening.  Unfortunately, she was placed between two unbelievably socially inept subbies who barely spoke two words to her or each other throughout the dinner.  Shame.

Of the two subbies closest to me, one (very nice chap) was on best behaviour and talked about how grateful he was for all the good things my other half had done for him in the last few months.  So I decided it was up to me to lower the tone.  

I started with what I thought was a tame question about the most embarrassing thing that had happened to them since they had been in the Army.  The other subbie said he could not possibly say as I would be shocked. I assured him I wouldn't and then he drunkenly told me the first time he took his current girlfriend to bed after a drunken evening out, he peed all over her in his sleep.  Then there was no stopping him and he confessed to doing it after just about any heavy boozing session.  Not knowing him well enough to laugh out loud, I said something I hoped was diplomatic: 'I've heard of that happening before - it's probably more common than you think' .  He went on to tell me things which I cannot repeat on this site.   Even if it is called ARRSE.  

Good job I AM unshockable.  Very funny though.


I knew a guy in the 3rd Bn (Olly) who swamped most nights. When he was leaving the army he took off his mattress cover and washed it - so far so good. Problem was when he went to put it back on it had shrunk and was about 3" too short. He then cut the end off of the mattress and handed it in, the Q man was none the wiser!! Quite a guy our Olly, he was at the time the army cross-country champion!


My mate, only lags on Stella, and usually drinks fosters-humourously he cant tell the difference!-Well until he is lagging in the wardrobe!- you know who u are 'dude'



Here's a question, your out boozing and have to nip off for a slash only to find that all the urinals are occupied. You are forced to use one of the traps. Once inside it becomes apparent that the last person in there obviously had an arrse hole half way up their back and has pebbledashed the pot.
Is it just me or does everyone strain that bit harder trying to blast the skid marks away with their piss??
answers on a postcard
And when you've done for the skids, you can attempt to shoot down the
flies. Great sport! :)


One hundred percent perfectly correct !!!!

That's I what I do !!

Every right thinking person would/should do it.


It's always an enjoyable pastime, but wheres the challenge?

I much prefer chasing a cig butt. This can only be done in one of those long, trough type pissers, and only if you've got the bog to yourself, otherwise someone might mistake your intentions and fill you in.

Theres always a couple of dimps, wallowing in a bit of piss at the end furthest away from the drain. The best ones have got an inch of the white still on show.

You have to completely destroy the fagend before your slash takes it inevitably to the drain. The easy bit is blasting the white until theres a tobacco explosion. The tricky part, is getting the paper off the filter. I find that holding the shaft of my willy in a vice like grip enables me to generate pressure equivalent to a Karcher steam hose.

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