Manny Fagnets

Cutaway

LE
Kit Reviewer
#1
Babies.
Bloody brilliant ain't they ?

Like most blokes I had never had much use for stickies.
They really are lousy mates, never lend you their motor, porn collection or a monkey to go on the p1ss with.
I'd always assumed that they were psychotic kak machines, producing fluid from both ends at an alarming rate and an impressive velocity.

But not entirely so...

I was, against my better judgement, persuaded by an Oompa-Loompa doris to help her getting her shopping and the extent of assistance entailed looking after her wriggling simian. Not the sort of thing a self-respecting amateur alcoholic should countenance, but how wrong I was.

I was only holding the strangely silent pooh-creature and had that odd feeling of being watched, you know the one, like just before the badge-man descended on you like a Cent on a wedge when you stuffed up in basics. Turned out I was being, well not so much watched, more like stalked.

I think it must be something to do with the pheromones produced by sprogs, but as I wandered the aisles I became aware of a gathering of flange, nothing concrete, just the sense of more sharpened lungs nuzzling the tins around me.
Before I knew what was happening I saw a moist of yummies charging towards me, being led by their snapping clouts.
How they didn't slither and fall considering the amount of beaverbatter they were leaking I can only attribute to the speed of forward movement. The momentum of attack was better than at Danny Boy, and without the Warrior support.
An impressive sight, especially as there wasn't a hippocrocabuffapig amongst them

Used as I am of being the centre of attraction for good looking dorii, this is no great surprise, but the rush and amount of bints that arrived was nothing short of astounding.
They all start coo-ing and looking at you up and down in what can only be described as an obscenely lust-filled manner. You just know they're thinking how glad they were to have done all the Kegel exercises described in their girlie mags, about the number of ways they can milk babyglue from your innocent but well toned body.
It'd be damn rude to deny them wouldn't it ?

I'm not complaining, just impressed with the amount of time you can save, you'll be left with several extra hours a week which you can devote to quality time with your oppos at the bar.

So I've amended my impression of babies, they should be issue.
I can't give them a better CR, if you can borrow a baby for a bit just do it, maybe see if you can sign one out.
They are the manny fagnet of choice, bar none.
(Remember to take a daypack along to stuff it into once you've made your choice, most decent pubs won't allow stickies insde.)
 
#2
When I was a younger lad (OK last week) I used to take my baby sister out when I knew young ladies would be present. All was good and the women loved it. Twas even better when I taught her to say "my brother's got a big w1lly" :D

Went horribly down hill when she figured out it was much funnier to say "small willy". Bloody kids.
 
#3
Crikey, Cuts! Which post-natally-depressed woman did you convince to lend her sproglet to you? Did you swap it for a bottle of gin?
 

Cutaway

LE
Kit Reviewer
#4
DozyBint said:
Crikey, Cuts! Which post-natally-depressed woman did you convince to lend her sproglet to you? Did you swap it for a bottle of gin?
I made her a nice hat out of it.
 
#5
I have a sprog. My wife still wonders why I volunteer to take him to the supermarket all the time. Doh!

Happily, I live in MILF-ville.

V!
 
#6
A decent dog is only slightly less effective than an ankle-biter. By "decent" I am talking about the type of animal that you can't drop kick over the cross bar on your local playing fields. Golden retrievers are particularly good examples.

Before heading to HMP Camberley, I used to take mine on runs through Richmond (the civilised one in Surrey) and down the river bank, ending up by the White Cross. On a friday or saturday afternoon, it never failed to guarantee lots of drooling attention from the hordes of European nannies, American students or ballerinas from the Royal Ballet School. Result!
 
#8
King Charles Spaniel. If it's a bold little b*gger! The dafter the name the better! Just borrow mine fm next door neighbour. 2 birds (sic) with one stone. Walkies!
 
#9
This miracle of 'The Magnet' is only made more impressive as the supermarket in question is one of the hottest gay pick-up joints in the City of London!

Beebs

PS I am NOT an Oompa-Loompa...... :?
 

Cutaway

LE
Kit Reviewer
#10
Oompa-Loompa said:
I am NOT an Oompa-Loompa...... :?
But if someone can and does perform both the song and the dance of the Oompa-Loompas with an accuracy that can only have come from a lifetime, nay a long lineage of actually being an Oompa-Loompa, what other conclusion may be drawn ?
 
#11
blessed baby cakes said:
This miracle of 'The Magnet' is only made more impressive as the supermarket in question is one of the hottest gay pick-up joints in the City of London!

Beebs

PS I am NOT an Oompa-Loompa...... :?
Beebs I am stuned to say the least. You allowed Cuts unsupervised access to your sprog? Holy mother of christ, Cuts offered to walk my dog and I kindly declined his offer as I am fully aware of his proclivities...I could never allow him supervised or unsupervised access to my sprog, unless of course it is a gwar mong then all bets are off. :D
 
#12
Cutaway said:
Babies. Bloody brilliant ain't they ?
No they ain’t! When was the last time you heard of a baby winning the Nobel Prize for Physics?

Cutaway said:
Like most blokes I had never had much use for stickies.
Agreed. But then again Little Jack B@stard isn't 'most blokes'

Cutaway said:
I'd always assumed that they were psychotic kak machines, producing fluid from both ends at an alarming rate and an impressive velocity.
Now; if there was a Nobel Prize for Phychotic Kak Machines – they would be in with a shout

Cutaway said:
I think it must be something to do with the pheromones produced by sprogs, but as I wandered the aisles I became aware of a gathering of flange, nothing concrete, just the sense of more sharpened lungs nuzzling the tins around me.
Before I knew what was happening I saw a moist of yummies charging towards me, being led by their snapping clouts.
How they didn't slither and fall considering the amount of beaverbatter they were leaking I can only attribute to the speed of forward movement. The momentum of attack was better than at Danny Boy, and without the Warrior support.
An impressive sight, especially as there wasn't a hippocrocabuffapig amongst them
Why do you need a rug rat to have that happen? Daily occurrence for the handsome (like me) :D

blessed baby cakes said:
I am NOT an Oompa-Loompa...... :?
If it looks like an Oompa Loompa, sounds like an Oompa Loompa, and walks like and Oompa Loompa, take my word for it - IT IS an Oompa Loompa
 
#13
Proclivities? PROCLIVITIES?

You must have been using an online dictionary. You would never have thought of that word by yourself.

Personally I find that Black Lab puppies work wonders.
:D
 
#14
Bad_Crow said:
Indeed. Imagine what you could do with a K-9 and a sh1t machine. Moooohuhuhhahahhaa
Not as easy as it sounds. While the ladies are cooing over which ever one first, its guaranteed the other will feck things up resulting in a neccesary sharp withdrawal. Keep it simple. :wink:

SK
 
#15
I have golden retriever, sprogs x2 and I still can't pull.

Must be cos I am an fugly basstard!!!
 
#16
Ah good thinking SKJOLD

However im thinking one foot on the ground at all times in a 2 up one back formation i could fully engage The enemys Damp depth position Whilst they provide fire support. Plus the dog which would be a guide dog so quite switched on could take Caramac arrse home!
 
#17
growler said:
King Charles Spaniel. If it's a bold little b*gger! The dafter the name the better! Just borrow mine fm next door neighbour. 2 birds (sic) with one stone. Walkies!
Have to agree on that one - the missus/kids picked out ours as 4 month old pup (honest!) and all you get from the lasses around here is "so cute..." :D

Now if the little fcuker would only stop scooting on the rug & wetting herself when excited... :D

lancslad
 
#18
:lol: I must just be rats then!!

Got the golden recliner, and 2 cute kids ( both types ), both under 2, neither Gwa, and the only doris attention I ever get is from SAGA louts! :D
 
#19
It is a well known and ancient maxim that the route to a woman's affectiions is via her kids. There's not much a mother won't do if you hold a blade to the neck of her offspring - Ghengis Khan wrote that (probably) and he was a veritable muff magnet.

Nowadays threatening kids to get a hand-job from their mother is frowned upon by the PC brigade, but if you interract well enough with children, you can set a girl's magic fleshy jellybean a-flutter. The key, as with most things in life, is in the grip. You must learn to hold a baby properly as soon as possible, but don't practise with "Dolly Wet Nappy" down Toys R Us because people will start talking. It's genetics or something, I don't know for sure as I was looking over her shoulder at the fit waitress, but apparently all the things that make us men attractive to women (money, humour, docility, cool tattoo, ability to cry when they want us to, nice shoes, a penis) are all traits that are desirable in potential life partners. The ability to hold a baby without dropping it on the soft spot in it's head is the same, get it right and they'll all want a special bath with daddy. As with dancing in high heels, however, it only looks good if it's instinctive. A few tips:

Think of baby (oh yeah, when talking about babies in general terms, don't say "the baby", "it", "thingy" or "that" - say "baby" you'll think you sound like a cnut, and you will, but it's all about willing suspension of disbelief - they want to believe you're Dr Hilary Jones from "GMTV", so give them an excuse to...) where was I? Think of baby as a rugby ball. The ideal grip is secure, comfortable and largely one handed, freeing the other for beer duties, tactile flirting ("Oh you have some Farley's Rusk in your hair...") and handing off drunk flankers. It is allowed to touch baby's arrse while they are still in the "babe in arms" phase (babe is not a 'derogatory' term for babies like it is for dorises) so supporting a baby by cupping the back of it's nappy while its head rests on your bicep is best. Hook a foot in one of your belt-loops just in case you drop him too.
Beware getting too close to them, it's a common error: blokes tend to get over excited and start making faces about 4 inches away from the poor bleeder's face. You're ugly, the only people who claim otherwise are related to you or trying to get ownership of your genitals and/or 50% of your possessions, so a defenceless creature who's been of this world for 6 weeks doesn't want something the equivalent size of a house making his come face at them. Plus, baby's swede is truly massive compared to the rest of him and he can't control it for toffee. It's very likely you'll get a viscious headbutt from the little statistic and no-one will give you any sympathy, oh no. Plus they smell of shit and all sorts of ungodly baby products.

Done well, proper baby handling can get you all sorts of action, especially off single women approaching 35 years old. HOWEVER, and this important, if you have a girlfriend and someone breaks out the rugrats, press the top of their heads and ask "which bit is their brains?" and hold them at arm's length as if they're an armed PROM mine that someone just tricked you into holding. If all else fails, give one some of your guinness, bounce it around in your arms until it vomits on you then hand it back to it's mum with a curt "this little cunt just chundered on me" trust me, you'll thank me for it.
 
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