Manny Fagnets

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Cutaway, Dec 2, 2005.

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  1. Cutaway

    Cutaway LE Reviewer

    Bloody brilliant ain't they ?

    Like most blokes I had never had much use for stickies.
    They really are lousy mates, never lend you their motor, porn collection or a monkey to go on the p1ss with.
    I'd always assumed that they were psychotic kak machines, producing fluid from both ends at an alarming rate and an impressive velocity.

    But not entirely so...

    I was, against my better judgement, persuaded by an Oompa-Loompa doris to help her getting her shopping and the extent of assistance entailed looking after her wriggling simian. Not the sort of thing a self-respecting amateur alcoholic should countenance, but how wrong I was.

    I was only holding the strangely silent pooh-creature and had that odd feeling of being watched, you know the one, like just before the badge-man descended on you like a Cent on a wedge when you stuffed up in basics. Turned out I was being, well not so much watched, more like stalked.

    I think it must be something to do with the pheromones produced by sprogs, but as I wandered the aisles I became aware of a gathering of flange, nothing concrete, just the sense of more sharpened lungs nuzzling the tins around me.
    Before I knew what was happening I saw a moist of yummies charging towards me, being led by their snapping clouts.
    How they didn't slither and fall considering the amount of beaverbatter they were leaking I can only attribute to the speed of forward movement. The momentum of attack was better than at Danny Boy, and without the Warrior support.
    An impressive sight, especially as there wasn't a hippocrocabuffapig amongst them

    Used as I am of being the centre of attraction for good looking dorii, this is no great surprise, but the rush and amount of bints that arrived was nothing short of astounding.
    They all start coo-ing and looking at you up and down in what can only be described as an obscenely lust-filled manner. You just know they're thinking how glad they were to have done all the Kegel exercises described in their girlie mags, about the number of ways they can milk babyglue from your innocent but well toned body.
    It'd be damn rude to deny them wouldn't it ?

    I'm not complaining, just impressed with the amount of time you can save, you'll be left with several extra hours a week which you can devote to quality time with your oppos at the bar.

    So I've amended my impression of babies, they should be issue.
    I can't give them a better CR, if you can borrow a baby for a bit just do it, maybe see if you can sign one out.
    They are the manny fagnet of choice, bar none.
    (Remember to take a daypack along to stuff it into once you've made your choice, most decent pubs won't allow stickies insde.)
  2. When I was a younger lad (OK last week) I used to take my baby sister out when I knew young ladies would be present. All was good and the women loved it. Twas even better when I taught her to say "my brother's got a big w1lly" :D

    Went horribly down hill when she figured out it was much funnier to say "small willy". Bloody kids.
  3. Crikey, Cuts! Which post-natally-depressed woman did you convince to lend her sproglet to you? Did you swap it for a bottle of gin?
  4. Cutaway

    Cutaway LE Reviewer

    I made her a nice hat out of it.
  5. I have a sprog. My wife still wonders why I volunteer to take him to the supermarket all the time. Doh!

    Happily, I live in MILF-ville.

  6. A decent dog is only slightly less effective than an ankle-biter. By "decent" I am talking about the type of animal that you can't drop kick over the cross bar on your local playing fields. Golden retrievers are particularly good examples.

    Before heading to HMP Camberley, I used to take mine on runs through Richmond (the civilised one in Surrey) and down the river bank, ending up by the White Cross. On a friday or saturday afternoon, it never failed to guarantee lots of drooling attention from the hordes of European nannies, American students or ballerinas from the Royal Ballet School. Result!
  7. Indeed. Imagine what you could do with a K-9 and a sh1t machine. Moooohuhuhhahahhaa
  8. King Charles Spaniel. If it's a bold little b*gger! The dafter the name the better! Just borrow mine fm next door neighbour. 2 birds (sic) with one stone. Walkies!
  9. This miracle of 'The Magnet' is only made more impressive as the supermarket in question is one of the hottest gay pick-up joints in the City of London!


    PS I am NOT an Oompa-Loompa...... :?
  10. Cutaway

    Cutaway LE Reviewer

    But if someone can and does perform both the song and the dance of the Oompa-Loompas with an accuracy that can only have come from a lifetime, nay a long lineage of actually being an Oompa-Loompa, what other conclusion may be drawn ?
  11. Beebs I am stuned to say the least. You allowed Cuts unsupervised access to your sprog? Holy mother of christ, Cuts offered to walk my dog and I kindly declined his offer as I am fully aware of his proclivities...I could never allow him supervised or unsupervised access to my sprog, unless of course it is a gwar mong then all bets are off. :D
  12. No they ain’t! When was the last time you heard of a baby winning the Nobel Prize for Physics?

    Agreed. But then again Little Jack B@stard isn't 'most blokes'

    Now; if there was a Nobel Prize for Phychotic Kak Machines – they would be in with a shout

    Why do you need a rug rat to have that happen? Daily occurrence for the handsome (like me) :D

    If it looks like an Oompa Loompa, sounds like an Oompa Loompa, and walks like and Oompa Loompa, take my word for it - IT IS an Oompa Loompa
  13. Proclivities? PROCLIVITIES?

    You must have been using an online dictionary. You would never have thought of that word by yourself.

    Personally I find that Black Lab puppies work wonders.
  14. Not as easy as it sounds. While the ladies are cooing over which ever one first, its guaranteed the other will feck things up resulting in a neccesary sharp withdrawal. Keep it simple. :wink:

  15. I have golden retriever, sprogs x2 and I still can't pull.

    Must be cos I am an fugly basstard!!!