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Manchester United...

#1
A Man Utd fan dies on match day and goes to heaven in his Man Utd shirt. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St. Peter in a Arsenal scarf.

"Hello mate," says St. Peter, "I'm sorry, no Man Utd fans in heaven."
"What?" Exclaims the man, astonished.
"You heard, no Man Utd fans."
"But, but, but, I've been a good man," replies the Man Utd supporter.
"Oh really," says St. Peter. "What have you done, then?"
"Well," said the guy, "Three weeks before I died, I gave 10 pounds to the starving children in Africa."
"Oh," says St. Peter. "Anything else?"
"Well, two weeks before I died I also gave 10 pounds to the homeless."
"Hmmm. Anything else?"
"Yeah. A week before I died I gave 10 pounds to the Albanian orphans."
"Okay," said St. Peter, "You wait here a minute while I have a word with the governor."
Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns. He looks the bloke in the eye and says, "I've had a word with God and he agrees with me. Here's your thirty quid back, now fuck off."
 
#5
A Man Utd fan was walking past the Kop, which was teeming with Liverpool fans. A gang of Urchin scallies spotted him, and the leader says to the leader of the Youth Crew "Ey, lar, go round the corner and boot da fuck outta dat Manc twat!"

So, he follow him round the corner, and when he hasn't appeared after a few minutes, the leader sends a few of his main lads to investigate.

After they don't come back, he says to the whole gang, "C'mon lets all do da Manc scum!"

Next thing you know, the Scousers are running back, "It's a trick! Ders two of em!"
 

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