Man Test a la FHM

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Cuddles, Jul 14, 2009.

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  1. FHM produces these man tests, yet you always feel that they aren't prepared to go the whole hog vis a vis questions. So feel free to take my own man test:

    1.What is the most damge you have ever done to another human (Welsh people count for the purpose of this exercise)?

    2.What is the most expensive item you have stolen and how much?

    3.Have you ever committed adultery, sodomy or buggery?

    4.With what??

    5.What is the most alcohol you have consumed in 24 hours?

    6. How long were you sick afterwards?

    7. What is the largest age difference between you and a sexual partner? Plus or minus?

    8.Ever used a animal in sex? (Remember feather = kinky, whole chicken = perverted)

    9.What is the fastest you have ever driven on a public road?

    10.Finally have you ever streaked? Where? Did you get caught?

    ...go on then, what are you waiting for?
     
  2. old_fat_and_hairy

    old_fat_and_hairy LE Book Reviewer Reviews Editor

    Not bloody likely! Can be arrested for several of those, and castrated for the rest.
     
  3. Whats perverted with using a chicken?

    Makes for a damn good clucking all round :oops:
     
  4. oops 8O i'm more of a man than a lot of men according to that??
     
  5. Theres a shock....
     
  6. Not deliberately, but I did once have a girlfriend who insisted her dog slept in the same room as us. Once when on the vinegar strokes (highly appropriately doggy-style) I felt the mutt's cold wet nose poking my arrse!
     
  7. Hmmm...I had a similar kitten-related experience, except it used its stupid claws on the fascinating moving object - my rear!
     
  8. 1.What is the most damage you have ever done to another human (Welsh people count for the purpose of this exercise)?

    When 18, hit a large man from Liverpool in the face with a glass and carved his chin and cheek open after he had continually hoofed me around the pool table and had filled in 2 other friends, very nasty man, I had got to the ''f*ck me Im going under here" stage before having a eureka moment. (Stay out of the Dolphin Inn, Springbourne, Bournemouth) :D

    2.What is the most expensive item you have stolen and how much?

    Helped myself to a van and it's load of granite worktops a week after my exam's finished, the lad I was with tapped his nose and said "Ill see you right for this well make a fortune".......He gave me £50

    3.Have you ever committed adultery, sodomy or buggery?

    Yes Yes Yes.

    4.With what??

    Determination, coconut oil and a taxi on speed dial.

    5.What is the most alcohol you have consumed in 24 hours?

    A bottle of Romanov in the afternoon and a steady stream of top shelfers for the next 12 hours in Latvia.

    6. How long were you sick afterwards?

    Well Im the only man I know who has gone home early from a stag do.

    7. What is the largest age difference between you and a sexual partner? Plus or minus?

    22 years plus.

    8.Ever used a animal in sex? (Remember feather = kinky, whole chicken = perverted)

    No but Ive had a staring competition with a scruffy collie whilst defiling a pads wife in bulford.

    9.What is the fastest you have ever driven on a public road?

    No idea, I believe in safe and sustainable highways for all........

    10.Finally have you ever streaked? Where? Did you get caught?

    Crowfoot, steamed through starkers, creamed in on a pavement and straight into the arms of the ROS, skinned knees and elbows an 'all.
     
  9. 1.What is the most damge you have ever done to another human (Welsh people count for the purpose of this exercise)? Perforated cornea. And he's been as good as gold since. And he's Welsh.
    2.What is the most expensive item you have stolen and how much? A marble from Butlins in Minehead on a school trip there when I was 7. I couldn't live with the guilt and threw it in a swimming pool about a minute later. Never stolen anything since.
    3.Have you ever committed adultery, sodomy or buggery? Yes (accidentally), yes (oops), and no.
    4.With what?? Someone else's mostly.
    5.What is the most alcohol you have consumed in 24 hours? Remembrance Sunday 2 years ago in Leicester. I drank 6 pints of stella on an empty stomach, with double scotch chasers in between. That was only over 5 hours, but is probably still the highest average. I'm only 5'4.
    6. How long were you sick afterwards? I was in bed for 3 days unable to stand up without help, and my urine turned black.
    7. What is the largest age difference between you and a sexual partner? Plus or minus? -15 years.
    8.Ever used a animal in sex? (Remember feather = kinky, whole chicken = perverted) Been with the odd beast, if that's what you mean.
    9.What is the fastest you have ever driven on a public road? Less than twice the speed limit.
    10.Finally have you ever streaked? Where? Did you get caught?
    Yep, Reading University Campus and an Oxford Collage. First time was on my bike, not sure who saw, second I hid in the crowd of other naked people. My best friend however, was arrested in the USA for running through the street naked with a pumpkin on her head. I'm afraid I can't top that.
     
  10. For i minute I thought you meant the Dolphin in Kinson, but that was closed down ages ago, must have moved closer to town :D
     
  11. What's the difference between the last two?
     
  12. Charminster road mate, across from the chinese and just down from Blockbusters, booootiful place !! :D
     
  13. [
    10.Finally have you ever streaked? Where? Did you get caught?

    ...go on then, what are you waiting for?[/quote]


    Twickenham High Street just before England Vs Wales; well,it was more Dance of the Flaming Arseholes but great fun nonetheless. From Cabbage Patch to train station and back. Not a great distance but I kept the flame going and beat the opposition! Plod joined in the fun and kept their distance (surprisingly)
     
  14. 1.What is the most damge you have ever done to another human (Welsh people count for the purpose of this exercise)?

    Broken leg, and kneecap. He tried to mug me, self defence.

    2.What is the most expensive item you have stolen and how much?

    Hmm, probably a crappy phone, and it was off an ex-mate. Worth like a fiver, or something. Man, he was Waaaaanka.

    3.Have you ever committed adultery, sodomy or buggery?

    Yup, nope, and er, nope.

    4.With what??

    Some muppets missus. hur.

    5.What is the most alcohol you have consumed in 24 hours?

    13 pints. Ruined.

    6. How long were you sick afterwards?

    Suprisngly, only and hour or two.

    7. What is the largest age difference between you and a sexual partner? Plus or minus?

    Probably -/+ 1 year, max?

    8.Ever used a animal in sex? (Remember feather = kinky, whole chicken = perverted)


    Nope. Sick bastard.

    9.What is the fastest you have ever driven on a public road?

    30. I'm a good boy me. And don't want my license taken off me, i've only just passed. :roll:

    10.Finally have you ever streaked? Where? Did you get caught?

    Nah, went nude swimming though.

    Christ, i look like a jessie from reading all that.
     
  15. Biped

    Biped LE Book Reviewer

    1.What is the most damage you have ever done to another human (Welsh people count for the purpose of this exercise)?

    A number of broken bones and cuts.

    2.What is the most expensive item you have stolen and how much?

    £10k of CCTV equipment - the irony had me chuckling for weeks.

    3.Have you ever committed adultery, sodomy or buggery?

    Adultery . . . hasn't everyone?

    4.With what??

    Another woman.

    5.What is the most alcohol you have consumed in 24 hours?

    8 bottles of red and white wine, home brewed.

    6. How long were you sick afterwards?

    A week.

    7. What is the largest age difference between you and a sexual partner? Plus or minus?

    +25 years

    8.Ever used a animal in sex? (Remember feather = kinky, whole chicken = perverted)

    I'm taking legal advice on this

    9.What is the fastest you have ever driven on a public road?

    155 – limiter stopped play

    10.Finally have you ever streaked? Where? Did you get caught?

    Shagged naked in a holly bush, in a public park, 8ft away from the busy path. Got away with it.