Male shopping !

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Mighty_Blighty, Feb 7, 2007.

Welcome to the Army Rumour Service, ARRSE

The UK's largest and busiest UNofficial military website.

The heart of the site is the forum area, including:

  1. Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or boyfriend along shopping. This letter was recently sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in Oxford:


    Dear Mrs. Murray,


    While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you
    and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics. Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:


    1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking.


    2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.


    3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle.


    4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone,"Code 3" in housewares..... and watched what happened.


    5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.


    6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas stove.


    7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"


    8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.


    9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants
    were.


    10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.


    11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the "Madonna look" using different size funnels.


    12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"


    13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker assumed the foetal position and screamed "NO! NO! It's those voices again."


    And; last, but not least:


    14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here."


    Yours sincerely,
     
  2. Farking stunning PMSL, done the egg timer trick a few times my self with good effect. The tommy-k one is inspired :)
     
  3. Quality!
     
  4. Quality, I wonder if he has ever served :D
    It has given me a few ideas though... Oooo the mrs will regret dragging me shopping again :D
     
  5. That is superb!! Note to self .....get asda back!
     
  6. LMFAO, That is a classic :D
     
  7. Gleaming!!! I'd love to have been around when this was happening!
     
  8. haha, class.
     
  9. Might try it tonight :)
     
  10. Shame they're not a gun retailers or he could admire a nice rifle and ask if there was any varntage points/clock towers/book deposotories
     
  11. arent they for piles?
     
  12. Been watching Full Metal Jacket mate? :)
     
  13. PMSL!!

    Very good, must be an ex/serving squaddie...would love to meet him!
     
  14. Just got to the bottom of this one, another internet urban myth.
    Think they were taken from/inspired by "101 things to do at the wal-mart".

    1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them
    and stranding them at strategic locations.

    2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.

    3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals
    throughout the day.

    4. Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get
    to join in.

    5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the
    spray air fresheners.

    6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.

    7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.

    8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.

    9. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW,
    especially thin narrow aisles.

    10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I
    think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what
    happens.

    11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off
    and turn the volumes to "10".

    12. Play with the automatic doors.

    13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen
    you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid
    embarrassment.

    14. While walking through the clothing department, ask
    yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this junk,
    anyway?"

    15. Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.

    16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're
    taking it for a "test drive."

    17. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about
    five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the
    department.

    18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store
    as your playing field.

    19. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look
    mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!"

    20. Put M&M's on layaway.

    21. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.

    22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll
    only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.

    23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from
    the other aisles.

    24. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

    25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around
    saying,"...I'm Batman. Come, Robin, to the Batcave!"

    26. TP as much of the store as possible.

    27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.

    28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello"
    upside down.

    29. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask,
    "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"

    30. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired
    employees if there are any in stock, i.e., "Do you have any
    Shnerples here?"

    31. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale
    battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.

    32. Take bets on the battle described above.

    33. Hold indoor shopping cart races.

    34. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from
    "Mission: Impossible."

    35. Run up to an employee (preferably a male) while
    squeezing your legs together and practically yell at him " I
    need some tampons!!"

    36. Try on bras in the sewing/fabric department.

    37. Try on bras over top of your clothes.

    38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.

    39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.

    40. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to
    your Twinkies?"

    41. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.

    42. Two words: "Marco Polo."

    43. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet
    food aisle, etc.

    44. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics.

    45. Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the
    restrooms

    46. When someone steps away from their cart to look at
    something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.

    47. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.

    48. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker,
    assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those
    voices again!"

    49. Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.

    50. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and
    relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain
    that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little
    umbrella in it.

    51. While walking around the store, sing in your loudest voice
    possible "sex and candy"

    52. Try putting different pairs of women's panties on your
    head and walk around the store casually.

    53. Leave small sacrifices or gifts in the hands of the
    mannequins.

    54. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.

    55. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run
    between them, yelling, "Red Rover!"

    56. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror
    while you pick your nose.

    57. Set up another battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. G.I. Janes.
    (Red lipstick might give an interesting effect!!!)

    58. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly
    ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act
    as spastic as possible.

    59. While no one's watching quickly switch the men's and
    women's signs on the doors of the rest room.

    60. Fill your cart with boxes of condoms, and watch
    everyone's jaws drop when you attempt to buy them.

    61. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with
    various funnels.

    62. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse
    through, say things like "the fat man walks alone," and scare
    them into believing that the clothes are talking to them

    63. While walking around alone, pretend someone is with you
    and get into a very serious conversation. Ex: The person is
    breaking up with you and you begin crying "How could you
    do this to me? I thought you loved me! I knew there was
    another girl, but I thought I had won. You kissed ME
    darling." Then act as though you are being beaten and fall onto
    the ground screaming and having convulsions.

    64. Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people
    out.

    65. Get a stuffed animal and go to the front of the store and
    begin stroking it lovingly, saying "Good girl, good bessie."

    66. Go over to the shoe department and try on every pair of
    shoes, not putiing one pair back. Take the paper from the
    boxes and throw it in various aisles.

    67. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

    68. In the makeup department, spray yourself with every
    perfume there is, then walk up to a boy who is with another
    girl and start flirting with him in that annoying, ditsy way.
    "hi!!!! (giggle) What's your sign?(giggle)." When the boy
    shows no interest, start hitting on the girl the exact same way.
    "hi!!!! (giggle) What's your sign?(giggle)."

    69. Get boxes of Condoms and randomly put them in peoples
    carts when they don't realize it!

    70. Walk around the perfume department with a bottle of
    super strong perfume and spray people as they walk by. Lean
    in and sniff them then jump back and wave your hand in front
    of your nose and saying "Oh god, your over powering the
    perfume!!"

    71. Hit on the elderly.

    72. Hit on 5 year olds.

    73. In the food aisle, pretend like there's a little bug, slowly
    move your head to the right, then swing your head to the left
    as if your trying to follow it. Slowly lower your head to the
    ground, then start spinning around in circles stomping like
    crazy. Then finally yell out "Yes!!! I got it!!! Wow, that was
    the biggest Cockrouch I've ever seen, i think it was pregnant!!!
    Hey look, there's another one!!!" Then Repeat.

    74. Repeat 73 with a can of bug spray.

    75. Crawl around on the ground and pretend that your a cat.
    Meow when people walk by, rub up against their legs, etc.

    76. Ride around on those electric cars and pretend that your a
    prissy English Man. Say things like "Cheerio, good man." to
    people who walk by. And don't forget to have perfect posture.

    77. Start grunting like Beavis and Butthead while chasing your
    friends up and down aisles trying to run over them with those
    electric cars. Make sure to tell your friends to act like they
    don't know you.

    78. Spend all your money riding on those little rides for
    toddlers. Fit the character; if your on a hoarse, then pretend
    that your a cowboy, etc.. And If a little kid comes over
    wanting to use it, start barking at them until
    they run away crying.

    79. Have silly string fights with a friend. Hide behind
    customers and "accidentally" hit the people instead of your
    friend.

    80. Excesively use anything thing that says "Try Me".

    81. Start pocketing any and all free samples.

    82. Draw mustaches on all the pictures and mannequins.

    82. Walk up to the customer service and when they say
    "Hello, how may I help you?" say "Yes, I'll have a Quarter
    Pounder with cheese, one strawberry shake, a large order of
    french fries and a diet coke." And when they start to talk, say
    "Oh, to go". Then when they say that they can't give it to you
    say "Oh, This is because I'm gay isn't it? I'd expect this from
    Caldors, but not Walmart. People who are gay are just like
    everyone else your know. You digust me" Then walk away
    mumbling to yourself. If your a guy, try to act as valley- girl-
    like as you can

    83. Start to madly scratch yourself and walk up to people
    asking where the rash cream is because your family and all
    your friends seem to have a rash too.

    84. When your alone, have loud conversations with your
    "multiple personalities". Have an English man, a Southern
    person, someone from New York, a Grandma, and a 5 year old
    girl all at the same time. You have to use accents. They should
    sound like this: "Great idea good fellow, we shall have a jolly
    good time.(English)" "Look, oall I wanna do, is wok ta
    Stawbucks and git a cawfee(New York)" Etc.

    85. Start "dancing" like mad. Basically, just wail your arms
    and legs around like your having some kind of massive
    seizure.

    86. Try on crazy costumes and walk casually through the
    store.

    87. Stick your arm in your jacket and suspiciously start to
    leave the store. Get really tense and start to lean over as your
    walking through the doors As if your suspecting the alarms to
    go off. Then when it doesn't go off, let out a big sigh. Then
    quickly look around you to see who's watching and run away
    as fast as your can.

    88. Balance EVERYTHING you see on the tips of your finger,
    your nose, your forehead, and the top of your head while
    singing the circus song.

    89. Put jockstraps in the lingerie department

    90. Put lingerie in the men's department.

    91. Put super sexy lingerie in old men's carts when they turn
    around.

    92. When your alone, start screaming help and yelling that
    someone istrying to rape you. Then when everyone runs over,
    start crying and saying "All I ever wanted was a little
    attention" Then run away crying.

    93. Spend hours staring at a little blinking light. After a while,
    start saying blink everytime it blinks. Don't look away, just
    stay mesmerized.

    94. Walk up to a lady and calmly say "Help me. The voices in
    my head are telling me to do naughty things." Then clap your
    hands over your ears, fly yell head around and start screaming
    "NO!!! I DON'T WANT TO HURT THE NICE LADY NO
    NO NO NO!!!!" Then suddenly stop, look her straight in the
    eyes, and Calmly say "I...will start...a fire..." The pull out a
    zippo and start laughing hysterically in an evil way. But don't
    light the zippo, just hold it closed.

    95. Light a match under a spinkler.

    96. Walk up to someone and say "Oh, so your back for more. I
    warned you never to come back here. Wait here while i go get
    my shot gun". Then walk away.

    97. Walk up to a guy and say "Oh my god, is it you? Oh my
    god it is!!! I haven't seen you in so long!!!!" Then kiss him.
    Then slap and him say "Why didn't you ever call me??" Then
    walk away. Much more affective if you're a guy.

    98. Stand next to a maniquin and pretend that your a
    mannequin. Try to hold the same position for as long as
    possible. Then finally as someone is walking by, check your
    watch and say. "Finally, my shift is done. I really don't get
    paid enough to do this"

    99. Start singing oldies songs in to megaphone.

    100. Act like your about to cry and ask people "Have you seen
    my mommy?"

    101. Steal a Walmart shirt. The possibilities are endless.