Male Beauty Products

#1
Anyone had to deal with a PQ? We had one in the other day, asking for details of soldiers in the West of Scotland using a product called "Avon Skin so Soft" as an alternative to the issue mozzie repellent (we get all the cutting edge issues). It got me wondering that, with male beauty products being thee growth area in the industry and that the modern/younger guys are supposedly more in touch with their feminine side (?) , whether the wearing/using of beauty lotions and potions is prevalent amongst Her Majesties finest?

I have to say that on TELIC,there were a couple of guys who deployed with a large selection of products, from cleansers to moisturisers. It wouldn’t have been so bad if the products had macho names like "Flashmans Saddleskin Cream" (maybe), but Avon Skin so Soft! They were on a hiding to nothing.

PS To maintain the mystique of the SF, I've not mentioned the soldiers involved (I understand though, they have been known to wear women’s tights).
 
#3
SpeckledJim said:
Anyone had to deal with a PQ? We had one in the other day, asking for details of soldiers in the West of Scotland using a product called "Avon Skin so Soft" as an alternative to the issue mozzie repellent (we get all the cutting edge issues). It got my wondering that, with male beauty products being thee growth area in the industry and that the modern/younger guys are supposedly more in touch with their feminine side (?) , whether the wearing/using of beauty lotions and potions is prevalent amongst Her Majesties finest?

I have to say that on TELIC,there were a couple of guys who deployed with a large selection of products, from cleansers to moisturisers. It wouldn’t have been so bad if the products had macho names like "Flashmans Saddleskin Cream" (maybe), but Avon Skin so Soft! They were on a hiding to nothing.

PS To maintain the mystique of the SF, I've not mentioned the soldiers involved (I understand that they have been also known to wear women’s tights).
Crack open a beer, read "Adventures in the Rifle Brigade" and watch "A Bridge Too Far."

Then, the following day, smother yourself in nivea for men and watch "Ultimate Force" and read "One Up."

Which one makes you feel more warry and ready to kill the Queen's enemies?

The only male grooming products you need are a dab of OMD 80 for crotch rot and some canistan thrush cream for "Top-Cover Face"
 
#5
RTFQ said:
The only male grooming products you need are a dab of OMD 80 for crotch rot and some canistan thrush cream for "Top-Cover Face"
Only if you've been mincing it with leather-clad neo-tramps in some dodgy Soho bar.
 
#6
2 Blokes (I use the term loosely) were chatting in the office about after shave balms. They asked me which one I used.

"Cold Water you Poofs".

Apparently, that wasn't the PC thing to say.
 

oldbaldy

LE
Moderator
#7
SpeckledJim said:
Anyone had to deal with a PQ? We had one in the other day, asking for details of soldiers in the West of Scotland using a product called "Avon Skin so Soft" as an alternative to the issue mozzie repellent (we get all the cutting edge issues). It got my wondering that, with male beauty products being thee growth area in the industry and that the modern/younger guys are supposedly more in touch with their feminine side (?) , whether the wearing/using of beauty lotions and potions is prevalent amongst Her Majesties finest?

I have to say that on TELIC,there were a couple of guys who deployed with a large selection of products, from cleansers to moisturisers. It wouldn’t have been so bad if the products had macho names like "Flashmans Saddleskin Cream" (maybe), but Avon Skin so Soft! They were on a hiding to nothing.

PS To maintain the mystique of the SF, I've not mentioned the soldiers involved (I understand that they have been also known to wear women’s tights).
As a walker of many miles in the West Highlands I can vouch Avon Skin so Soft as a repellent for the infamous West Highland Midge. Don't know what they don't like about it. Perhaps the poofy smell. :oops:
 
#8
oldbaldy said:
As a walker of many miles in the West Highlands I can vouch Avon Skin so Soft as a repellent for the infamous West Highland Midge. Don't know what they don't like about it. Perhaps the poofy smell. :oops:
It may have something to do with any citrus-y additives. Midges, like Glasweigans, hate fruit.

Nothwithstanding that fact, Male Beauty Products are wrong.

Men, I implore you: DO NOT LISTEN TO THE GAYS!!!!

One thing no other human being can change about someone else, is their sexuality. I will get a twinge about the thought of Holly Valence in a lollypop lady's uniform until the day I die. I imagine that gay men feel the same about, I dunno, David Blunkett in a viking costume or something. Good on em and that's the way Frith made them. Unfortunately they have perpetuated this myth that men need to rub expensive(...hello? is no-one else thinking what I am) beauty products into their fizzogs via the fashion and cosmetic industries - which they run. Because, get this - it's what women want. I take issue on this on two counts.

1. what the bleeding frigg do gay men know about what women want? Sure, the gay scene is probably just like Will and Grace and they all share their innermost feelings and it's a great 'cosmetics and blowjobs' alliance, like wookies and ewoks versus the baddie stormtroopers (us). i'm sure that women will claim that because of this empathic link, facilitated by how open and caring and in touch with their inner whatnots these men are, they have an insight into What Women Want. The flaw in this argument leads me nicely onto point 2.

2. women don't have the first clue about what they want, beyond a bit of the cheesecake that you're eating. One day they'll fancy a bit of Orlando Broom or whatever, next it's a roughty toughty quickie with a couple of sooty firemen. Not Sooty dressed as a fireman, that'd be weird - real firemen. The day after that it's just a nice big never ending glass of red and leavemethefuckalone. Trying to work out what they want is like asking a paint spattered mong what he's trying to paint - he doesn't know, he's making it up second by second.

For that matter, we all haver hourly over whether we fancy a bit of Jessica Alba besplattered in custard (....breathe RT, breathe), Fiona Bruce sucking her own index finger, that slightly plump one in the Texaco garage with the puma like eyes, even the gwar one out of spider man being tied up by macey gray.

My point is, trying to keep abreast of their latest whim is expensive and demeaning. Deep down, most women, statistically, are more often wanting to wake up to see their man shaving with a bowie knife and a glassful of turps, not exfoliating and...stuff?. And let's face it, if she's the kind of girl who can't handle the fact that you don't want to rub provitamin B-5 (present in semen by the way - they don't tell you that fecker do they?) into your cheeks, then they're certainly not going to be able to handle your beer drinking and musical farting are they?

Pick your nose, set fire to stuff. bang nails in things and be a man. The only time she needs to see your soft side is when you're mercifully ushering spiders from the bedroom to her shrieks of "Kill It!" and when you're ruffling the hair of her nephew with a gruff "Alright sonny?"
 
#9
Apparently, Avon didnt design it as a mozzy rep, it was just oddly serendipitous. A few years ago, our friends at Credenhill discovered how good it was, and bought a shedload to replace the nasty DDT based stuff that makes you blind/infertile/bald, and melts your Aviators.
It does work, but buying it is possibly more embarrasing than asking for "Men only" condoms in a busy high street pharmacy.
 
#11
RTFQ said:
oldbaldy said:
As a walker of many miles in the West Highlands I can vouch Avon Skin so Soft as a repellent for the infamous West Highland Midge. Don't know what they don't like about it. Perhaps the poofy smell. :oops:
It may have something to do with any citrus-y additives. Midges, like Glasweigans, hate fruit.

Nothwithstanding that fact, Male Beauty Products are wrong.

Men, I implore you: DO NOT LISTEN TO THE GAYS!!!!

One thing no other human being can change about someone else, is their sexuality. I will get a twinge about the thought of Holly Valence in a lollypop lady's uniform until the day I die. I imagine that gay men feel the same about, I dunno, David Blunkett in a viking costume or something. Good on em and that's the way Frith made them. Unfortunately they have perpetuated this myth that men need to rub expensive(...hello? is no-one else thinking what I am) beauty products into their fizzogs via the fashion and cosmetic industries - which they run. Because, get this - it's what women want. I take issue on this on two counts.

1. what the bleeding frigg do gay men know about what women want? Sure, the gay scene is probably just like Will and Grace and they all share their innermost feelings and it's a great 'cosmetics and blowjobs' alliance, like wookies and ewoks versus the baddie stormtroopers (us). i'm sure that women will claim that because of this empathic link, facilitated by how open and caring and in touch with their inner whatnots these men are, they have an insight into What Women Want. The flaw in this argument leads me nicely onto point 2.

2. women don't have the first clue about what they want, beyond a bit of the cheesecake that you're eating. One day they'll fancy a bit of Orlando Broom or whatever, next it's a roughty toughty quickie with a couple of sooty firemen. Not Sooty dressed as a fireman, that'd be weird - real firemen. The day after that it's just a nice big never ending glass of red and leavemethefuckalone. Trying to work out what they want is like asking a paint spattered mong what he's trying to paint - he doesn't know, he's making it up second by second.

For that matter, we all haver hourly over whether we fancy a bit of Jessica Alba besplattered in custard (....breathe RT, breathe), Fiona Bruce sucking her own index finger, that slightly plump one in the Texaco garage with the puma like eyes, even the gwar one out of spider man being tied up by macey gray.

My point is, trying to keep abreast of their latest whim is expensive and demeaning. Deep down, most women, statistically, are more often wanting to wake up to see their man shaving with a bowie knife and a glassful of turps, not exfoliating and...stuff?. And let's face it, if she's the kind of girl who can't handle the fact that you don't want to rub provitamin B-5 (present in semen by the way - they don't tell you that fecker do they?) into your cheeks, then they're certainly not going to be able to handle your beer drinking and musical farting are they?

Pick your nose, set fire to stuff. bang nails in things and be a man. The only time she needs to see your soft side is when you're mercifully ushering spiders from the bedroom to her shrieks of "Kill It!" and when you're ruffling the hair of her nephew with a gruff "Alright sonny?"
Now that, sir, is the way to post. LMFAO.
 
#12
SpeckledJim said:
Anyone had to deal with a PQ? We had one in the other day, asking for details of soldiers in the West of Scotland using a product called "Avon Skin so Soft" as an alternative to the issue mozzie repellent (we get all the cutting edge issues). ....................
Don't fret. In this case it isn't a beauty product.
It really is a world renowned 'mozzie repellent' If it makes you feel better, put a skull and cross bones label on your bottle.

Otherwise get over it, and in the lingo of the day, 'man up' :lol:
 
#13
RTFQ said:
like wookies and ewoks versus the baddie stormtroopers (us).
Jesus! What kind of guests do you bring to Ladies' Night?

For that matter, we all haver hourly over whether we fancy a bit of Jessica Alba besplattered in custard (....breathe RT, breathe), Fiona Bruce sucking her own index finger, that slightly plump one in the Texaco garage with the puma like eyes, even the gwar one out of spider man being tied up by macey gray.
With the exception of Macy Gray (whom I wouldn't touch with Christine Hamilton's wanger) I can't say I ever really thought of the bumpy-fronts mentioned above in an either/or context. ( A big yellow American school bus, the Grotto in the Playboy Mansion and a gallon of strawberry syrup, on the other hand, do feature rather heavily in most scenarios though.)

My point is, trying to keep abreast of their latest whim is expensive and demeaning. Deep down, most women, statistically, are more often wanting to wake up to see their man shaving with a bowie knife and a glassful of turps, not exfoliating and...stuff?. And let's face it, if she's the kind of girl who can't handle the fact that you don't want to rub provitamin B-5 (present in semen by the way - they don't tell you that fecker do they?) into your cheeks, then they're certainly not going to be able to handle your beer drinking and musical farting are they?
Agreed. The last thing they want is someone with whom they have to compete for quality time in front of the bathroom mirror. To quote that delectable piece of jailbait in Clueless- Alicia Silverstone- "He does dress better than I do. What would I bring to the relationship?". We like girls because they're pretty. If the chaps started to look pretty also, that wonderful effect that women have on us will be diminished and some of the more vulnerable of our ranks might just end up getting rather confused.
 
#14
RCSignals said:
It really is a world renowned 'mozzie repellent' If it makes you feel better, put a skull and cross bones label on your bottle. Otherwise get over it, and in the lingo of the day, 'man up' :lol:
I think I smell a blackmarket, whoops, home-based business opp here.

It really does work. And yes, we do get a certain sadistic charge out of seeing you men slathering yourselves in it.
 

cpunk

LE
Moderator
#15
Is it just me or do others feel slightly unnerved by the juxtaposition of the words 'male' and 'beauty'? If I'm honest, the closest I get to anything beyond Wright's Coal Tar soap and Colgate toothpaste is the occasional squirt of my wife's expensive shampoo when I can't find my bottle of Sainsbury's economy (also great for dishes!). After Saif Sareea, my wife decided to sort me out, as I'd come home looking particularly spotty and dishevelled, so she booked me in to 'her' hairdressers for a facial treatment. I have to say that I thoroughly enjoyed it, but really only because Cathy, the rather pretty beautician, kept accidentally bumping her breasts into my face while she was squeezing my blackheads and massaging my neck.
 
#16
cpunk said:
Is it just me or do others feel slightly unnerved by the juxtaposition of the words 'male' and 'beauty'? If I'm honest, the closest I get to anything beyond Wright's Coal Tar soap and Colgate toothpaste is the occasional squirt of my wife's expensive shampoo when I can't find my bottle of Sainsbury's economy (also great for dishes!). After Saif Sareea, my wife decided to sort me out, as I'd come home looking particularly spotty and dishevelled, so she booked me in to 'her' hairdressers for a facial treatment. I have to say that I thoroughly enjoyed it, but really only because Cathy, the rather pretty beautician, kept accidentally bumping her breasts into my face while she was squeezing my blackheads and massaging my neck.
It's not just you.

If you like Wright's Coal Tar soap, you should try Coal Ttar shampoo.
 
#17
RCSignals said:
Don't fret. In this case it isn't a beauty product.
It really is a world renowned 'mozzie repellent' If it makes you feel better, put a skull and cross bones label on your bottle.
Right, so thats the QRL sorted, what does everyone else do for their regimental non gay mozzie rep?
 
#18
RCSignals said:
Don't fret. In this case it isn't a beauty product.
It really is a world renowned 'mozzie repellent' If it makes you feel better, put a skull and cross bones label on your bottle.
Right, so thats the QRL sorted, what does everyone else do for their regimental non gay mozzie rep?
 
#19
In the field a quick burst of Lysol spray to keep the athletes foot at bay and when required a dab of issue insect repellent
were usually all one needed . The issue soap that lathered even in sea water was enough to bring a manly glow to one's face and for those special occasions - foot and body powder. For colder dry climes issue Nivea liberally applied to exposed parts sufficed. In camp the QM did a nice line in liquid detergent which doubled up as shampoo and body wash. Oh! and for trapping back home a quick once over with the Blue Gillette and a modest amount of Acqua Di Parma usually did the trick. But then again my face does now look like a dried up wash leather!
 
#20
I had yet more reason to stand agape at the vision of our country sliding in to the toilet the other day. I had reason to be in a certain Chavtown visiting friends. We went into town to get some barbecue rations when we passed yet another beauty parlour, called uglies, whereby I commented on the sheer amount of such establishments and their stunning lack of effect on the local populace.

"Oh that's Big Brother Jade's beauty parlour."
Imagine a man who's just hit in the face by a ping pong ball fired from that limbless woman whose sculpture is in Trafalgar (huzzah!) Square. That's what I looked like.
"Jade Goody? Beauty parlour?"
"That's right, shall we go in and have a look?"

Normally I'd be frantically looking for a maplins or book shop to dive into at this point, or at least fish my phone out and stand outside texting obscenities to my friends while she does her business. But this I had to see. I walked inside expecting to see abhorrations wandering around with arms growing out of their heads or with thousand yard stares from behind spatula-applied make-up, but I was disappointed. The place was decorated the way you'd expect someone from the G W Bush end of the gene pool to decorate it if you made the mistake of giving them the entire pack of crayons on not just the blue and red. The assistants were dressed in some sort of weird pink uniform that managed to somehow suggest that they were both thick and easy. "Would you like to see the menu?" asked one. That threw me, we'd only just had a butty; luckily the lass knew what she was doing and started looking down the treatment options. Now, I can bluff like the very best, I've spent years misdirecting senior officers who ask silly questions like "How many days of supply of hexe blocks can we fit in that ISO?" "Did you get that email?" and "where are you?", but rarely have I seen smoke and mirrors of the like written on that menu. There were half a dozen types of facial, and not one of them was the really fun kind. There were indian head massages - have you seen india? They live in their own filth - reichi pedicures, ginseng this, nail treatment that and something called the ultimate all over body experience. I don't mean to be crude or anything, but if any women are reading this and thinking they're going to find "the ultimate all over body experience" in a bloody glorified hairdressers, then you really need to give lesbianism a go. Or RTFQism for that matter. Anyway, it was a bluff - and it was pricey. The lass bought her mate a facial for her birthday, cutting short my more than reasonable offer to give her a facial (for much less that £40) with a sharp jab to the genitals. Then pinky turned to me: "...and for you sir?"

There I was, a bag of meat in one hand, nursing my gonads. Gobsmacked. Did I look like the kind of bloke who went to beauty parlours (yes, i know)? It turns out that she didn't want to scrape the "clag" from under my toenails and sandpaper the cheesy applique armour around my heels for a tenner. The lass had the cheek to say I was embarrassing as we left! She'd just paid 40 pounds to get her mate's face rubbed! Barmy. Didn't see shamoo either.
 
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