Made oi laaarrff !!

Discussion in 'The Lamp and Sandbag II - The Tall Story Strikes B' started by dazk55, Jun 9, 2006.

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  1. I miss the pure natural humour, one liners & just bloody funny stuff that happened all over, during my time in the mob>>>

    I bloke I used to know..... ex 1 Para, then RAOC MTI.....B*b St**r.

    Some of stuff he used to just come out with was pure comedy, example follows:

    Me, Jacko, Wayne E**is & B*b St**r in Trg Wing at 9 Ord Bn, out of the blue B*b decides to speak (those who don't know him, imagine a slow drawl of a west country accent...)

    "you know what really turns me on lads ?"................................ "the smell of fresh piss on a bale of hay!"

    Stunned silence met this little B*b-ism.

    One week later, OC's weekly "O" Group (Maj K*ng - a star) set out all the seats, with name cards for each attendee, B*b St**r's seat...yep... a bale of hay from the local stables, pure, pure squaddie humour !

    Mind you B*b did sniff it before he sat on it !

    Any more chaps & chapettes....??
  2. '89 I owned a 2 seater Mini van. Stationed in UK, German girlie coming over for weekend. Friday evening I hear Active Edge might be called. Take shreddies, tooth brush, alarm clock and Superman quilt and sleep in back of Mini van at Heathrow that night. Wake early, Mini won't start. Walk to garage, buy new battery, replace, put old battery in back of van, all OK. Have sexy weekend return to camp Sunday evening. No key, room mates out. Slide up window, throw in quilt onto his tweed sofa, climb in, all OK again. That night my quilt dissintegrates. Turns out battery acid spilt on to quilt while in back of Mini.

    Following weekend. Sat in cookhouse with group of lads. Duty armouror (Scoby) walks up and asks. "Can I grab a lift into Aldershot"? I say yes but will have to sit in back of Mini as both front seats taken. In Scoby jumps, trainers, skin tight Ron Hill tracksters and jacket no lower than waist level (classy bloke was Scoby).

    That evening at tea in cookhouse sat with group of lads. Scoby sits down bemused and says. "I don't know what happened, I was walking through Aldershot and suddenly the arse started falling out of my Ron Hills and shreddies".

    Next day room mate says. "My sofa's falling apart".

    Battery acid, I'm a jack twat and never told!
  3. Pal of mine on Range Camp in Tenby, gets lucky down at Owls Night Club (yeah, you know it...) traps off with a nice plump taffy bird.

    Does the bouncy bed thing ! Gets his head down.

    Wakes up, morning glory!, rolls over starts to give her the good news, which is reciprocated, during the act of vigorous copulation (it's always a bit quicker in the morning), he decides to take advantage of her ample bust and gives it some with his mouth and her nipple.

    During the post-jiggy ciggy, he says "here... you pregnant or what?"

    "No, I isn’t, isn't it, why you asking?" replies the female druid, Squaddie says " ‘Cos when I was on yer tit, I got a bit of fluid in me gob", she turns on the light and proceeds with an examination of said, bust, only to find that next to her right nipple, is a big boil, now empty of puss!

    Enjoy !
  4. The subject of this little ditt was an essential element to take into the field. He had so many tatts that we all took turns reading them when the paperbacks had all been consumed. I will refrain from mentioning any tales about "dazk55" (as long as the cash is left in the DLB).
  5. AlienFTM

    AlienFTM LE Book Reviewer

    The SSGT who conducted our Transfer-In Soldier Course at Worthy Down (Sep-Oct 82) told the exact same story about a couple of erm Black Watch IIRC and WRACs in Hong Kong during his time there.
  6. Good to see the military myths have history & longevity though !

    Anyone going to tell the one about the para shooting the farmer's dog in Cyprus then ??

    Or the Squaddie on OC's orders, starts looking under the OC's desk, when asked waht he's doing.....says he's looking for justice, as there's none comming over the top !

    Come on, there's loads ! get 'em on here !
  7. AlienFTM

    AlienFTM LE Book Reviewer

    They're all on the Urban Myths thread. 18 Pages in a sticky thread just above this.
  8. Hi all
    I had to charge a cook, nicknamed "Elvis", for being absent off duty, whilst I was O/Sgt one Sunday night.So, an escort was found, Elvis stuck in the middle and we marched into his C.O.'s office. The CO, a very droll individual, waited until all the boot-stamping and shouting had stopped and the "prisoner's " name read out. He then said, "Ah, the lesser of two Elvis". We all fell about laughing and even dumb ol' Elvis got it. Found guilty, fined a pound, march him out!
    FAI :D