Luck of the Irish

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Goku, Aug 3, 2005.

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  1. Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of
    the night. Mick, the bartender, says "You'll not be drinking any more
    tonight, Paddy".

    Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then".

    Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on
    his face.

    "Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts
    himself off.

    He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his
    face."Shoite, Shoite!"

    He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just
    get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the
    door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and
    takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto
    the pavement.

    He falls flat on his face. "Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked," he

    He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the
    door and shimmies up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.

    He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin' way". But he
    crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the

    He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says
    "Fock this, I gotta stop drinking," and falls into bed.

    The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a
    cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last

    Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you

    "Mick called...... You left your wheelchair at the pub"
  2. PMSL, very good, might have to nick it and send it on
  3. An Irish bloke goes to the doctor and says "Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya wood".

    So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.
    "Incredible," he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here".
    Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, only to see another £10 note appear.
    "This is amazing" exclaims the Doctor "What do you want me to do?.

    "Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out man" shrieks the patient.
    The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and so on...

    Finally the last note comes out and no more appear. "Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter, how moch is dare den?

    The Doctor counts the pile of cash. "£1990 exactly...."

    "Ah, dat'd be roit." says Paddy " I knew I wasn't feeling two grand."
  4. You have both been reported to the race police a squad car will be round soon to lead you away for 10 years of watching the EO & Racial awareness ITD video back to back
  5. This one isn't really an Irish joke...

    Four priests board a train for a long journey to a church council conference. Shortly into the trip, one priest says "Well, we've all worked together for many years, but don't really know one another. I suggest we tell each other one of our sins." They look nervously at each other but nod OK. The first priest says "Since I suggested it, I'll go first. With me it's the drink. Once a year I take off my collar and go out of town to a pub and drink myself blind for a few days. Get it out of my system." They all look each other again nervously, but the next priest slowly starts "Wellll......with me, it's gambling. Periodically, I nick the money out of the poor box and go to the races. Spend it all! I get it out of my system." The third, who is really nervous now reluctantly says "This is very difficult. My sin is worse. I take off my collar and go into the red light district, pick out a lass, and spend a week in the saddle. I REEEEAAALY get it out of my system." They all look at the fourth priest waiting. He doesn't say anything. Then one of the four speaks up "Come now, we've all told our innermost faults. It's your turn." He looks at the others and starts hestitantly "Welllllll..... I'm an inveterate gossip, and I can't wait to get off this train!"
  6. Greengrass...

    I'm Irish so it doesn't apply to me - so get your squad car of catching criminals...

  7. I got an Irish joke...

    An Irish man walks out of a pub..