Love Manchester Style.......

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by tuffy52, Jul 3, 2012.

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  1. Somebody sent me this today,they must have thought that being a Mancunian I would be outraged,however I found it hilarious and true.......

    "As he approached with those pasty white arms hanging out of his Gola vest, his smile told me it was benefit day and I knew my vel...our tracksuit would be hanging off the lamp shade tonight." "It was Dwayne's birthday. I was preparing his special tea of Findus Crispy Pancakes and Pot Noodle. I would let him take me any way he wanted tonight. His favourite position was what he called The Dogs of War. Where he took me from behind and played Call of Duty at the same time." "Our 6 week anniversary was approaching. This would be my longest relationship without becoming pregnant. I thought of this as he lay on top of me making love. His skinny arms straddled my head like breadsticks either side of an orange. As I rubbed his whiter than white back I imagined every mole I felt was spelling out Braille for I love you" "As I stood in line at the Job Centre thinking of reasons I couldn't work, a sweet smell drifted past my pig like nostrils. It was a mixture of weed, B.O and Lynx Africa. I turned around and there was Dwayne. Our eyes met and he was soon lifting me onto the wheelie bins behind the Iceland. He had tied up his Staffy to block the ally way so we wouldn't be disturbed. There was a tramp watching but it just added to the mystery. I knew it was love and my life would never be the same." "My mum had told me to leave Dwayne many times due to the violence but I knew he loved me as he always took his rings off before he hit me. Tonight though he was in a foul mood, I had ****** his tea up after failing to de-frost his prawn ring I had nicked from farm foods. He picked up the power lead from my kids mega drive and whipped it across my doughy ****. It stung but I liked it. I shouted again again so he carried on. I thought my shell suit would rip into a million pieces. As I looked over my shoulder I saw his Weetabix toothed smile. He even had a semi on which rare as the crack normally played havoc with his erections..........
     
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  2. I saw that too. It's supposed to be the chav version of "50 shades of grey" or somesuch.
     
  3. Its a bit dusty in here!!
     
  4. Is this the first chapter of a book? Auld Sapper has competition it would appear.
    Shame there aren't any pictures of the foxy lard-arsed minx...
     
  5. Manchester and style, two words that do not fit together.
     
  6. It was quite quite beautiful in its own innocent savage way, Wayne trying desperately to show the depth of feeling he has for his doting partner while attempting to battle the strains of day to day life on benefits and a diet of stodge, I have no hesitation in nominating a book version of his life story for the Mann Booker, the Turner, and the Nobel Prize for literature, marvelous, wonderful, rhubarb rhubarb rhuba.....................!!!!!