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A woman walks in to a bar and orders a bottle of champagne and two glasses. She pours two glasses, drinks one,
lifts her skirt, pulls the front of her panties out and pours the other glass over her cnut. The barman says "why did you do that?". The woman says " I just won 5 million pound on the lottery, and this is the only cnut that I am sharing it with".
A fella runs in the house and shouts to his wife "pack your bags i've won the pools" she says" what" he says "pack your bags i've won the pools" she says "what do you want me to pack something light something heavy were are we going" he says "just pack them and fuck off"
Bloke gets home from work and says to his missus, ' I fancy a night down the pub, get yer coat on'. His wife says,' your taking me out? Thats nice of you!' Bloke says, 'No, I'm turning the heating off!'
An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman walk into a bar.

Barman says "Is this some kind of joke"


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A priest, A Rabbi and an Imam walk into a bar.

The Priest orders a lager, the Rabbi orders a bitter and the Imam orders a pepsi (no ice).

They proceed to have an interesting theological debate and everyone has a thoroughly good time.


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Grizzly bear walks into a bar and says; "I'll have a pint of ........................ Bitter, please."

Landlord pours his drink and asks; "Why the big Paws."


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Dislexic man walks into a bra.

Lengthy court proceedings follow and he's fied from his place of work for sexual harassment.
A guy walks into a bar with an octopus on his shoulder and tells the bartender that his octopus is a musical genius. I'll bet you £10 he can play any instrument. The bartender pulls out an electric guitar from behind the bar and says, Well lets see him play this guitar. The octopus takes the guitar and starts playing just like Jimi Hendrix. The patron pockets the £10. Next the bartender pulls out a trumpet, the octopus grabs it and his playing would make Dizzie Gillespie proud. ...£10 later Now the bartender pulls out bagpipes from behind the bar and gives them to the octopus. The octopus starts fumbling with them for a moment, and the bartender says I think we stumpted him, he can't play those ! The octopus retorts: Play them ?! As soon as I can figure out how to get these pyjamas off I'm gonna' fuck them !

Murphy walks into the bar orders a pint of Guiness, after taking a liking to the barmaid he says "can I buy you a drink?"
The barmaid says "You've no chance with me love, I'm a lesbian!"
"What's a lesbian?", asks Murphy.
"Well you see that blonde at the end of the bar with the big tits? Well I want to rip her top off and suck her nipples!"
Murphy pauses for a minute and then says, "Fuck Me! I think I'm a lesbian too!!"


The dyslexic alcoholic........drowned in his own vimto....
On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.

The pump attendant, who obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are those?, asks the attendant.

"They're called tees" replies Tiger.

"Well, what on the god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.

"Foo_ kin Jay-sus", says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything."
A scientist has invented a new bra thats prevents nipples sticking out in the cold weather and stops tits jiggling about when she runs....

All his colleges have since kicked fuck out of him.


Book Reviewer
2 blondes walk into a bar......

Stupid bitches, you would have thought one of them would have seen it.
I went into a bar in Liverpool once and asked the barman for a light and bitter, he said "feck off, we don't do cocktails."
A big white horse walks into a bar and orders a whiskey. "Crikey" says the barman "we've got a whiskey named after you". "What? Eric"

You lot are using up all the taxis I've been told there is a 30 minute wait.


Book Reviewer
A coloured bloke walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder,

The barman says "That looks nice, where did you get it?"

The parrot replies "Africa, there are fucking millions there!"
Quasimodo walked into a bar and asked for a scotch, "Bells alright sir" said the barman, "feck off and mind your own business," came the reply.

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