Lord of the Greeny

Discussion in 'Now That's What I Call NAAFI Bar' started by convoy_cock, Jan 1, 2005.

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  1. In the pub last night, a mate of mine knocked out the most awesome grolly I have ever had the privilege of seeing.

    He did let on early in the evening that he had a bit of a chesty cough for a week or two, and was coughing quite a lot. As the night wore on, he regurgitated a couple of pints of respiratory-marzipan, but he was kind and considerate enough to rinse it back into his stomach with a swig of his pint.

    Just before midnight, he had a major coughing fit, which resulted in him depositing his masterpiece on to the floor of the pub. It was horrific. It looked like someone had nicked the digestive system of an otter, sprayed it brown and swung it round their head a few times. I could have sworn it was moving under it’s own power. Most of the crowd recoiled immediately, but a few more of the more scientifically minded, could only marvel at what he’d produced. His consumption for the evening had been exclusively Guinness and Baileys, and it had given his dockyard oyster the complexion of a Caramac in some parts and of Marmite in others, with the more uniform Olive drab forming the main body of the work.

    When the landlord looked over the bar to see what the commotion was, he could only say,

    “Fcuk me, that thing can have it’s own pint pot!”

    Showing social concern, the grolly lobber quickly replied,

    “You better get a shovel quick, Len. As soon as this fcuker dips below body temperature, we’ll need a snowplough to move it.”

    Do any other ARRSE members know of men like this, who should be nominated for the next New Years Honours list.?
  2. Now thats what makes the NAAFI worth returning to.

    The art of hocking up a dockers omlette that can horrify and make people gag isn't one to be taken lightly.

    It takes tecnique and practise to be able to stick a tram to the floor with the linings of your lungs..... I have yet to master the art and am still in practise.

    A pal of mine, has the knack of being able to summons a mixture which looks like a blended frog with added treacle, axle grease and lump of white hard bits.. he then purposely awaits his victim and lets fly with the end product.

    I'm sure Speilberg will call him and offer to use one of the phlegm balls in the sequel to alien.

    His last missile was hocked on a hairdressers window..... driving past later in the day the mighty mass had only dribbled two or three inches... He was gutted he expected it to move upwards.
  3. It takes alot to get my gag reflexes working but just hearing that scraping cough as somebody primes a grolly gets me every time.

    That said i cant help but stand in awe of those select few who have the skill to pass a greb through their nose.

    I last saw this spectacularly demonstrated during a PT effort, 6 mins into the mile and a half and the man mountain in front of me turns his head, pushes his finger against one nostril and gives birth to the biggest blood streaked oyster i have ever had the pleasure of seeing.

    I managed to side step the incomming as it landed on the hand of bloke next to me. I couldnt run for laughing at the panic on his face as tried to shake the snot pastie from his hand as though he was swiping a bee from his bellend.

    Fantastic :D
  4. I don't know if it's connected, but Mucky John OBE as he's now known, has lived alone for the last five years.
  5. Few years ago, I was getting over a very nasty chest cold, coughing up stuff that I never fathomed coming out of the human body.

    "Dick", from the local gun store (and his real name) called to say if I didn't come pick up my order that they had been holding all week, it was getting sold to someone else, so off I go.

    About half way there, I get hungry, but don't feel like stopping. As luck would have it, I spy a half eaten pack of Oreos in the back seat. So I scrap off the ants and scoff them down.

    Get to the gun shop, pick up my stuff and am talking to "Dick", when I get hit with a coughing fit, and let one loose about the size of a brussel sprout, all covered in a film of viscous Oreo slime. I am very proud of the fact that it hit "Dick" center mass.

    For some reason, he's never called again. :?
  6. I've spent the afternoon loitering around old folks homes and the hospital hoping to pick up some sort of viral infection that will give me the edge and give me the ability to hack a grolly up that can breath on its own and posess its own brain.

    I have worked on the hock itself and believe I have managed to put a means in place that will summons stomach lining and lumps from the depths of my innards.

    The volley has never been a problem and am generally a good aim.

    As Cait kindly reminds us there are two means of delivery

    1. The gob
    2. The nostril shot.

    I favour the gob after a particularly nasty incident in the car a few months ago... I opened the window, held the nostril and let fly... on looking in the mirror in the gents an hour later after a meeting I had crusty dried snot all over the shoulder of my suit... This delivery is probably favoured by the septics, no strangers to NDs and Blue of Blues.. maybe green on greens :D
  7. I'd like to nominate my brother for the honors list, or at least for a grolly gong.

    He is the undefeated champion of bogie bungee.

    He could stand on the top step of the little slide at the big park, hock his ringer up through his lungs and slowly release a string of marbled mucus until it was only a cm from the ground.... leaving it suspend there for all to admire its sleek green and white consistancy.

    Then like a dyson on reverse (or MDNs Mum) he would suck the cold, congealed monster back up and swallow it down in oner.

  8. This is THE approved method of blowing one's method during the cycle stage of a triathlon. Not only does it re open your nasal passages for optimum ventilation, it also prevents people from overtaking you :D
    I must admit I once attempted to dismiss a mouthful of infected nastiness which I hacked up out of the window while driving, only to gain a sticky green and yellow face mask, tainted by little gritty pieces of antibiotic capsule. mmmmm...
  9. I tell you who would be the lord of the greeny-
    That bloke off the anti smoking add with lung and throat cancer, imagine the monsters he could bring up. You know the geezer I am talking about, the one where the advert finishes-
    "Ten days later Anthony died. He never got to see his daughter.."
    Personally I think it should have ended-
    "Ten days later Anthony successfully auditioned for the role of Davros in the new Doctor Who series."
  10. I once knew a dude who coughed so hard that the inhale sucked his trousers up his khyber whilst the cough itself was so devasting that it blew a kidney out of his ring so it was left hanging like a buckshee plum.
    Terrible business altogether really.
  11. I know what you mean. The forces generated are astonishing, particularly if a phlegm vacuum is created in the sinuses.

    In these circumstances it is possible for your eyes and hair to fall out whilst hacking up a green-porridge-omelette.
  12. RTFQ


    Good thread. :lol:

    Heres a top tip for those of you about to do any silly training/selection courses involving running a lot with your world in a green handbag on your back and DS shouting for no reason.

    The double barrel.
    If you get critisised for "playing the gray man game" or "not pushing yourself too hard", then here's the solution: at the end of runaways or pacey tabs, blow snot indiscriminately out of bioth nostrils before you get to the finish line/wagons/chief instr. The face pizza will impress the stupid DS (never forget - those who can't, DS) with your b@lls-out effort, especially if you're running back with a straggler. Also helps when the chinless CI comes up for an inane chat, just wipe the slimy mega-gringo tache and fling the remains at his feet. He'll bugger off sharpish and go and talk with any members of the squad from a minority group toot suite.
  13. I suffer badly at the hands of the force..

    When i get the urge to hack one up i have to put my hand on my snatch to stop my uterus blowing like an inner tube.

    Even more embarrasing is being caught out by the force of a stealth sneeze... causing me to lagg my knickers slightly.
  14. Has anyone else ever experienced the "ghost grollie"

    this is when you cough in a public place , and you KNOW something nasty just flew out , but there is no visible trace of it's presence.

    this happened to me on christmas eve ,i was in the pub with my brother at lunchtime , things were filling up with all the people knocking off and having a quick pint before going home , when out of the blue i just coughed hard , now this is one of he key indicators of this phenomena ,no warning raspy rumbles , just a sharp report ...... and then nothing.

    as i searched the inside of my mouth for the monster i knew must be lurking in there , i noticed my brother staring at the bird to my left with a look of shock and awe , then he started rolling up.

    as i followed his gaze my eye was immediately attracted to the stalactite of lung butter which was now wobbling off her elbow , and i to was rendered helpless with fits of laughter. :D

    we then melted into the crowd and watched from afar as everyone who brushed past her got a small piece of the action , to the point where we calculated at least one third of the pub had a portion of my jelly on them.
  15. Some years ago I was on a high profile (RE) diving project. As there was loads of media interest the SMI (WO1) at the time Barry M******** (rest his soul) decided to go down for a dive. After a while he came up (under the glare of the cameras), and was helped up to a spot to be interviewed. As he took his facemask off a large fluorescent green jellyfish was glued under his eye. 8O

    As people started gagging one lad had the presence of mind to hand him a wad of blue towel roll, saying "here sir" and pointing to the glowing mass. SMI says "thanks son" and dabs his wet face dry......completely missing the grolly :oops:

    I'm not sure, but I don't think that piece of footage was used!!