Looks of disgust/disbelief/dismay

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by TaffJ, Jan 15, 2010.

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  1. Having not worn green baggy skin for some years now, every so often a few of us ex-squaddies get together with our families and other friends for various meals, drinks, p1ss-ups.
    After a few drinks we do the usual thing and start on the tales from the past, not usually warries but tales of drunkenness, nakedness, inappropriate places that we have urinated or defecated in or on, items we have liberated from various shopfronts or garages, attractive (?) young ladies that we have squired back to the block and abandoned to their own devices when we had our wicked ways with them.
    We have always found that other than one fella whose wife has been with him since before he joined up and probably could tell better tales than most of us, we get looks of disgust, disbelief or dismay from the other halves or whoever else is within earshot.
    My question is; does anybody else experience these looks when the lamp is swinging and the sandbag is pulled up, the belly is full of p1ss and non Forces, ex or otherwise, are present?
  2. I usually find that the best expressions of incredulity are generated when I tell polite company the story of a bloke I knew when I was serving, whose party piece was being able to stretch his scrotum so it touched both his nipples at the same time. On a really good day he could stretch it to touch his chin, used to do command performances for the Wives Club.
    Another good source of eyebrow-raising stories is the medical world. The first OH worked in a busy A&E Dept & had a wealth of outrageous tales of folk who pitched up with items inserted into orifices etc. & the explanations they had as to how these items got there (they were the funniest bits of all). 8O
  3. It's a different world. Whilst others listened in utter horror, I howled recently at the true story of a lad on R&R from Afghanistan, whose friend had stepped on a small device and had an unbelievably lucky escape except for a couple of small nicks to his wedding tackle. Our hero rapidly sets about giving first aid, fearing the worst, but mightily relieved to discover the opposite. His casualty and their chums were quicker off the mark than he was though and there is now a splendid photograph of the event with him kneeling and holding his mate's todger whilst his mate is grinning, pointing and giving the camera a thumbs up. Humour - the 7th eternal virtue of the British soldier and a complete mystery to outsiders.
  4. Squaddie humour...not a vice..a virtue!
  5. And not appreciated/understood by most on ARRSE :x
  6. I knew a bloke in 3 Para, that could fit a Red billiard ball inside his foreskin!

    Fcuking brilliant!!! :D

    The Girls loved him :D
  7. Is that a huge foreskin or a tiny bell end?
    And why only the red ball? Were the other colours larger?

    Mate of mine used to put his cap badge on his knob by spiking the foreskin with the split pin. He had a permanent hole in though, from when he caught it in his zip years before and it never closed back up. A fact that he concealed from other brave souls when he challenged them to do the same in the pigs bar. Oh their grimacing faces when they shoved the split pin through their foreskin to hang their cap badge on and their faces when he told them how he did it without spilling blood.
    A great party trick. :twisted:
  8. There was a bloke at a midlands rugby club who could do the same with the drinking end of a pint pot!!

    I wasn't impressed as i can engulf a small family car!
  9. If he was gwar, he'd have had to use the green.
  10. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

    Made my day! Thanks.

  11. Every man thinks less of himself for not having been a soldier. So fu ck 'em. Shouldn't be earwigging anyway.
  12. Not the same bloke whose party pice was to get about £3.30 in 10p peices in the same place?
  13. Reminds me of Tpr "Donkey Dick" D****, of appropriately, the Skins. There was once some kind of joint smoker with another NATO Nation.

    The hierarchcy suddenly realised that it had all gone a bit quiet & the troops were gathered in a far corner of the area allocated for the bash. Fearing a punch up was about to break out (IIRC the smoker was with the Germans) a quick recce was done.

    There was no need to worry as it was just Donkey Dick and his other Regiment's big knob champion competing to get the largest number of pfenig bits in their foreskins.

    Just glad I wasn't the barman taking Donkey Dick's money when he came to buy a beer...
  14. Behave yourself...since when has a Bentley Arnage been a small family car?
  15. Actually it isn't usually wives or girlfriends who get bent out of shape...they knew pretty much what they were "buying".

    It is the civilian husband, usually the short git with liberal tendencies. This one believes we are all Vietname-era door gunners, with cribs and pregnant women carved into our butt-stocks. He is usually an avowed christian, though the last Christian thing he did was to pop a fiver in the collection and take a tenner out. He plays racquet, not team, sports and has a huge ego. He believes his company BMW 3-series defines him as a man and hates drinks after Remembrance Sunday church. Goes to Twickenham once a year - no, not the A&N but as a hospitality guest for work. Knows feck all about rugby as this is the only occasion he gets to watch it.
    Can't drink alcohol like us so either stays sober and aloof or tries to keep up, fails, gets very messy and ends up spewing, honking, sh!tting himself - for which he blames...us.

    Often this creature is married to your sister or sister-in-law. (Thankfully mine married a rugby-playing NO.)

    Finally they almost always cause trouble because they get aggressive (see height reference above) but don't understand that for most of us it is soooo much easier to drop the cnut, than engage in nah-nah-de-nah-nah banter.