Longest Fart

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Hitlerwasabitnaughty, May 30, 2006.

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  1. Up to 10 seconds

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  2. 11 to 20 seconds

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  3. 21 to 30 seconds

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  4. 31 to 45 seconds

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  5. 46 to 60 seconds

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  6. so long I deflated and had to pumped up again.

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  1. Well, I have just finished being sat on the throne, at Chez Hitler, where I let rip with the longest fart I have ever done - I estimate it must have been at least 25 seconds long and was almost musical in its expellation. I swear I could hear the cow mooing in mirth as I ejected the gaseous remains of the Beef Barolo I ate last night.

    At the end of it, I have to say, I was almost doubled up with laughter at, this, my proudest effort at emulating, that most august of individuals, Le Petomane. So, let's see, what the longest fart you've ever done? Full details are expected with alacrity.
  2. Don't know if it counts, their was a bit of a malteser poping out at the end
  3. I believe farting is one of the best forms of self-amusement (apart from chucking myself around the room). I often find myself examining the shape and design of different toilets in an attempt to gauge the acoustic qualities.

    However, my longest fart was produced whilst sat at a parents/teacher meeting...The depth and bass brought a huge smile to my face and very sore ribs, as Mrs B2N threw a cracker. Sadly the true nature of my arrse roar was written off to a wooden chair being dragged across the floor. Bugger.

    The smell however couldn't be disguised.
  4. I can't seem to manage farts any longer than about 12 seconds tops.

    However it is my deepest ambition, that before I die, to create a fart with such bass and intensity that it sounds like Louis Armstrong singing 'What a wonderful World'. I'm sure that with practise I will eventually achieve 'Ooooooooh Yeeeeaaaahhh', the effort of which may kill me, but it'll be worth it.
  5. Just tried to fart for ages and time it but ufortunatley a bit of poo has popped out! best waddle off for a minute!
  6. Those wishing to emulate Le Petomane will find that Jerusalem artichokes, which you can now find quite easily in supermarkets, are just the thing to provide a steady supply of effluvious gases. Apparently their flatus-inducing properties were one of the reasons why they became unpopular. I tried some a while back, and farted more or less continuously from about 30 mins after ingestion until the next morning. Next time I expect to be able to rattle out 'On Ilkley Moor Bar t'hat' up to the third verse....
  7. My best fart was without a doubt back when I was at school. Our assembly hall had wooden benches, probably nicked from a church and there we were sat one uneventful morning, heads bowed in prayer when I felt my guts rumbling. (At this point it is probably worth mentioning I had eaten a curry and copious amounts of beer the night before, something I was not accustomed to, and had eaten a full blown fry-up with beans a few hours earlier.) Now, the ominous noises from my gut had my neighbours slightly nervous and trying to supress their laughter when suddenly it erupted.
    The fart was bowel-looseningly deep and resonated on the bench, filling the hall with the sound of my emissions for at least 15 seconds. Sadly before the echo was gone the beautiful noise was interupted by a mixture of howls of laughter from the assembled mass, screams for mercy by those near me and then the piercing roar of the Head, promptly followed by my being frog-marched out of the room by two teachers. The resulting punishment was worth it for the change in the heads expression mid-prayer.
    As I was man-handled out of the room it was gratifying to hear the suppressed laughter and last of all, a paltry effort at imitation from a junior year, who I later learned had followed through in the attempt and left in disgrace.

  8. This last week or so rivals my personal bests for farts. A particular spectacular 'grounds for divorce' fart was in a fancy japanese restaurant SWMBO took me to with the in-laws for my birthday. This place consisted of a series of long wooden benches that sat about ten people in a row and by 'people' read 'stuck up pretentious cnuts who you don't know and who don't appreciate a good cleft slapper'.
    Having spent the last fortnight following my missus' attempt to try to 'improve' my diet with the addition of a varied selection of beans, pulses, fruit and fibre my sphincter was warbling like Ackerbilks oboe reed. A couple of pints of pre-meal Stella and I decided I would risk the Chilli-beef noodle/soup which promptly arrived, all six litres served up in what appeared to be a fruit bowl. At the halfway point things were looking well, until the rumbbling started and the urge to rumpff gripped my lower intestine, completely bypassing my stomach and half my digestive system, A quick inquiry to the waitress as to the location of the gents was met by a rambling pigeon english squark and some random pointing up two flights of stairs.However, confidently relaxing in the comfort afforded to a man who had not passed anything in the past week that didn't have the density of a neutron star, I was sure there was no danger of following through and being surrounded by strangers I unleashed the beast. After a slight asthmatic wheeze and what initially appeared to be Roy Castles last toot, the disappointment was quickly replaced with pride as the Brighouse and Rastrick brass band began striking up. A full bodied bass drum effect shifted into the uphonium section and rattled out of my ar5e so hard my haemarroids slapped up and down onto the wood work like Lisa Riley bungying off the clifton suspension bridge tied to a space hopper, I thought I'd split my ar5e cleft from my notcha right up to the base of my spine. The bass section only lasted for about 5 seconds but was followed by a full five or six seconds of ar5egas escaping like a broken off steam valve. My pride in a 'personal best' was undeminished despite two bruised ribs from the missus, following my demotion of our family by at least three 'castes' in society, and completely unabaited by the evil looks from my sister-in-law (think she was pi55ed off I beat her own personal best) Unfortunately the glory lasted the requisit fifteen minutes before the pain set in and my ar5e was left looking like the brass section of the roman army band after Hannibals elephants had stampeded into it.
  9. A good fart, like a good film, requires three acts, character, conflict and resolution..
  10. Can't remember how long my all time lenghty bum burp lasted but it was a time that had first started seeing an ex and we had been down the pub all night. Like a poncey fecker I held in my rectul gas for hours well was in bed. After getting quite severe pains in my stomach I snuk off to the bog to release it, thinking the ex was asleep. Trying to slowly release bit of a gas at a time I tightened my ring piece but no such luck my arrsehole exploded into a roar for literally a couple of minutes with abit of splatter added. Obviously got into bed and the ex had heard the rooooaaaaaarrrrr
  11. Not the longest ever fart but a fond farting memory..

    On ex in Kenya and most of my Company were suffering from various African belly complaints - at one point dress in harbour area was boots, webbing and rifle because the blokes were literally shit*ng all over themselves. So, we go out to do a Platoon night ambush, I'm on radio stag and a few hours later the boss who is next to me is having a sly gonk. Out of nowhere I let rip an arrse cough so loud that the boss wakes up flapping at the noise and starts putting down rounds initiating the ambush. At the debrief the DS want to know what the fcuk happened and the one pip nig is blubbering about malicious farting FFS! Funniest night of my life.
  12. For my sins, wedding night (marriage number 2, first was a practice). Lots of asti-spumante, newcastle, guiness, food. Getting ready for the nuptuals, Im in the bog making sure the takle etc is fit for inspection. Started off with a 1 sec fart, nice, crisp and with a delicate bouquet. Liking the feeling of the first I squeeze out another one, but it just kept going and going and going. Gone was the delightful bouquet, replaced now with something akin to rotten cabbage. Im trying like fcuk to get rid of the stench with the hotel hairdryer, deoderant spray and waving my free hand around with more than gay abandon. Finally satisfied that I had deoderised the whole of the 5th floor of the hotel, I turn out the bog light and nonchalantly walk into see my missus, lying there tears streaming down her face trying to hold her laugh in. All she could say was "Ive p1ssed myself". We never talked of that night again, until the divorce 7 years later.
  13. Does it count if there is animal assistance? Before anyone starts suggesting Mr Gere/rodent allegations allow me to explain further..

    One morning, following a night of prawn curry and Theakstons old peculiar (thats a kind of beer for the ill educated heathens amongst us and not some bloke in a public lavatory) I had the urge to fart, or was it going to be poo? undecided I lay there for what seemed like hours, till the dog decided that he needed to go out. He pounced up onto the bed, landing with all the delicacy of Anya in a deep sea diving suit, onto my abdomen. I folded into a 'V' shape, when my arrse released a good 30 seconds of possibly the most hideous sounding fart I have ever produced. I was fortunate that I didn't follow through, though did have to check that I hadn't let any of my gut escape.
    The smell was undescribable, it made my eyes water and the dog ran off. I also ended up having to wash the duvet
  14. It has to be said that pregnancy farts are some of the best ever and if your lucky enough to get the iron tablets after, well the length, depth of sound and smell can rival anything.

  15. Some observations from my trouser typhoon career

    The thunder clap (not long, but loud!)
    This is my preferred specialty and my goal is to set off the alarm on next door's ford focus with the blast wave 8)

    Performed late, in the small hours from the beneath the duvet, and once Mrs FB is sound asleep. Deemed successful if the Mrs jumps out of bed in shock and starts to dig a fox hole. 8O

    Best performed in summer so with the window open the neighbours can receive full notice, also If performed well known to stop foxes barking and the neighbour's dog to start to howl. :D

    I have found resonance is assisted if one places your cheeks firmly against a closed door. On a good attempt the hinges rattle in time.

    Use is made of the old man's special batch of home made red hot pickled onions best consumed before retiring to bed. 8O

    Warning :!:
    like all good things nothing comes of trying too hard and if you are not careful mud may be drawn from the well.

    Satisfaction from a job well done far outweighs the several days of scorn, evil looks and silent treatment from the Mrs. :D