Long River, Short Fish..........

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Banker, Feb 2, 2010.

Welcome to the Army Rumour Service, ARRSE

The UK's largest and busiest UNofficial military website.

The heart of the site is the forum area, including:

  1. Doris wants sprogs! Late out of the gate, but who am I to argue?

    Feck says I, there goes my life of well planned P&Q. So, bosh-bosh, nothing doing. Bosh again, still no result. Your fault says I, bowlarks says she....we're going to the doctor.

    So, off we go to the IVF clinic. Typical Chelsea "doctor", more interested in lunch than doctoring. She started quoting success statistics....big mistake given my day job. I interrogated her on the distribution of the data set and she glazed over and began gibbering. Me telling her she was talking horse-kok didn't go down well...........nor with Doris come to that.

    Anyway, point of the post is to share my experience with "That Test". To be honest, I was quite looking forward to it. Chance for a cheeky morning shuffle after eyeballing the MILFs in the waiting room........lovely.

    So, there I am, endorphins pumping after doing the necessary and I get my knob stuck in the specimen jar. Wouldn't come out for love nor money. So, being ex-Army, I figure out a cunnng plan.

    With trousers around my ankles, I reached for the only man-on-man mag in the room, figuring that the sight of 'em at it would make the old fella shrink and so escape the jar.

    Plan is going swimmingly, I'm thrashing away, making sure the "Banker Juice" stays in the jar........when..........in walks the nurse to ask me if I'm finished.

    She looked at the "reading matter", shrugged, and said......."don't worry, I've seen it all before".

    What could I do............ 8O

    Am I the only one to suffer this ignominy?
  2. Of course you are, the rest of us can score in an open goal.

    You're a jaffa, but no great loss as you're clearly a fan of Arsenal as well.
  3. udipur

    udipur LE Book Reviewer

    I've heard some excuses in my time...
  4. "Does this conclude the case for the defence sir Archibald?"

    "Erm..yes your lordship..."
  5. Thats the most long winded out-climbing of the closet oi ever did hear.
  6. They have a few spare in Haiti at the moment.Could you go and buy one of those?
  7. Yes going cheap. I bet that Madonna is kicking herself!
  8. Better still do what the Septics did and try to "borrow" them
  9. Porridge_gun

    Porridge_gun LE Good Egg (charities)

    So in reality you got caught shagging a jam jar whilst viewing homo porn?

    For what its worth, you are too old for more kids :D
  10. Why on EARTH would they have homo-porn in a fertility clinic? Admit it....you took your own didn't you!!
  11. I'm afraid mine wouldn't fit into the end of a specimen jar in the first place.

    What was the P factor in her statistical analysis and was it significant?

    PS I shall now no longer call bankers tossers as that is clearly an accolade you are unworthy of.
  12. Honestly, it was an innocent mistake, a cunning plan gone wrong.................would I lie to you? Trust me, I'm a banker.

    In all seriousness, the porn "collection" was something to behold. Not since stumbling drunk into a QARANC mess bash have I witnessed a greater accumulation of minging goppers laid out before me. Absolute bottom-shelf saddle-baggery. Ended up using an iphone to tap into their wireless and hitting the web.

    Moving on (please), any views on whether children at 44 years old is a great idea?
  13. Well if you get to retire at 65 you can share the party with their 21st :lol:

    Crack on m8 just makes sure they don't pop out a different colour to yourself.
  14. Biped

    Biped LE Book Reviewer

    I asked my missus to drop mine at 35 for me, and it's great three years down the road. Lots of fun being a dad.

    On the other hand, you could adopt a small brown baby from Africa, seeing as you're a banker, a homo AND a jaffa. :policecap:
  15. 65? Are you fooking nuts.........I'll be sipping gin by the pool at 50.