....here's to making the Olympics our own..... The people of East London have been successful in their bid to host the 2012 Olympics. However, there has been a request that some of the events and traditions are modified in order to give the locals a greater chance of winning medals. The International Olympic Committee is therefore being asked to consider establishing the Olympic Village in Barking. Showers will be in full working order as soon as the copper piping is brought back, but arrangements have been made if necessary, to use Dagenham Common Lake. The use of drugs will be closely monitored. A spokesperson said that drugs would be available only from the local Community Centre. Asked about urine samples, the spokesperson said that no one takes the piss out of the local lads and offered to take the researcher outside. The Olympic Flame will also be slightly different. The lighting ceremony will go ahead in the time-honoured tradition of torching a Ford Escort XR3i. Proposals have been put forward concerning rule changes in the following events: - 1. The 100-metre sprint: - Athletes must complete the course in Barking High street with a video recorder under one arm and a microwave under the other. After 20 metres a Police Dog will be released in each lane. 2. Fencing: - The protective mesh face will be removed and replaced with a black ski mask according to local custom. Athletes will then be asked to dispose of a selection of antiques, electrical goods, watches, mountain bikes and car radios in the shortest possible time. 3. Boxing: - This event will be restricted to husband and wife teams and the finals will be held in the community centre on Saturday night. The husband must down at least 12 pints in the Engineer Arms before encountering his wife, where she will announce one of the following: - (a) There's fark all for your tea. (b) The telly's been repossessed. (c) Our Tracey's up the stick. (d) I'm up the stick. (e) The woman up the road is up the stick and she says it's yours. 4. Triple Jump: - This will revert to its old name of Hop, Skip and Jump and will be sponsored by H.M. Prison Service. Medals will be awarded to competitors who find the most ingenious way of jumping bail. 5. Tug of War: - Chains will be fixed to one of the cash point machines at the BP in Lower Dagenham and the winning team will be the ones who can haul it out the quickest. 6. Equestrian Event: - Horses, ponies, donkeys and assorted nags can be collected from the fields behind Upton Park and medals will be awarded for tethering them in the most unusual places. 7. Shot Putt: - House bricks will be thrown from various distances at suitable plate glass windows, especially the chemists, the newsagents or at any vehicles in the hospital car park. 8. Walking: - Athletes must be accompanied by a Pit Bull Terrier, Doberman, German shepherd or Whippet. Ferrets and pushchairs do not count. 9. Cycling: - The Committee are unanimous in their ruling that tandems are for poofs, but most cycles will accommodate two as long as they have stunt pegs, no brakes or lights and are ridden on public footpaths. They must be mountain bikes and they must have spent at least a week in the River Thames. The Committee is confident that sufficient funds can be found to stage such a major international event and looks forward to the true spirit of the Games flourishing in this little part of London. They urge the I.O.C. to consider this application in the light of that tried and tested local saying: It's not the taking part that counts; IT'S THE TAKING APART!!