Lockdown Tips

Boris_Johnson

ADC
Moderator
DirtyBAT
Since I live on my own, the little contact I've had with other people has been at 2 metres on the odd occasion I've ventured out to the shop, or sat at my desk in a virtually empty office when I'm unable to work from home.

As I've found more spare time on my hands, the fact I'm having to charge my phone up 2 or 3 times a day tells its own story. You only have to look at the BBC front page, Facebook, Twitter, even ARRSE "What's New" to see that almost everyone with Internet access is using their time to propagate the Covid 19 hysteria. From false news featuring miracle cures, to "copy and paste this bollocks" to some downright funnies, political point scoring, "what about me?" posts... honestly, reading some of the reaction to the government's bail out plans is like the Diamond Jubilee medal threads of old on here...

Despite this, I've managed to employ my own perception filter of sorts, and used my time in a slightly different way...

Over the last couple of weeks I've been posting "Lockdown tips" on my FaceAche page. I usually post very little, but my thinking is that people are getting a bit fed up with outrage posts about shit-roll, throwing fresh food away, videos of each other clapping louder than their neighbours at 8pm on a Thursday evening, conspiracy theories and whatnot. Sure there's enough of it on here.

Anyway, here's what I've come up with so far. Some funny, some factual, some culinary... Feel free to add your own.
 

Boris_Johnson

ADC
Moderator
DirtyBAT
Lockdown tips #23

If you live near a European shop, get yourself some of this Mustarda. It's basically beer mustard hence the shape of the jar. Smear it over a freshly cooked king sized Bratty, serve with crusty bread and oodles of real butter.

You can thank me later :thumright:

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Boris_Johnson

ADC
Moderator
DirtyBAT
Lockdown tips #17

Find the Monopoly set, throw it in the bin.

Now.

You can thank me later :thumright:
 

Boris_Johnson

ADC
Moderator
DirtyBAT
Lockdown tips #8

Plan a "cinema night" by buying two quids worth of sweets, giving the shop attendant a £20 note and telling them to keep the change, fill a bucket with ice, throw in a straw and a dash of coke and sit closer to the TV making sure at least one of you sits behind. The reason for this is to kick the back of the chair every 2 minutes.

Before you stick your new DVD in, you must watch at least an hour of shitty adverts first. Finally when the film starts, each take it in turns to rustle packets and cough during the best bits.

When it's all over, all make a dash to queue for the bathroom, but remembering to only use 3 sheets, one up, one down, one polish. The days of spinning that bog roll like you're on the Wheel of Fortune are over my friends, there's a war on out there.

Stay safe peeps.

Oh, and you can thank me later :thumright:
 

Boris_Johnson

ADC
Moderator
DirtyBAT
Lockdown tips #14

Now that we're relying on our smartphones more than ever, save battery life by disabling apps no longer required during these tough, restrictive times.

1. Maps - obviously

2. Wetherspoons App - it's day 3 (it was, when I originally wrote this) of lockdown, so most people should be just about back from the toilet by now...

3. Find my iPhone** - I'll save you the bother; your daughter is in her room, listening to music and not tidying it despite repeated requests. Your son is hanging out of his bedroom window using a belt as a makeshift abseiling rope. Your partner is sat on the Sky remote curiously staring at the TV wondering why it's changing channels by itself, and you are probably reading this from the garden shed slowly rocking back and forth, wondering how deep the flower bed can be dug.

**not that pets have iPhones but in case your curious, the dog is currently hiding under the kitchen table praying not to be walked for the 5th time in one day, and the cat is laying a cable in your freshly dug flower bed ready to punish you with a nasty "treat" should you decide to bury them all.

Turn them off, save power, save bog roll :tp:

You can thank me later :thumright:
 
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Boris_Johnson

ADC
Moderator
DirtyBAT
Lockdown tips #21

If you are caught venturing outside by the local filth, ensure a swift and trouble-free encounter by insisting that they should be out there "catching the real criminals".

Feel free to ad lib a little casual racism to ensure mutual chuckles all round, before parting ways and resuming your 7th walk of the day.

You can thank me later :thumright:
 

Boris_Johnson

ADC
Moderator
DirtyBAT
Lockdown tips #9

During these tough, uncertain times, should your neighbour / friend / family member furnish you with a bottle of brandy, pretend you're in Cyprus by cranking the heating up to 32°C, buying some "Sours" essentials, err... Driving on the left side of the road and, err, living near an Army camp.

You can thank me later :thumright:

PS Yes I know it's not "Cypriot lemon" squash, but needs must :drunken:

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Boris_Johnson

ADC
Moderator
DirtyBAT
Lockdown tips #15

Missing your KFC fix? Not to worry. I'm here to help you recreate that Fillet Tower Meal experience.

Before you begin, you must ensure nobody has cleaned your toilet for at least a week, and the bin is overflowing with used tissues. Dots of blood here on there on the odd tissue wouldn't go a miss either. Ensure you're out of hand soap (shouldn't be too difficult, given the current status quo). Give your partner a headset and ask them to shout back everything you say to them 3 times louder. Don't let them smile at you, or it will ruin the experience.

Step 1, make sure you have all the right stuff. Buns, ketchup, mayo (has to be Heinz), lettuce, cheese-possessed, hash browns and Southern fried chicken, fresh, spicy, frozen, whatever.

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Step 2, feel free to throw some fries in the oven to go with it, and if you're digging the whole meal experience, fill an entire glass with ice and add a dash of your favourite carbonated drink, watered down for extra authenticity.

Step 3, once everything's cooked, meticulously layer each part of your chicken tower. Bread, ketchup, chicken, two slices of cheese, hash brown, mayo, lettuce, then that final layer of bread.

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Step 4, once you have lined up everything carefully, first pull one of the cheese slices out about halfway. This is to ensure you lose half of it when it sticks to the paper. Then, in one sweeping motion, thump your fist on it to smash the burger, ensuring it looks nothing like the picture (shown below).

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Step 5, wrap up, then unwrap once the cheese has glued itself to the paper, stick on Channel 5 which is bound to have a program featuring benefit scroungers swearing at one another - this will aid in recreating the KFC dining experience. Enjoy.

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Step 5 (alternative}, for those of you who prefer the drive thru experience, carry out steps 1-4 as explained but instead of sitting down, get in your car, drive to a beautiful spot in the country, being sure to dump your rubbish approximately 1 metre away from the nearest bin.

You can thank me later :thumright:
 

Boris_Johnson

ADC
Moderator
DirtyBAT
Lockdown tips #7

Working from home? Not to worry... I'm on hand to help you feel like you never left the office.

Firstly, even though it's bright enough, turn on all the lights in the house (if you live with teenagers, this shouldn't be a problem). In a twist of irony, stick "energy saving stickers" next to all the switches you've just turned on for no apparent reason.

Making a cup of tea / coffee, ensure you leave a fresh splatter of liquid, along with some stray coffee and sugar granules on the canteen / kitchen worktop. Leave to set hard, before coming back and complaining about "the dirty bastards who wouldn't leave their own house in such a state". Wherever you take your brew next, be sure to tip a little out along the way in a sort of Hansel & Grettel trail of spillage to follow.

When the time comes to crimp one off, be sure to wait until you're not on a break. Although remember the toilet roll is not free on this occasion, which is fine because the idea at this point is to leave as much mess as possible. Sit slightly forward on the seat ensuring maximum skid marks in the bowl, which magically clean themselves, you know...

Turn normal convo into buzzword speak every time. If the other half asks what you fancy for dinner tonight, don't say "steak". Instead, have a meeting (that could easily have been done by email) and suggest you "stir fry some ideas in the wok of strategy". Replace the word "routine" with the phrase "turn of the handle" and don't forget to log anything your partner says as "evidence" in your personal diary should the need arise. Above all, never ever answer the actual question. Instead say "I'll get back to you" or "let's revisit that", ensuring you never do.

Download a virus to ensure your brand new laptop runs like a tortoise on weed. Make sure you spend at least half the day trying to get it to "find" the printer that's sat in full view right next to it. Make sure the printer is out of paper when you eventually get it to work. Same goes for staples etc.

Don't fantasise about killing your boss on this occasion. You might want to achieve congenital unpleasantness with it later... just to step out of role for a second there.

Finally, on your way back home from the spare bedroom to the lounge, remark to anyone who's there what a busy day you've had, safe in the knowledge you've spent most of it on Amazon, eBay, in your car, hiding in stationery cupboards... Sleeping.

You can thank me later :thumright:
 
Lockdown tips #9

Become the defender of the neighbourhood you were meant to be, and go for a walk around outside taking photos of anyone outside their house and post it to Faceache demanding these people be strung up from the highest yardarms for breaking quarantine.

You can thank me later
 
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Lockdown tip #gazzilion and 1

Buy some of these to go with your beer mustard though the senf the have is v nice - check to see if they can deliver frozen though. Their bratties are lush.
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@Tedsson has volunteered to conduct hands on research into claims self pleasuring boosts your immune systems resistance to viral infections
 
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Auld-Yin

ADC
Kit Reviewer
Book Reviewer
Reviews Editor
Lockdown tips #17

Find the Monopoly set, throw it in the bin.

Now.

You can thank me later :thumright:
From somebody living on their own? Why on earth would you have a Monopoly set?

As an aside and nothing to do with Covid-19, my mother banned all board games in our house. She had five sons and every game ended in a fight so no games allowed. Even Snap was changed, we were allowed to play it but could not claim "SNAP" for the simple reason is that each Snap led to a fight. (You can see a pattern here.) The person laying the Snap card just picked up the cards. Boring but sensible on my Mum's part. 4' 11.5" in height and well able to deal with five strapping lads.
 

Boris_Johnson

ADC
Moderator
DirtyBAT
Errm - you live on your own: wt very f are you doing admitting to owning a Monopoly set?

you're ******* weird, you are . . . :cool:
From somebody living on their own? Why on earth would you have a Monopoly set?

As an aside and nothing to do with Covid-19, my mother banned all board games in our house. She had five sons and every game ended in a fight so no games allowed. Even Snap was changed, we were allowed to play it but could not claim "SNAP" for the simple reason is that each Snap led to a fight. (You can see a pattern here.) The person laying the Snap card just picked up the cards. Boring but sensible on my Mum's part. 4' 11.5" in height and well able to deal with five strapping lads.
I didn't Always live on my own you know....

And besides, despite this, I do actually have people come over every once in a while... You know, like normal folk?

The Monopoly set is there in case I accidentally befriend a bell-end, we can play Monopoly to ensure he/she never darkens my doorstep again.

Ahem, the real reason is because it's an original set with wooden houses and I read somewhere it's worth a fortune, apparently.
 
Lockdown tips #9

During these tough, uncertain times, should your neighbour / friend / family member furnish you with a bottle of brandy, pretend you're in Cyprus by cranking the heating up to 32°C, buying some "Sours" essentials, err... Driving on the left side of the road and, err, living near an Army camp.

You can thank me later :thumright:

PS Yes I know it's not "Cypriot lemon" squash, but needs must :drunken:

View attachment 462512
Good to see soda water there.

Just saying like: KEAN LEMON SQUASH 1ltr, 1x12x1ltr – Marathon Foods
 
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