THE BID We have recently received secret documentation regarding Liverpool making a shock bid to host the year 2016 Olympic Games. In an attempt to influence the members of the International Olympic committee on their choice of venue for the games in the year 2016, the organisers of Liverpool's bid have already drawn up an itinerary and schedule of their own details which are listed below. Opening Ceremony A petrol bomb, thrown into the arena by a native of the Toxteth area, wearing the traditional costume of balaclava and shellsuit will ignite the Olympic flame. The Events - In previous Olympics, Liverpool's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of the local athletes. 100 Meters Sprint Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and a microwave oven (one under each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol a police dog will be released 10 metres behind the athletes. 110 Metres Hurdles As above but with added obstacles, i.e. car bonnets, hedges, gardens, fences, walls etc. Hammer The competitors are allowed the choice of hammer (Claw, Sledge etc.). The winner will be the one who can cause the most grievous bodily harm to members of the public within their allotted time. Weightlifting As for hammer and, in addition, competitors will then use the hammer to remove cashpoint machines from a town centre and carry them unaided to their getaway van. Fencing Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen jewellery as possible within 5 minutes. Shooting A series of targets will be set up to establish the competitor's ability over a range of disciplines. The targets are to be as follows: A Moving Police Van A Post Office Clerk A Bank Teller or Securicor Driver The next door neighbour's youngest child The Local Vicar NB the 4th target to be followed by the ritual cry of I thought he was a 'Bizzy', or, He pulled a knife on me. Boxing Entry to be restricted to husband and wife teams and will take place on every Friday and Saturday night of the games. The husband will be given 15 pints of Stella and the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence. Cycling Time Trials Competitors will be asked to break into the Liverpool University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike, owned by some Mummy's Boy from the country on his first trip away from home, against the clock. Cycling Pursuit As above, however, this time the break in must occur at the Liverpool Police Station and must be witnessed by an officer. Time Trial The competitor who can waste the most of the courts valuable time before being found guilty will be judged the winner. Modern Pentathlon Amended to include mugging, breaking and entry, flashing, joyriding and arson. Men's 50km Walk Q. Why does the Mersey run through Liverpool? A. Because if it walked, it would get mugged. Therefore for safety reasons, this event has been cancelled. Relay Each of the four competitors to remove an appliance of their choice from a house in Cheshire and get it back to Liverpool using at least four different stolen cars. Archery Each competitor will be given 3 needles, the winner will be the person who gets nearest to three different main veins in their own body. Discus Will be decided by which contestant can get a hubcap off a car and throw it to his mate in the fastest time. In addition the following exhibition events designed at promoting the local culture will be introduced. Closing Ceremony In an attempt to capture the timeless beauty of Liverpool, competitors will be chased across Stanley Park by Knife-wielding locals. They will then scatter to the four corners of the City to find their car aerial ripped off, driver's window broken and stereo liberated, with no sign of the lad who charged two quid to look after their motor. Their assailants will return to the park providing a riot of colour and sound as their shellsuits converge. The Olympic Flame (if still in place) will be extinguished by eight Scallys forming a circle and urinating on it. The closing speech will consist of the words everyone in Liverpool's a natural comedian you know and no one will laugh. Each visitor will be hugged on exiting the stadium and will return home to find their wallet missing.