Liverpool To Bid For The 2016 Olympics

Discussion in 'The ARRSE Hole' started by A_Knocker_Till_The_End, Aug 9, 2006.

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  1. THE BID

    We have recently received secret documentation regarding Liverpool making a shock bid to host the year 2016 Olympic Games. In an attempt to influence the members of the International Olympic committee on their choice of venue for the games in the year 2016, the organisers of Liverpool's bid have already drawn up an itinerary and schedule of their own details which are listed below.

    Opening Ceremony

    A petrol bomb, thrown into the arena by a native of the Toxteth area, wearing the traditional costume of balaclava and shellsuit will ignite the Olympic flame.

    The Events - In previous Olympics, Liverpool's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of the local athletes.

    100 Meters Sprint

    Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and a microwave oven (one under each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol a police dog will be released 10 metres behind the athletes.

    110 Metres Hurdles

    As above but with added obstacles, i.e. car bonnets, hedges, gardens, fences, walls etc.


    The competitors are allowed the choice of hammer (Claw, Sledge etc.). The winner will be the one who can cause the most grievous bodily harm to members of the public within their allotted time.


    As for hammer and, in addition, competitors will then use the hammer to remove cashpoint machines from a town centre and carry them unaided to their getaway van.


    Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen jewellery as possible within 5 minutes.


    A series of targets will be set up to establish the competitor's ability over a range of disciplines.

    The targets are to be as follows:

    A Moving Police Van
    A Post Office Clerk
    A Bank Teller or Securicor Driver
    The next door neighbour's youngest child
    The Local Vicar
    NB the 4th target to be followed by the ritual cry of I thought he was a 'Bizzy',
    or, He pulled a knife on me.


    Entry to be restricted to husband and wife teams and will take place on every Friday and Saturday night of the games. The husband will be given 15 pints of Stella and the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.

    Cycling Time Trials

    Competitors will be asked to break into the Liverpool University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike, owned by some Mummy's Boy from the country on his first trip away from home, against the clock.

    Cycling Pursuit

    As above, however, this time the break in must occur at the Liverpool Police Station and must be witnessed by an officer.

    Time Trial

    The competitor who can waste the most of the courts valuable time before being found guilty will be judged the winner.

    Modern Pentathlon
    Amended to include mugging, breaking and entry, flashing, joyriding and arson.

    Men's 50km Walk

    Q. Why does the Mersey run through Liverpool?
    A. Because if it walked, it would get mugged.

    Therefore for safety reasons, this event has been cancelled.


    Each of the four competitors to remove an appliance of their choice from a house in Cheshire and get it back to Liverpool using at least four different stolen cars.


    Each competitor will be given 3 needles, the winner will be the person who gets nearest to three different main veins in their own body.


    Will be decided by which contestant can get a hubcap off a car and throw it to his mate in the fastest time.

    In addition the following exhibition events designed at promoting the local culture will be introduced.

    Closing Ceremony

    In an attempt to capture the timeless beauty of Liverpool, competitors will be chased across Stanley Park by Knife-wielding locals. They will then scatter to the four corners of the City to find their car aerial ripped off, driver's window broken and stereo liberated, with no sign of the lad who charged two quid to look after their motor. Their assailants will return to the park providing a riot of colour and sound as their shellsuits converge. The Olympic Flame (if still in place) will be extinguished by eight Scallys forming a circle and urinating on it. The closing speech will consist of the words everyone in Liverpool's a natural comedian you know and no one will laugh. Each visitor will be hugged on exiting the stadium and will return home to find their wallet missing.
  2. Tell you what, I remember when that was funny, I must be getting old.
  3. I was watching a documentary about Howard Carter's exhumation of King Tut's burial chamber the other night. It was brilliant, he described the opening of the sarcophagus,

    "As a pinprick of light illuminated the boy king's face, myself and four strong bearers used all our strength to move the lid but one inch. With a final combined push, we edged it enough so that the first air in nearly three thousand years escaped from his resting place. A draft blew by my face, and I shouted to one of the bearers, "What was that?" He replied in a voice quivering with fear, "I think it was that joke about the Scousers holding the Olympics, effendi"
  4. Some people (some very very very old people) can still remember when Knocker was funny :D :D
  5. scouser then fella :?: :?: :?: :?:
  6. Don't knock it Knocker,unless you've lived there.

    Not once since comming here ten years ago have I or my family been burgled,car robbed, ect ect, not saying it doesn't happen, but there is worse places to live in Britain, especially down suurrff.

  7. feck me....................... they must be old then :wink: :roll: :wink: :roll:
  8. Nah, from over the river (Birkenhead way) - just heard it about 43,756,901 times now (ever since Liverpool 'bid' for the 1992 Olympics in fact).
  9. Quality!!!!

    That one will go straight over Knocker's head though.
  10. what will :? :? :? :?
  11. Ho Ho feckin Ho.

    Old as the hills? First time I seen it.

    Knocker you must be reeeeeeeealy old.

    As old as Auld Yin?
  12. jesus that is older than Slug!
  13. as in "SLUG" from knave magazine???? now he is really funny :D :D :D :D
  14. no slug as in Dale you fool :D

    but I wil have a look at the afore mentioned rag :D
  15. All you disenting posters have proved this bit is true!! Jesus, scousers carry such a chip on their shoulders, anyone would think you were jocks! :D :D

    I'm going home now, expect a pile of abuse tomorrow that will just back up my point! Aye thank you! :p