Live Below The Line

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Picatinny_Rail, May 9, 2012.

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  1. OK fellow Arrse'ers....

    A work colleague has just started to do an event for charity called “Live Below the Line”. Basically, he has to live on nothing more than £1 per day for a week, which involves .3p tea bags, 8p cheepo spaghetti hoops etc... He can’t even skiplick the reduced shelves at Tesco! Now, obviously as soon as I found out about this, as a true and propper ex squaddie working in a civilian environment, I have made every effort to help him understand what suffering is really about, so I have done the following so far:

    Ordered an Indian Takeaway, and sent him photos.
    Made sausage rolls and brought them into work and offered them to everyone!
    Left food on his desk.
    Encouraged other members of the workforce to bring in cakes...

    Obviously, he has had to decline ALL of this....

    I was thinking hot fresh Bacon butties tomorrow, as I think the smell will break him...

    But I have reached a moral dilemma...

    Considering the noble sacrifice he is making in the name of charity, should I really really taunt him with a bacon sandwich?

    Or should I make it a bacon and egg roll?

    I have only got 3 days left to enjoy this event, so any help or suggestions will be welcome :)
  2. A mug of Bovril and a mince and onion pie.
  3. Mr_Fingerz

    Mr_Fingerz LE Book Reviewer

    Egg Banjo and a brew.
  4. the_boy_syrup

    the_boy_syrup LE Book Reviewer

    Don't forget the soundtrack.

    Fuck me this is nice, ooh pass the sauce, that brew is spot on.

    Kill him off in one go by using freshly baked bread and perhaps a Danish for afters.

    In fact have as much as you can eat day and continually stuff your mouth everytime he's about.
  5. Or just a pint...
    • Like Like x 1
  6. It's got to be Gold Blend though.
  7. The sound track is already in place, in fact we are running out of words to decribe how fucking tasty the scoff is! But fresh breaked bread sounds a winner! Might even do it up in a Red Cross parcel, parachute it onto his desk, then steal it from under his eyes and sell it for guns!
  8. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Surely if he has to live on 1 quidlet a day, surely if he finds food that someone left on his desk (cos he didn't buy it), he can scoff it?

    Should you taunt him? Of course ou will make his sacrifice even nobler.......sausage sandwiches and egg banjos tomorrow.
  9. Nope, I checked the rules! Only food he has bought with his little 1 pound coin counts. Me, I would have ordered a fucking banquet on my credit card, and paid after the event was over, but evidently this is not in keeping with the rules. Civies eh? No idea how to win at unwinnable challenges!
  10. I agree Cabana, if someone left food on my desk or offered me a cake or sausage bap I'd scoff it quicker than McNab in one of his training pams. I've still got my pound to spend on gash Aldi food!
  11. Have you tried a warm baguette with a nice mature cheddar in side.
  12. Have you tried offering him £5 to suck you off?
    • Like Like x 1
  13. the_boy_syrup

    the_boy_syrup LE Book Reviewer

    Chips with loads of salt and vinegar.
    Possibly curry sauce
    Macdonalds milkshake.
  14. Tomorrow I’ll go with the bacon & egg banjo, hopefully in fresh bread, with a fresh coffee..
    Chips and vinegar sounds like a Friday special! Obviously accompanied with a pint!
    Cheers for helping to crush this dangerous practice of starving yourself for fun!
  15. I think you're missing a trick entirely.

    Not only should you be pointing out what he's missing. But you should make sure he doesn't get any satisfaction at all from what he is eating.
    When he's tucking into his lunch, make sure you go over there and fart right in his face. If you have true dedication you can even follow through, or simply shit on to his desk or into his bag if you don't want to ruin a decent pair of those ASDA chino's you saved so hard to get.

    If he has a 7p sachet of "Auntie poverties red imitation tomato soup" for his lunch, make sure you go over and point out how much it looks like the gristle filled jam rag of a menstruating old trout with fanny warts you once banged for a bet.
    Stick two fingers into the soup and show him what it looked like in situ.

    Three days isn't enough time to prepare yourself, but find an unclean workmate who hasn't washed under the old bell-end for a few days and get him to scrape his smeg into the charitable chap's tea just as he comes back from the toilet. If the guy has, for example, a bottle of milk to last him the week, or something else thats supposed to have a life of more than a day or so then perhaps that'd be a better target?

    Have a weak stomached colleague stood near by while it's happening to vomit timely into his lunchbox at the appropriate moment for real merriment.

    Remember, it's for charity, your mate wants to suffer. By helping him suffer as much as possible you're doing him worlds of good and he will only thank you for it in the long run.