Little Johhny.

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[TD]"Right children" said the teacher, "I want you to use the word 'area' in a sentence."

Little Chloe said. "In maths, length times width equals area."

"Excellent. Next one please Tommy."

"Every day, an area the size of Wales is destroyed in the rainforest" said Tommy.

"Very good. Last one, Johnny, your turn."

Johnny said. "Since my sister turned 13, 'er cunt's got much area."
Teacher was in class and says to her pupils.

Right children give me a sentence with the word FASCINATE in it

Little Julie puts her hand up and says. Miss Ive got one. Last week we went to the zoo and when I saw the animals I was fascinated.

Teacher says thats nice but the word I want is fascinate.

Little Susan has her up as well and says Ive got one Miss Last night we were watching something on the telly about the weather and it was fascinating.

Teacher says no children. The word I want is fascinate

Little Johnny says Ive got one Miss. My sister has got a new blouse and it has ten buttons on it. But her tits are that big she can only fasten eight.

One night Little Johnny was really scared sleeping by himself at camp, so he sprints out of his tent and runs to his teachers tent and asks "Miss can I please sleep with you tonight ?".

His teacher replies "NO"

Johnny moans and says "But my mummy lets me".

"OK then, just for tonight" the teacher replies.

Johnny jumps into bed with her and asks "Miss can I please play with your belly button with my finger".

She again says "NO".

"But my mummy lets me" says Johnny again.

"Well I suppose it's OK" replies the teacher.

Things are silent for a few minutes until the teacher leaps up screaming "THAT'S NOT MY BELLY BUTTON"

Little Johnny replies "It aint my finger either".

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Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"

The Teacher fainted.

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Teacher asks the class " I want a story with a moral to it"

Little Emily raises her hand and says " Don't count your chickens before their hatched".

" Well done" says the teacher. "The moral is that you shouldn't expect things"

Little Johnny raises his hand. "Go on then" says the teacher

"Well, my grandad was in the trenches in the war, and before he went, they gave him a bottle of whiskey, a 12 inch bayonet and 12 bullets for his gun. So, he drunk the whiskey, went over the top and killed 12 Germans, one for every bullet he had. He then stabbed 12 Germans, one for every inch of his bayonet" and then Johnny stopped the story

" Thats very interesting" said the teacher, " but what is the moral to that story"

" Don't fuck with my grandad when he's pissed"

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Teacher asks the class "I want you to explain the word "contagious".

Little Sarah puts her hand up and says "Miss, it's something to do with diseases being passed between people".

"Well done" says teacher, "Can anyone add more".

Little Jonny shouts out "Miss, Miss, it means something that takes a long time"

Teacher, wondering what Little Jonny is on about, asks him to explain:

"Well Miss, my Dad and I went out for a walk on Saturday and we saw a man painting his door with a tiny paint brush. Dad said "It'll take that c*nt ages to paint that door with a brush like that".
Little Johnny and Little Mary went to school with each other since kindergarten. Every day they would sit in the playground and eat lunch together, and every day they would bring chicken sandwiches.
One day in high school, as per usual, Johnny and Mary sat in the playground for lunch, when Johnny notices Mary has brought peanut butter sandwiches instead of the usual chicken.
"Hey! What's the story Mary, for years we have had chicken sandwiches for lunch, why the big change all of a sudden?"
With that, Mary puts down her sandwiches, stands up, hikes up her tunic, pulls down her pink frilly's and says "Look at this! All that damn chicken has given me feathers!"
To which Johnny jumps up and pulls down his strides and replies "So you think that's bad!" "I've got the neck and giblets too!"
Teacher: right class think of a ryhme that includes the word Timbuktu.
So little Johnny stands up and says i know one, upon which the teacher says go ahead and tell the class
So Johnny starts
"well miss,me and Tim went down to Kent"
"we saw three women in a tent"
"We didn't know what to do"
"so I bucked one an Timbuktu"
Little Johnny and little Mary are walking to school one day when he notices that little Mary seems very quiet and withdrawn.
"What's the matter Mary?" little Johnny asks, "You don't seem your normal self today."
"Well" says little Mary, "I woke up this morning and I was bleeding between the legs."
" What? Give us a look then." So Mary slips down her nickers and gives little Johnny a look.
"No bloody wonder!" exclaims little Johnny, "Somebody's cut your cock off!"
Little Johnny turns up an hour late for school one day.

"Why are you late?" His teacher asks.

"Sorry miss, but my Grandad got burnt this morning."

"Oh, terribly sorry Johnny, I hope not too badly."

"Well, they don't fuck around at the crematorium miss!"
Little Johnny walks into his parents room and see his dad giving his mum one, his dad just laughs and throws a pillow at Johnny and shouts "get out"!
A little while later Johnny's dad hears a commotion coming from Johnny's room, he rushes in and is horrified to see Johnny shagging his gran..

Johnny just looks at him and says "not so fucking funny when its your mum is it"???
Little Johnny has a restless nights sleep and struggles to the breakfast table with a forlorn look on his face.

His dad notices he's not his usual chipper self and asks him what's bothering him.

"Is mum going to die?" Johnny asks sadly.

"Why would you say that Johnny, did you have a nightmare last night?"

"No, I woke up in the middle of the night to hear mum scream out "Oh God I'm coming!"
Righto, here's one......

Little Johnny and Little Mary are walking home from school one day when Mary turns to Johnny and asks, "Johnny, what's a penis?"

Little Johnny looks at her in puzzlement and replies, "Buggered if I know Mary, I'll go home and ask my dad."

So when Little Johnny gets home he asks his dad, "Dad, what's a penis?"

His dad laughs and says, "I knew you would ask this question one day Johnny." And with that rips down his strides.

"See this?" He says, "This is a penis."

The next morning he hooks back up with Little Mary and she excitedly asks Little Johnny, "Did you find out what a penis was?"

"I sure did Mary!" And with that, pulls out his slug.

"Do you see this Mary?"


"Well this is a cock. A penis is only half the size!"


Book Reviewer
Little Johnny was in the bath with his mum when notices her fanny, he says "what that" and she says " That's where dad hit me with an axe" Johnny looks closer and says " great shot, Right in the cnut"
Little Johnny is in class one day when the teacher asks the kids in turn to observe three thing out of the classroom window.

Little Mary says she can see a car, a bus and a post box.

Little Jane says she can see a cloud, a flower, and a dog.

Little Johnny says he can see a motorbike, a garden, and a flat cat.

"A flat cat?" the teacher asks in puzzlement.

"It must be flat miss."

"There's another one on top of it trying to pump it up!"
Little Johnny walking down the road when a car pulls alongside, the driver winds the window down and says, "If I give you a sweet will you come in my car?" Johnny says, "Give me the bagfull and I'll come in your mouth!"
Little Johnny turns up for class late one day.

"Where have you been Johnny!" Miss Jones says sternly.

"Putting penny bungers up frog's arses miss."

"Rectum Johnny!"

"Wrecked 'em alright miss, blew 'em to fucking bits!"
Little Johnny walking down the road finds a pair of welding goggles. Off he strides, feeling good with his new goggles on. A car slows at the curb and the driver says "Little man do you know what fellatio is?"
"Fell - a - tio ..... no mister I don't" says Johnny
"What about masturbation then" says the bloke
"Mas - tur - ba - tion ..... no mister never heard of that either" replies little Johnny
"Then what of rimming?" sneers the pervert
"Listen mister I ain't really a welder I just found the fucking goggles!"
little johnny is sat at the back of the class when his coloured friend called winston tells him he wont be in school tomorrow as his grandad has died and he's going to the funeral.

after a few minutes thought johnny puts his hand up and say " miss can i have tomorrow off to go strawberry picking?"

the teacher looks at johnny and says " of course you can't have a day off school to go strawberry picking don't be so silly"

to which johnny replies " but miss that aint fair winston's got the day off to go black-burying!!!!!!!.

whats that you say racist and not funny? oh Bollocks to the taxi i'll walk.
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