Little Gangsters

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by IdleAdjt, Nov 1, 2005.

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  1. I live in a quiet village in the south of England and as you would think, crime is something that I see on the news. Imagine my suprise when last night I came face to face with organised crime in my village.

    Whilst sat idle in front of the television supping a brew, I had a knock at the door. "Who can that be?" thinks I. Surely not the Jehovis Witnesses again after the last visit and the mock religious sacrifice (but that's another story).

    I turned the key and opened the door to hear "Trick or Treat."

    What, surely it can't be Paul Daniels come round to do a magic show or to treat me to a fine bottle of red. Oh no, despite the similarity in height, it was no Paul Daniels and the lovely Debbie Maggee at my door but a motley collection of ankle biters.

    "Trick or Treat" they repeated.

    It now all became clear. These poor fools had watched too many American TV programmes and honesty believed that the average man in Britian would have a collection of sweets to ply them with for wearing a 99p ghost mask and knocking on their door. Well as we all know, kids today are fat little weezey critters so I felt it my duty to tell them to "Sod Off". Who can blame me? I was only saving them from years of heart trouble and elasticated trousers. I was to learn a real lesson for my civic good nature.

    Upon my rebuke, the leader of the pocket sized lynch mob said "If you don't give us some sweets we'll make you wish you had." I looked at him. My fear levels did not rise despite his clear threat as I towered above him by a good foot and a half. His "scary" costume consisted of a jacket, jeans and a skeleton mask. He looked about as frightening as Christopher Biggins in a tutu. It was then that I looked at what he was holding...a fecking knife. I don't mean a a plastic toy knife, but a big fecking, steel, open you up at the navel, knife.

    Who the feck lets their kids stalk the streets of safe old southern England with a kitchen knife? What was more worrying, is that this little Reggy Kray had demanded sweets whilst brandishing a knife. I was being robbed on my own doorstep by Jimmy Crankie in a mask.

    I did the only honorable thing. I slammed the door in their faces and locked it.

    All safe now thinks I. Oh no. They start shouting through the letterbox and banging on the windows. I feared for my car parked outside. Feck it, I feared for my life. I was being terrorised in my own home by sugar fuelled Umpalumpas...with knives.

    I took the Christian approach and retired into the sancutary of the living room safe in the knowledge they would soon get bored and that any action I took would be an over-reaction. Turn the other cheek and be a man. Or was it that I was terrified to do anything. They had me out-numbered.

    What should I have done? Called the police? And become the focus of derision for failing to face down a bunch of kids. Taken my hand-axe and chased then away? And become the girlfriend of Crusher as I serve 5 years in Holloway. Doing nothing was all I could do.

    Not a very nice experience to be a prisoner in your own home and one I am determined not to repeat. Next year I shall be prepared. I am going to get a Guard Mong. A 18 stone, dribbling, slavvering half-wit to frighten the little sh1ts away...or am I just going to stock up on the Cola Bottles.
  2. I contracted Tony Martin for the evening. He sat at the top of my stairs muttering about "pikeys". Wasn't a bad night - apart from the pile of dead and dying children in my porch.

    We are going to plead self defence.
  3. Option One.
    Offer the little sh!t's a bowl of laxitives and pretend they are penny sweets.

    Option two.
    Anwser the door dressed as Micheal Jackson and act all happy "Oh, fantastic. The take aways arrived" as you usher the kids into your sex dungeon.

    Option three.

    Knock knock
    "Trick o...."
    then slam the door.
  4. This unpleasant American import seems to have taken hold in a big way. Whilst in Germany I had a flat (Mess annexe), and was plagued by pad brats from the adjacent patch ringing the bell incessantly and banging on the windows. I went to remonstrate and found them escorted by several enormous, foul-mouthed and tattooed women (their mothers, evidently), who thought I was being most unreasonable in not wishing to take part, and threatened to call the RMP if I threw any more water out of the windows or waved my blackthorn at them again.
  5. Top tip for next year:

    Take one pressure washer hand pump, one bucket full of warm/hot water and one bucket of cold water.

    Add a good couple of shots of chilli sauce/chopped chilli essence (habanero/american insane
    for preference) to the hot water.

    Pump up the pressure on the hand pump in the hot water.
    Spray the little darlings through the letter box with the hot chilli water.
    Open the door and pour the cold water over them.

    Hot water opens the skin pores and the chilli is allowed in. Cold water seals the pores shut
    with chilli inside.

    Stings like a b*stard.

  6. OldSnowy

    OldSnowy LE Moderator Book Reviewer

    Have to hand a nice bowl of those delicious yellow or pink sweeties that you can find, for free, in urinals all over the country.
  7. maninblack

    maninblack LE Book Reviewer

    MiB's children are genuine American imports and I still don't let them go out playing "Trick Or Treat".

    "WHY?", I hear you all cry.

    Because it is begging and begging is illegal.
  8. It's not begging it's just plain old blackmailing.....which coincidently is also illegal so really we're just spiltting hairs
  9. I think that you should have utilized the knife to assist you in crucifying the little cnut, upside-down on your front door. This would act as a seasonal decoration, showing that you are 'getting in to the spirit of the occasion', and may also act as a deterrent for any other potential junior highwaymen.

  10. Fang_Farrier

    Fang_Farrier LE Reviewer Book Reviewer

    Up Here in Orkney we have a tradition of Devilment on 31st October. The Police love it as can be seen by this extrcat from

    "Irresponsible and stupid" Hallowe'en pranksters
    Orkney police have condemned the “irresponsible and stupid” actions of Hallowe’en pranksters last night.

    Fourteen police officers were kept busy clearing blocked roads of items including concrete bollards, a skip, bins, planks of wood and scaffolding.

    Officers were also called out eight times in relation to fireworks being set off, and on several more occasions to groups of youths throwing flour and eggs at houses and passing cars.

    Kirkwall Sergeant Eddie Graham said: “We would like to emphasise the sheer stupidity of the individuals dragging items on to the road, particularly for emergency vehicles getting through. It could have had very serious consequences.”
  11. Cutaway

    Cutaway LE Reviewer

    Or extortion ? Deanding money with menaces ?

    Last time they came round my basha I gave them the menaces then when I was goung to give them the money they'd all buggered off...

    Funny things stickies.
  12. i had them all night last night, at one stage 6 of the little fcukers were fighting to get to the front whilst knocking on my door....

    as i opened said door 3 of them fell into my hallway and the one underneath looked like she was part of a wrestling match and promptly burst into tears wailing loudly. so here i am, 7pm on a monday night, cooking my tea with 3 bin lids fighting in my hallway.

    one of said kids mothers then rushes down my path with a look that could kill as if to say "what have you done to my kids??"

    i hope they enjoyed the out of date "rocky bars" i offered them

  13. I often find that a pressure mat, 9v battery and Simulator Artillery works quite nicely...........

    Otherwise it's the tried and tested......."Release the Hounds".

  14. Surely halloween is the ideal time to get rid of the rat pack boiled sweets and out of date chocolate bars that everyone (well I do anyway...) has lying around?

    Not that I gave anything away. I turned out the light above the front door and the feckers couldn't find it! (it's tucked away in a place where a front door wouldn't normally be...! Don't ask me why!) It also helped that there was a veritable river flowing down the road outside...
  15. Just dress up as Jacko or Gary Glitter when you answer the door.... should do the trick..