lingo

Discussion in 'The ARRSE Hole' started by Poppy, Aug 25, 2004.

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  1. COMPETITIVE SALARY:
    We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
    JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:
    We have no time to train you.
    CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:
    We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.
    MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED:
    You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
    SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:
    Some time each night and some time each weekend.
    DUTIES WILL VARY:
    Anyone in the office can boss you around.
    MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:
    We have no quality control.
    CAREER-MINDED:
    Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
    APPLY IN PERSON:
    If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has
    been filled.

    NO PHONE CALLS, PLEASE:
    We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal
    formality.

    SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:
    You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
    PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:
    You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
    REQUIRES TEAM-LEADERSHIP SKILLS:
    You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the
    pay or respect.

    GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:
    Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they
    want and do it.

    I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:
    I've used Microsoft Office.
    I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE:
    I pilfer office supplies.
    MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:
    I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.
    I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:
    I blame others for my mistakes.
    I'M PERSONABLE:
    I give lots of unsolicited personal advice.
    I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:
    I carry a Day-Timer.
    I AM ADAPTABLE:
    I've changed jobs a lot.
    I AM ON THE GO:
    I'm never at my desk.
    I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED:
    The minute I find a better job, I'm outta' here.
     
  2. All so hauntingly familiar, and true :lol:

    Wonder if I've still got the one about academic-speak...
     
  3. Here goes:

    ACADEMIC JARGON

    The following list of phrases and their definitions will help you understand and interpret that mysterious language used by academics and other researchers.

    "IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN..."
    I didn't look up the original reference.

    "A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT..."
    These data are practically meaningless.

    "WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO THESE QUESTIONS..." An unsuccessful experiment, but I still hope to get it published.

    "THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY..."
    The results of the others did not make any sense.

    "TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN..."
    This is the prettiest graph.

    "THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT..."
    I might get around to this sometime, if pushed or funded.

    "THE MOST RELIABLE RESULTS ARE OBTAINED BY JONES..."
    He was my graduate student, and his grade depended on it.

    "IN MY EXPERIENCE..."
    Once.

    "IN CASE AFTER CASE..."
    Twice.

    "IN A SERIES OF CASES..."
    Three times.

    "IT IS BELIEVED THAT..."
    I think.

    "IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT..."
    A couple of other guys think so too.

    "CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE..."
    Wrong.

    "ACCORDING TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS..."
    Rumour has it.

    "A STATISTICALLY-ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THESE FINDINGS..." A wild guess.

    "A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA..."
    Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a cup of coffee.

    "IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED BEFORE A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENON OCCURS..." I don't understand it.

    "AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES..."
    They don't understand it either.

    "THANKS ARE DUE TO JOE BLOTZ FOR ASSISTANCE WITH THE EXPERIMENT AND TO ANDREA SCHAEFFER FOR VALUABLE DISCUSSIONS..." Mr. Blotz did the work and Ms. Schaeffer explained to me what it meant.

    "A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY..."
    A totally useless topic selected by my committee.

    "IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER INVESTIGATION IN THIS FIELD..." I quit.
     
  4. you forgot the ever popular " these results may show some inaccuracies due to calibration errors " meaning the machine stopped working half way through testing so I made the rest of the results up.