Lifted from another forum.

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Fatbadge, Dec 17, 2007.

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  1. *disclaimer - it's in NAAFI. if you get offended, get over it*


    A Taliban suicide bomber pulls the plug and explodes... BOOM!!! A short while later he finds himself on a huge white staircase leading towards the heavens, so he starts climbing up. After an hour of hard climbing, he arrives at a landing where an old man in white robes with a long flowing beard is sitting surrounded by ledgers.

    "Excuse me sir" he says "are you Mohammed?" "No" replies the old man, "I am St Peter, Mohammed is further up the stairs". "But this is wonderful news" screams the bomber, 'Mohammed is higher than St Peter! I can hardly believe it'.

    With this he carries on climbing up the stairs. After an hour or so of hard climbing he arrives at another landing. Standing on the landing is a serene looking man with long hair and a long white beard.

    "Excuse me sir" he says "are you Mohammed?" "No" replies the old man, "I am Jesus, Mohammed is further up the stairs". "But this is amazing news" screams the bomber, "Mohammed is higher than Jesus! I can hardly believe it, martyrdom is wonderful!!"

    With this he carries on climbing up the stairs. After another hour or so of hard climbing he arrives on a huge landing. There, sitting on a magnificent throne is another old man, with flowing white robes, beard and long white hair.

    "Excuse me sir" he says "are you Mohammed?" "No" replies the old man, "I am God." "But this is absolutely amazing news" screams the bomber, "Mohammed is higher than God! I am so happy I can't believe it, martyrdom is more than wonderful!"

    "You look tired my son" said God "would you like to sit down and rest a while?" "Oh yes" replied the bomber "I am very tired and would love a rest before I carry on, thank you".

    The bomber sits down and God says "You look thirsty my son, would you like a cup of coffee?" "Oh yes please" replies the bomber "I am most thirsty, thank you".

    With this God turns and snaps his fingers and shouts "Oi, Mohammed, two coffees over here and make it snappy!!"

    :wink:
     
  2. Absolutely disgusted Fatbadge you appaul me. :x













    :fish: :fish: :nemo: :nemo:
     
  3. Your spelling appalls me more.. my dear fellow..



    :wink:
     
  4. I cant spell Jon Smiffs now either and ive been looking at the cans all night, was waiting for your bite after my post but edited the fish when you didnt reply CNUT :wink:
     
  5. Snigger! hehe!
     
  6. He best wash his hands before touching the brew kit. You know what he uses to wipe his arse with and it aint paper.
     
  7. Baddum Tish!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


    Very amusing
     
  8. The Army found they had too many officers and non-commissioned officers and decided to offer an early
    retirement bonus. They promised anyone who volunteered for retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

    The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of £72,000.

    The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be
    measured from the tip of his upraised hands to his toes. He walked out
    with £96,000.

    The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Sergeant Major who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my todger to my testicles." It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two officers had received. But the old Sergeant Major insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

    The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em," which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's todger and began to work back. Dear Lord!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"

    The old Sergeant Major replied, " Basra ."
     
  9. - The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

    - The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

    - The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

    - The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

    - The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

    - The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

    - The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your behind kicked.

    - The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead/knees.

    - The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

    - The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

    - The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
     
  10. What, you drink beer as well as support the Scunny Bunny?

    John Smiths WHAT........... PISH? :wink:
     
  11. Grab your horlicks old timer and get back in your village, the need the idiot for the Christmas panto, you know we burn anyone who ventures outside Brigg. :twisted:









    ps have a great Christmas Charlie :wink:
     
  12. hurrah......................... F_B