Lies that actually work...!!

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by copey, Sep 16, 2006.

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  1. Ever tipped up just those few minutes too late?
    permission to "fall in" denied? been asked an awkward question?

    what you need is a really good excuse, here are a few that have worked for me

    "I would have got here on time but on the way down i got the sudden urge to shiit, if i hadnt of gone back there would have been a mess"

    (this happens to most people from time to time and is completely plausable)

    "I would have got here on time but..I got to the gate and realised i'd left my ID card in yesterdays pants, had to go back home and get it"

    (again plausable, your not supposed to keep your MOD90 in your wallet anyway)

    "the oncoming guard commander fcuked us around with more cleaning before he would take the guardroom over thats why im late"
    (being fcuked around by someone else means you werent loafing and is an acceptable excuse)

    "i got stiffed for panbash (in the field only) thats why im a bit late"
    (a shiit job but someone has to do it, remember to make sure your hands are gleaming to confirm your lie)

    "has my weapon been inspected? "course it has, that new sergeant did it, cant remember his name, the one with the tash"

    lets hear yours now, no lame stuff, lies that actually work!
  2. nosebleed, sorry boss

    helped new officer with big box on other side of camp...

    i live by these ones. so far .. faultless
  3. ha ha! pmsl yeah, i like this one..obviously no one knows his it cant be checked and you might even get yourself a pat on the back for your "efforts"
    fcuking brilliant!
  4. I promise I wont cum. Sorry wrong thread
  5. "Had to vary my route to work today, remember Staff stay alert stay alive" Seemed to always get a smile out of them anyway, security is not a dirty word, however, "moist" is.
  6. My previous Boss would only allow one excuse for being late, and would accept it every day if necessary, as long you were willing to allow him to ring your missus and confirm your "activity".
  7. family issues always worked at getting out of crap TA weekends if saidwhile looking sorrowful.
    though my mum must take the biscuit as a district nurse got to leave early from staff meetings as had to pick up her children form school (for 15 years :D )
    only rumbled when child turns out to be 25 and home on leave :D
  8. I get very suspicious when a soldier claims that his third grandmother has just died....

  9. My mum had an issue with this a while back. One of her subordinates wanted an afternoon off to take her child to the dentist.

    Age of child? 22.

    Still seriously expected the time off though.
  10. Pet emergency - dog ill, cat on fire, the usual.
    Bird sh@t in hair - no one wants to see that
    Caught c**K in fly - no-one will question you futher
    Had to administer first aid to old granny/cyclist/small child

    There are others, like a washing machine flood, but I find the above work the best :D
  11. Flat tyre on the car works pretty well if you don't over use it.

    Make sure you dirty your hands on the wheel first.
  12. Funny you should mention the washing machine one.... used it twice last week, bloody repairmen.... didn't turn up the first day so I had to take a second day off... :D
  13. Barsteward, just had all the geeks looking at me like I was going mad, bloody orange juice flowing down my nose!!

    The one I can remember was someone had organised a stripper in the Cpls Mess on a Sunday night (apparently she was doing something very peculiar with a rugby ball). Me, being very squeaky clean, didn’t go and went to my kip early, kit all pressed boots bulled etc. The next day we were on parade and I was looking in very bad nick. The troop staffie began picking on me and asked me why I was in such bog-order.

    “I got dragged out of bed in the middle of the night to give blood in Rinteln Staff,” says I.

    “Liar, off to the guardroom left-right-left-right.”

    Had to get the monkeys to confirm my story.

    So, a truth that doesn’t work – two double negatives - does that count as a lie that does work?
  14. ...because if you over-use it, it damages the wheel rim presumably??
  15. Genius. Lateral thinking at its best.