Lezzers & Slam Ons

Swannee Kazoo

War Hero
You are obviously not a criminal mastermind Mr the wolf so I will excuse your naive post.

If it isn't over engineered and elaborate, then I would just be the same as any other rapist. No sir, with the Stealth Rape Suite, I become an evil genius, easily recognisable and infamous the world over, spreading my filthy seed at random and without warning and in some cases so fast the victim won't know they have been raped by The Stealth Rapist.


I'll get my coat...oops can't find it.

Isnt that the exact opposite of what you want to be, surely inconspicuous and unknown is what you are aiming for?
And he's doing a stretch for torturing lesbians in his dungeon.

Art was cleaning the nice shiny rifle he lifted from the lezzers and whilst watching the torture unfold he started polishing the weapon faster and harder, at the sight of a size 12 tungsten tipped masonry drill bit ripping into the lessees knee it went off in his face.


Perhaps it wasnt just a random made up story he was narrating....

Having met him in real life I don't think you are far wrong and with any luck he wont notice I posted this.:)

He is still getting over the shock of moving back to the UK though.
Having met him in real life I don't think you are far wrong and with any luck he wont notice I posted this.:)

He is still getting over the shock of moving back to the UK though.

You cannot 'get over it' you need to accept it and allow it to gnaw at your conscience, by allowing it in, it can no longer shock you...at least it was something like that the psych tried to convince me.

I found Stravaiging the Highlands and Islands of Jockland silenced the pain.
From Chapter Six....."Shite! I nearly stalled the damn motor as she reached across and gently squeezed my old man with her slender fingers".

Free Edit: Shite! I nearly stalled the always under powered Landy motor as she reached across and gently squeezed my own gear knob with her slender fingers.


Chapter Twelve

“**** it.” I whispered. “You’ll have to get her sorted Ali. The gamma-hydroxybutyric acid is in the usual place in the kitchen.”

“Liquid Ecstasy. Gotta love it.” Alison replied, as she rolled from my bed causing a small dollop of my man juice to slip from her moist flange.

As I pulled on a pair of Comme des Garcon Homme strides, I watched the delectable Alison squeezing into one of my shirts, her erect nipples poking through the Thomas Pink material, like organ stops. She was a thing of violent beauty, it has to be said.

“I’ll be in the barn Ali.” I said, adding. “And for fucks sake don’t go mad with the GHB, a couple of mill will sort her out. The denizens of ARRSE need her alive for a bit longer yet…”

“I’ll join you in five minutes.” She replied.

I made my way out into the freezing evening and made my way to the barn. The overhead lights flickered and popped before bathing the open space with light. The three Cray super computers were humming silently and the bank of monitors on the far wall were silent. The red glowing alarm system led’s indicated that my perimeter had not been breached, all was well.

Sat a desk, I booted up the software controlling the CCTV and after several minutes of panning the four cameras located in Little *******, satisfied myself that there was no untoward activity in the village.

The closed case containing the C14 Timberwolf Sniper rifle was exactly where I had left it. I couldn’t resist a peek though. The catches opened with a soft ‘snick’ and once again I marvelled at the aesthetic beauty that lay snuggled in its foam bed.

A soft ‘ping from the security software informed me that the barn door was opening and a glance at the monitor showed that Alison was entering.

I closed the case and turned to greet her. She didn't have to know about this particular weapon yet.
“No problem with Mia then?” I inquired
“Nope.” Alison replied. “Good as gold. What’s in the case Arte?”

“Just another project darling.” I stated matter-of-factly.

“Nothing to do with the stealth suit (Rawhide) then?” She asked mischievously.

I raised an eyebrow and asked. “You haven’t seen that yet have you?”


“Do you want to?”

“Is it finished?”

“Well, I’m on the mark 4 version and it appears to be working, but I haven’t had the opportunity for a full field test yet.”

“So stop ******* about and show me.”

Alison followed me down the length of the barn. I pressed a button on the far wall and a false partition slid silently upwards exposing a nondescript white van.

“I thought you had scrapped the rape van? (goatruter) She said.

“Not in this woeful economic climate.” (goatruter) I replied, adding. “It won’t fetch much, and it’s never been compromised, despite that close call over the She-Midgets.” (Koschei)

“Ah, the She-Midgets.” Gasped Alison as she placed her right hand into my shirt and gave her left breast a squeeze. “That was a top drawer laugh Arte, we should get some more of those, I know for a fact that Pete at Old Joes Garage would pay handsomely for another DVD. The ******* Perv.”

I sighed. “Aye, you’re probably right darling, however there is plenty of time for that. And can you please stop rubbing yourself, my old boy is doing somersaults in my strides and I need to concentrate.”

“******* spoilsport.” She cooed, kneading her breast harder.

I slid back the side door on the van and scooped out a black sports bag and in so doing dragged out a pile of Harry Maskers black tape. I made a mental note to be more careful with stowing of my tools of the trade. It was the small things that got one into trouble.

I unzipped the bag and pulled out a one piece rubber suit. “This is it.” I said. “The mark 4 stealth suit."

“Looks like a ******* frogmans kit Arte.” She exclaimed.

“Ah yes, but although this is 5mm neoprene, it’s a self-lubricating allowing the wearer to slide effortlessly.” I chuckled and added. “More importantly, it’s completely silent and can slide across any surface.” (© Rawhide)

“Bollocks. It’s one of those frogmans suit, end of.” Alison was obviously not impressed.

“Right then.” I said. “I’ll put it on and give you a 'demo, but bear in mind this is not the finished thing.”

“She pouted her lips and said. “I am still calling bollocks, but go on then.”

I stepped out of my strides, the old boy was definitely pleased to get some fresh air and was bouncing up and down like a drunken dolphin, the randy old todger, but it was only for a moment, the suit took but a few seconds to don and with a few adjustments of the arm and ankles I was good to go.

I offered some simple instruction. “Right then Ali, piss off to the other side of the barn, turn your back and count slowly to ten. If you hear anything at all you can turn around.”

Ali moved off muttering something about bollocks but would do as I had asked.

I waited until she was standing at the far end of the barn. I could hear her counting.


I took three large paces and launched myself onto the hard concrete floor, twisting onto my back with a thump that almost winded me. I made another note to myself. Extra padding on the back.

I slid across the barn floor at a mighty rate, no more noisily that a ninja death moth.


A quick leg push and slight adjustment with my shoulder blades ensured I was bang on target and still moving at speed.


I grabbed Alison by the legs and pulled her down on top of me. My right hand whipped out a 7 inch pre-cut length of Harry maskers and I clamped it around Alisons mouth before she could even yelp. My left arm was wrapped tightly around her waist. Helpless. ******* ace.

My slide continued for a further six feet before coming to a rest against the wall. Alison was heaving against me, her lovely arse jamming into the old fella.

I waited for about twenty seconds before releasing Alisons waist. She leapt off me like a startled gazelle and ripped the black masking tape from her red lips.

She towered above me, her breasts heaving inside the Thomas Pink shirt, nipples like Scammell wheel nuts jammed against the expensive cotton material before she ripped the shirt open.

And screamed.

“You bastard. I want you right now. **** ME.”
What, is this it Arte ? You leave the entire pervs of the NAAFI bar dribbling pre-cum waiting desperately for further chapters and you write no more :)

If you do continue at some point write in

''her eyes looked like the barrels of an SLR, two 7.62 mike mikes staring at me with untold hatred", I loved it, it gave me a stiffy"

Posted from the ARRSE Mobile app (iOS or Android)


I had the pleasure of chatting to Cpl (as he was then) Kriss (Kezi Uchechukwu Duru Akabusi to his mates) and if I'd known then what I know now, I'd have asked him if he'd fancy a walk-on-role in a sloppily written tale of derring-do with a porn twist.

I am pretty sure though, that after he'd stopped preening himself in the gym mirror, and shouting "twice around my bronzed god-like figure...GO!" he'd have fecked me off at the high port,

So in conclusion: He will not be appearing. Sorry.
As we have already mentioned dwarves can Wee Jimmy Cranky make a guest appearance and get the good news. That would be fandabbidozy.

Sent from my HTC Desire using ARRSE mobile app
It was a long way from Insurance scams to here, but where is the continuation FFS.