Actual Letter To The Local Council 1. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt out my knob off 2. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage. 3. Their 18 year old son is continuously banging his balls against my fence 4. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the roof of the outside toilet and I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off 5. The lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand? 6. I am writing on behalf of my sink which is coming away from the wall 7. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant 8. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen 9. Can you please tell me when the repairs will be done as my wife is about to become expectant mother 10. I am still having trouble with smoke in my built-in drawers 11. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared 12. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is funny colour and not fit to drink 13. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now its in three pieces 14. Would you please send a man to repair my sprout. I am an old pensioner and need it straight away 15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road, every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's getting too much 16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous 17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so will you please send someone around to do something about it 18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would be pleased if you do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night 19. Please send a man with clean tools to finish the job and satisfy my wife 20. I have had the Clerk of the Works down on the floor six times, but still have no satisfaction 21. We are getting married in September and would like it in the garden before we move into the house 22. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can't get BBC2.