Letter of complaint

Dear Sir,

I have been a loyal user of your Forever Maxi-Pads for the past twenty years and I appreciate many of their fine features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core(TM) or the Dri-Weave(TM) Absorbency, I'd probably never go horse riding, trampolining or salsa dancing and I would certainly steer well away from running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts but my all-time favourite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. You deserve full marks for being a company smart enough to realise how crucial it is that Maxi-Pads be aerodynamic and have those little wings. I can't begin to express how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little Royal Air Force GR4 Tornado in my panties!

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr Jones? Ever suffered from the curse? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through the arteries and veins in my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband calls, an inbred chav with knife skills! You think The Hulk looks a sight, you should come and see me when that time of the month arrives! Isn't the human body amazing? As the Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you have no doubt seen and read quite a lot of the research on what exactly happens during your customers monthly visit from Aunty Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness and cramping stomach pains we endure ... the intense mood swings, crying bouts and out of control behaviour. You surely realise it's a tough time for most women, in fact, only last week my good friend Jennifer only just managed to fight off the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into her George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken Chimpanzee's ... crazy!

The point of this lettter, Sir, is you of all people must realise that Britain is just crawling with menstruating, demented, female homicidal maniacs, which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramps so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened a Forever Maxi-Pad and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were the words HAVE A HAPPY PERIOD. Are you having a chuffing laugh or just plain stupid?

What I mean is, does any part of your tiny male, Middle-Manager, brain really believe happiness ... actual smiling, laughing, Ho-bloody-ho, happiness ... is possible during a menstrual period? Are you a complete and utter dickhead? Did any of the aforementioned sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it Mr Jones? Unless you're some kind of strange S&M freak of a woman ... there will never be anything HAPPY about a day in which you have to fill yourself with painkillers, chain yourself to a radiator and to be on the safe side, lock yourself in the house, just so you don't march down to Sainsbury's with a meat cleaver and a sketchy plan in your pain beffudled mind, to end your life in a blood bath at the deli-counter! For the love of God, get yourself a brain man! If you have to slap a moronic message on a Maxi-Pad, wouldn't it make much more sense to say something that's actually pertinent ... like PUT DOWN THE HAMMER or maybe have USING A MOTOR VEHICLE AS A MURDER WEAPON CAN ENDANGER SOMEONE'S HEALTH, or are you just picking on us Mr Jones?

Please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be a £10 drop in your monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere and although I will most certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit and that's a promise I will keep ... FOREVER!

Best Wishes,

Linda Smith

Similar threads

New Posts

Latest Threads