Office of Prime Minister, 10 Downing Street, London, England Dear People of the United Kingdom, Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of the economy your Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers 40 years of age and older on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE(Retire Aged People Early). Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the Government to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme(Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program(Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers) A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice, and SCREWED as many time as the government deems appropriate. Only persons who have been RAPED can get AIDS(Additional Income for Dependants and Spouce,) or HERPES(Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Government. Persons who are not RAPED, and who are staying on will recieve as much sh*t(Special High Intensity Training|) as possible. The Government has always prided itself in the amount of sh*t it gives out. Should you feel that you do not receive as much sh*t as you should, please bring this to the attention of your MP. They have been trained to give you as much sh*t as you can handle. Sincerely, Gordon Brown.