Lets write a book.

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by lucky21, Jul 24, 2013.

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  1. Opening paragraph has been done for you, feel free to make it as disgusting, outlandish and un pc as possible.

    He wakes up bleary eyed at the alarm, the rancid taste of cigarettes, booze and self loathing in his mouth. He crawls off his mattress on the floor to find his gun, time to stick in his mouth and pull the trigger. Except this isnt Hollywood, its not even Brentwood. So instead he staggers to the kitchen to make tea.

    Another day of pulling on his grey facade and making the world think he cares. Who knows, maybe he will run someone over on the journey to work. Anything go climb out of the monotonous hole that is life.
  2. He decides "Fuck it", goes back to the bedroom gets the gun and shoots himself in the head.

    And dies.

    The end.

    By Dale aged 6 and a bit.
    • Like Like x 3
  3. His Ghost is now looking down on the scene....

    "Awesome" he thinks, I can now go perv'ing and annoy people.
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  4. God turns out to be a grammar nazi, and sends him to Hell for making three mistakes in his final post on ARRSE.
  5. No charge for proof reading and editing services...
  6. As he looks in the mirror and realises he can't see his own image (because he's now a Zombie), he thinks "What shall have for me tea? Fishfinger butty with tommy K, or a kebab?".

    Then realises that when he shot himself in the head, his intestines fell out of his bumhole and one of his 25 cats is now scoffing them.
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  7. FFS women, its vampired that can't see themselves in the mirror. Unless its a vampire zombie.
  8. Here was me hoping it was going to be another exercise in filf and smut. SO disappointing. However, we DO have some quite excellent authors who have demonstrated their talent in that direction.
  9. A vampire zombie capable of sentient rationalisation?
  10. And getting a hard on
  11. He's now a vampire zombie with a magic wand, like what Harry Potter has got, and has just transmoggyfied his 25 cats into flying thingymebobs, with big vampire teeth, scary big massive claws, tazers and stuff.

    (Do you think the OP intended the thread to go this way?)
  12. So this is where Dumbledore and Gandalf enter to see who has the biggest wand......
  13. Our hero was shoving his wand up Tigger, his favourite cat when he felt a strange stirring in his pants.....
  14. Hang on - a vampire zombie that can turn things into other things?

    HALLAUJEH!!!! Rejoice Brethren (and sisteren as well of course*) 'Tis the END TIMES come at last and we will all be TAKEN UP in his holy cadillac.

    *Other versions are not welcome and will be cast down into the pit where Satan belches fire, and enormous devils break wind
    both night and day! Hell: where the mind is never free from thetorments of remorse, and your bottom never free from the pricking of little forks!
  15. You're not very good at this, are you?

    GreyMafia (She of the Princess Leia outfit), is also a witch and has the magic powers to stitch the nasties in his bumhole up, so he can eat his fishfinger butties for his tea without shitting himself.
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