Lets write a book.

#1
Opening paragraph has been done for you, feel free to make it as disgusting, outlandish and un pc as possible.

He wakes up bleary eyed at the alarm, the rancid taste of cigarettes, booze and self loathing in his mouth. He crawls off his mattress on the floor to find his gun, time to stick in his mouth and pull the trigger. Except this isnt Hollywood, its not even Brentwood. So instead he staggers to the kitchen to make tea.

Another day of pulling on his grey facade and making the world think he cares. Who knows, maybe he will run someone over on the journey to work. Anything go climb out of the monotonous hole that is life.
 
#2
He decides "Fuck it", goes back to the bedroom gets the gun and shoots himself in the head.

And dies.

The end.

By Dale aged 6 and a bit.
 
M

Mark The Convict

Guest
#4
God turns out to be a grammar nazi, and sends him to Hell for making three mistakes in his final post on ARRSE.
 
#6
His Ghost is now looking down on the scene....

"Awesome" he thinks, I can now go perv'ing and annoy people.
As he looks in the mirror and realises he can't see his own image (because he's now a Zombie), he thinks "What shall have for me tea? Fishfinger butty with tommy K, or a kebab?".

Then realises that when he shot himself in the head, his intestines fell out of his bumhole and one of his 25 cats is now scoffing them.
 
#7
As he looks in the mirror and realises he can't see his own image (because he's now a Zombie), he thinks "What shall have for me tea? Fishfinger butty with tommy K, or a kebab?".

Then realises that when he shot himself in the head, his intestines fell out of his bumhole and one of his 25 cats is now scoffing them.
FFS women, its vampired that can't see themselves in the mirror. Unless its a vampire zombie.
 
#8
Here was me hoping it was going to be another exercise in filf and smut. SO disappointing. However, we DO have some quite excellent authors who have demonstrated their talent in that direction.
 
#11
FFS woman, its vampires that can't see themselves in the mirror. Unless its a vampire zombie.
He's now a vampire zombie with a magic wand, like what Harry Potter has got, and has just transmoggyfied his 25 cats into flying thingymebobs, with big vampire teeth, scary big massive claws, tazers and stuff.

(Do you think the OP intended the thread to go this way?)
 
#14
He's now a vampire zombie with a magic wand, like what Harry Potter has got, and has just transmoggyfied his 25 cats into flying thingymebobs, with big vampire teeth, scary big massive claws, tazers and stuff.

(Do you think the OP intended the thread to go this way?)
Hang on - a vampire zombie that can turn things into other things?

HALLAUJEH!!!! Rejoice Brethren (and sisteren as well of course*) 'Tis the END TIMES come at last and we will all be TAKEN UP in his holy cadillac.


*Other versions are not welcome and will be cast down into the pit where Satan belches fire, and enormous devils break wind
both night and day! Hell: where the mind is never free from thetorments of remorse, and your bottom never free from the pricking of little forks!
 
#15
So this is where Dumbledore and Gandalf enter to see who has the biggest wand......
You're not very good at this, are you?

GreyMafia (She of the Princess Leia outfit), is also a witch and has the magic powers to stitch the nasties in his bumhole up, so he can eat his fishfinger butties for his tea without shitting himself.
 
#16
You're not very good at this, are you?

GreyMafia (She of the Princess Leia outfit), is also a witch and has the magic powers to stitch the nasties in his bumhole up, so he can eat his fishfinger butties for his tea without shitting himself.
She's a Good Witch though.
 
#17
Cant be arsed to try and write this in a vaguely literary way, but part of the story/fantasy, should involve someone introducing SausageDogs face to a pin hammer and craft knife.
 
G

goatrutar

Guest
#19
He wakes up bleary eyed at the alarm, the rancid taste of cigarettes, booze and self loathing in his mouth. He crawls off his mattress on the floor to find his gun, time to stick in his mouth and pull the trigger. Except this isnt Hollywood, its not even Brentwood. So instead he staggers to the kitchen to make tea.

Another day of pulling on his grey facade and making the world think he cares. Who knows, maybe he will run someone over on the journey to work. Anything go climb out of the monotonous hole that is life.
Camberwell "Harry" Carrot put on his beige slacks and put a fresh packet of werthers originals in his pocket. He wasn't getting the results he used to with the boiled sweets but he was loathe to break with tradition.
He put his brown loafers on, sighing as he looked at the GPS bracelet around his ankle.


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#20
Meanwhile, Harry, having had his wand destroyed in his previous duel with Voldemort, makes his way to Ollivander's Wand Shop in Diagon Alley.

"Ah, good morning Mr. Potter", smiled Ollivander, "and how can we help you today".

"I need a new wand, Mr. Ollivander. Mine was destroyed by Voldemort, and I need to face him again".

Ollivander grimaced at the sound of Voldemort's name.

"Don't be a cunt, Harry," said Ollivander. "He Who Must Not be Named is the most powerful wizard that ever lived, and no wand will be able to stand against him. You need the most powerful weapon known to man or wizard!"

He bent behind the counter, and produced....






DSC00155.jpg

"That'll sort the flat-faced fucker!"
 

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