Lets talk about bidets

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Vegetius, Oct 7, 2005.

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  1. Hello.

    I have returned from The Continent, which is always a treat. Anyway, one thing that has always fascinated me about going abroad is the different types of toilets, from the German "poo on the shelf" variety to the dodgy Italian "Ski slope into a pond" through to the classic southern European "hole in the ground." However, wherever I go, bidets remain the same; a fcuking sink on the bathroom floor with a dodgy nozzle.

    I have always treated bidets with a great deal of suspicion. Being a proud Englishman, why would I shoot warm water up my arse when I could use itchy, poor quality hotel bog roll? So I've always avoided the dodgy foreign arsenflushen sitting there malevolently in the corner. It's just not right.

    Anyway, friends, I have to tell you that I have finally given into the Dark Side and popped my bidet cherry. What a revelation! I'd enjoyed an eight-course meal, about two litres of rough-as-fcuk country red vino and half a bottle of some odd rural apres-banquet spirit that tasted like Av Gas laced with paprika. The usual. Anyway, when I woke up the next morning for my constitutional I was extremely disturbed to discover that my chalfonts had come out to play. Merde!

    So there I was, sitting on the bog and reading a two-day-old Torygraph at 07:00 with a bum that resembled the Somme on day two. What to do? I couldn't give in and squat on that foreign bidet thingie could I? I'd gone for years without giving in...

    I thought sod it! Time to explore the wider realms of arse sanitation! Time to caress my rectum with a soothing blast of warm water! So I did. It was lovely. Almost too nice, in fact. I left the room feeling slightly soiled, but ironically clean, and I proceeded to share the story with Mrs. Veg ("that's nice" she said).

    So, anyway, there you have it, I am now totally hooked on bidets and am seriously considering colonic irrigation next. Anybody else agree with me that they are definitely the Way Forward?

  2. maninblack

    maninblack LE Book Reviewer

    They are very useful when you have salmonella or dysentery. With the right bathroom layout you can have your chuff over the bidet and blow chunks into the bog at the same time because any big bits will come out of the top rather than the bottom.

    Oh, the memories of Indonesia and Turkey.
  3. Wander over to Japan - they've got combined toilets/bidets there in the hotels.... The myriad of buttons & dials is confusing enough without the instructions in Japanese :!: IIRC I pressed the wrong button and watched the bloody thing recreate "Old Faithful" for what seemed to be a couple of minutes - thank fcuk I wasn't sitting down at the time 8O

  4. RTFQ


    I'm not sure, in the words of that scary bald woman in Skunk Anansie: just because it feels good, doesn't make it right - apparently Bangkok koytoys (sp? Ladyboys anyway) give fantastic gobjobs, but I ain't trying it. I'm not convinced that they're up to the task. Some of my more viscous semi-processed Jalfrezis really don't want to be separated from my bottom beard, and nothing short of the jetwashes at the Hohne washdown point will get the job done. Plus, foreigners smell of sh1t, so it can't be that effective.
  5. cpunk

    cpunk LE Moderator

    You see, you're already on the slippery slope. First it's the bidet ("Honest dear, the old Emma's are playing up and I don't want to use that nasty coarse bog roll"); now you're talking about colonic irrigation; but it can only be matter of time before you decide you want something a bit firmer and chunkier in your arrse and it's either a big, black ten inch strap-on for the wife or, even worse, some hot sweaty man on man action. Repent now before it's too late!
  6. Got one in my bathroom. (where else)

    Only used for the dog. In wanders dog, hits the fawcet to turn on the water drinks from tap, hits fawcet off, then dribbles through the entire house with a dripping mouth. No feckin respect.
  7. I once stayed in a French hotel where the bathroom was so small that the bidet had been put on wheels. It was like a sanitary skateboard attached by a long hose. It gave me the giggles every time I saw it. Oh the fun you could have had with that....
  8. recently i had the fortune to see the oriental version of a bidet on a video clip blue toothed to my phone.

    at least i think that's what it was, it consisted of 2 minutes of one giggling oriental chick feeding baby eels up the backside of another one via a funnel .... now thats what i CALL cleaning yourself out.

    not sure why she neede to put quite so many up there though, as they all seemed to fire out into a bucket in one go.

    all 22 of them 8O

    japs ..... they aint right.
  9. Fcuking bidets ! - what's wrong with doing handstands in the shower?.

    Oh I remember, it's the klinker running down your back into your hair, which then gets combed out. Producing the same comb on arrival at work on a windy day can attract some strange glances.
  10. Dear Vegitus, how nice to hear such a ring warming story. Well done for daring to be European in a fecal sense. Soothing on the old Farmer Giles is it not?

    Hubby's parents have one at their house and since I stopped using it for washing my feet in and actually sat there I have never looked back.

    The old Arschenwaschenflushenwassermachienen is to be recommended.
  11. But how do you dry off without getting your trollies and trews wet? Or does it have a blow dry fitting?

    I also saw a loo in a French restaurant, well in the bathroom not the dining area, that had a revolving loo seat. Once you finished on it the thing revolved and cleaned itself! Bizarre and amusing when drunk!

    And another one in an Austrian hotel when I was a kid that had an extractor fan built in under the seat. As you sat on it the thing whirred and sucked into action. Very practical, but ever so slightly unnerving the first time!
  12. RTFQ,

    From observation in Nana Plaza there are obvious Katoeys and there are the following.... 8O


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  13. cpunk

    cpunk LE Moderator

    8O 8O Now they would test your recognition skills...
  14. Careful cpunk - you're looking at Miss Transvestite Thailand 2005 - a "Miss" Alcazar from that well known beauty spot Pattaya :D

    If you think this lot are bad try Taiwan :!:

  15. Apparently the best time to use a bidet isin the morning before breakfast leading to that imortal line sung by Micheal Jackson:

    "bidet in the morning, when you wake up to the world"

    Sorry I will get my coat and hat :oops: