Hello. I have returned from The Continent, which is always a treat. Anyway, one thing that has always fascinated me about going abroad is the different types of toilets, from the German "poo on the shelf" variety to the dodgy Italian "Ski slope into a pond" through to the classic southern European "hole in the ground." However, wherever I go, bidets remain the same; a fcuking sink on the bathroom floor with a dodgy nozzle. I have always treated bidets with a great deal of suspicion. Being a proud Englishman, why would I shoot warm water up my arse when I could use itchy, poor quality hotel bog roll? So I've always avoided the dodgy foreign arsenflushen sitting there malevolently in the corner. It's just not right. Anyway, friends, I have to tell you that I have finally given into the Dark Side and popped my bidet cherry. What a revelation! I'd enjoyed an eight-course meal, about two litres of rough-as-fcuk country red vino and half a bottle of some odd rural apres-banquet spirit that tasted like Av Gas laced with paprika. The usual. Anyway, when I woke up the next morning for my constitutional I was extremely disturbed to discover that my chalfonts had come out to play. Merde! So there I was, sitting on the bog and reading a two-day-old Torygraph at 07:00 with a bum that resembled the Somme on day two. What to do? I couldn't give in and squat on that foreign bidet thingie could I? I'd gone for years without giving in... I thought sod it! Time to explore the wider realms of arse sanitation! Time to caress my rectum with a soothing blast of warm water! So I did. It was lovely. Almost too nice, in fact. I left the room feeling slightly soiled, but ironically clean, and I proceeded to share the story with Mrs. Veg ("that's nice" she said). So, anyway, there you have it, I am now totally hooked on bidets and am seriously considering colonic irrigation next. Anybody else agree with me that they are definitely the Way Forward? V!