Lets Start a Cult

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Vegetius, Nov 3, 2005.

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  1. I was in Richmond the other day (the proper one in Surrey, BTW) and noticed that the Scientologists had set up a big stall in the high street doing "free Stress Testing" for people. Of course, the only overt clue that they were Scientologists were the L. Ron Hubbard books discretely piled up by their chairs. They were doing brisk business trying to lure people into their rather strange web of GIVING AWAY ALL THEIR MONEY TO WIERDOS but the other thing I noticed was that they seemed to have a disproportionately large number of attractive young women amongst their number.

    Now, L. Ron Hubbard might have been very strange but at one point he had a cruiseship staffed by gorgeous young birds that he used to sail around in. I think he was onto something, after all intergalactic midget thespian Tom Cruise tithes some of his gazillions to this organization, as does John Travolta (etc).

    So let us set up a cult. Imagine the fun selling bits of string and mineral water for fifty quid a pop (Kabbalah) or enjoying orgies with other people's wives (David Koresh). This is before we even consider dancing naked around bonfires on hill tops and stuff. It all sounds great.

    So this is what we need, any suggestions welcome.

    2. DOGMA (i.e. things you aren't allowed to do)
    3. INITIATION RITUAL (I think the ex-public schoolboys might be able to help us out a bit here)
    4. HOLY DAYS
    5. CEREMONIAL GARB (I can't wait!)
    6. HOLY TEXT (from which we draw inspiration and divine power)
    8. GENERAL KINKINESS UNIQUE TO OUR CULT (Mwuahahahahhahaaaaa!!!)

    So there you go. The NAAFI cult kicks off now, my brothers and sisters!

  2. maninblack

    maninblack LE Book Reviewer

    Core Belief.

    Gwars are intrinsically evil and must be oppressed.

    MiB will deal with all the Gwar women in the special re education centre.

    Geoffery Boycott's birthday will be a holy day.

    People will be sold membership of the cult at the checkout of Currys and Dixons when they think they are buying an extended warranty.
  3. The Inquisition to begin with a mission to hunt and destroy all walts.

    Kathy West is an angel who must be worshipped by all.

    Anyone joining the army automatically becomes a fully paid up member of the cult.
  4. RTFQ


    1. CORE BELIEF: The balance of nature was upset after the release of "All the things she said" by tatu and will only be righted once Ellie Crisell has been covered in yoghurt and spanked with a jumbo toblerone. By me.
    2. DOGMA: Zealots should prostrate themselves before Newsround at 1720 every night. When Ellie presents the news, accolytes are to chant "Umm numm Shiva" to ward off bad thoughts. Eating Duck is forbidden because it is a filthy animal.
    3. INITIATION RITUAL: Female members should have a DAF tyre passed over their head and around the body until it reaches the floor. Those who get their tyres stuck on their arrses or outsized thighs are only permitted to work in the fields. Blokes deemed 'a bit of a ponce' or 'a dullard' in accordance with the ancient ways are banned. Any woman who can cross her feet behind her head will be put to work as the Dear Leader (i.e. RTFQ)'s concubine.
    4. HOLY DAYS: Friday afternoons, wednesday afternoons, The second monday in November and Beltane.
    5. CEREMONIAL GARB: The Dear Leader will wear cycling shorts and a beard of bees at all times except when being intimate with his concubines. Women are to wear nurse uniforms, eskimo troos or animal skins, but not all at the same time.
    6. HOLY TEXT: The 1982 Warlord Annual.
    7. WAY OF SUCKERING PEOPLE INTO THE CULT: Dressing as batman and clinging to Buckingham palace as a publicity stunt
    8. GENERAL KINKINESS UNIQUE TO OUR CULT: Everyone will be known as Dave.
  5. Only full members (ie those in the forces) may have relations with women.

    and access to cash.

    all others must hand all their possesions over to the cult and live in purgatory.

    For dress for the less than full members how about Spandex? Complete with head bands and wrist bands. All movement of these people will be done at the double whilst chanting various chants (TBC)

    for full members obviously versace suits will suffice.
  6. maninblack

    maninblack LE Book Reviewer

    The cult will organise a meeting in each major conurbation to celebrate the wearing of burberry and baseball hats.

    These meetings will be held at football stadia as those who wear such items can instinctively find a football stadium.

    Those who attend will be shipped off in cattle wagons for re-education and if unsuccessful then sterilisation and hard labour.
  7. RTFQ, who is this "Ellie Crisell" of whom you speak? Seeing as she sounds like an important figure in Cult Lore I would suggest that we need to know. Perhaps she could be our Goddess of Fertility and Luuurve, along with that Northern Irish bird off Blue Peter.

    MiB: although I understand your frustration, feel your pain and see the need for re-education camps, please remember that we are creating a cult, not a dodgy 1930's totalitarian ideology. Thanks.

  8. Membership only to those that have COMPLETED phase 1, otherwise we'll be over run by chavs who cant complete week 1.

    core belief, the dedication to clense the planet of walts, chavs any pacifist tree huggers, oh, and people who make/wear their own clothes.

    initiation, to be decided at the first inagural meeting, held in the bar at the union jack club

    dress, i choose s10's, lid and speedo's.....................................maybe a cape?

    holy text?.....................chapters 4 to 8 of bravo two zero or the haynes manual for a bmw 316i 92-96, still cant understand it!!
  9. RTFQ


  10. Indeed, she is of pleasing countenance. She may join other Objects of Lust in the Arcane Grotto of Desire.

  11. RTFQ


    She loves me, at least she will once I've finished my special coat
  12. ...and on the High Holy Day on the third week of the seventh month, Ellie did wrestle with Zoe Salmon off Blue Peter in a large copper vat of honey, and, verily, the Faithful did join in.

  13. RTFQ


    That's me not getting any work done today...

    Someone get these two invited on here. It's about time I had some input into the selection process for Forces Sweetheat (not a spelling error :wink: ) The last three have been pretty hanging.
  14. A large copper vat of honey- how disgraceful and degrading for two pure young fillies. 8O

    No what we need is a giant paddling pool filled with warm baby oil for them to wrestle in. :wink: That'll do the trick for me. :oops: :D