I was in Richmond the other day (the proper one in Surrey, BTW) and noticed that the Scientologists had set up a big stall in the high street doing "free Stress Testing" for people. Of course, the only overt clue that they were Scientologists were the L. Ron Hubbard books discretely piled up by their chairs. They were doing brisk business trying to lure people into their rather strange web of GIVING AWAY ALL THEIR MONEY TO WIERDOS but the other thing I noticed was that they seemed to have a disproportionately large number of attractive young women amongst their number. Now, L. Ron Hubbard might have been very strange but at one point he had a cruiseship staffed by gorgeous young birds that he used to sail around in. I think he was onto something, after all intergalactic midget thespian Tom Cruise tithes some of his gazillions to this organization, as does John Travolta (etc). So let us set up a cult. Imagine the fun selling bits of string and mineral water for fifty quid a pop (Kabbalah) or enjoying orgies with other people's wives (David Koresh). This is before we even consider dancing naked around bonfires on hill tops and stuff. It all sounds great. So this is what we need, any suggestions welcome. 1. CORE BELIEF/S 2. DOGMA (i.e. things you aren't allowed to do) 3. INITIATION RITUAL (I think the ex-public schoolboys might be able to help us out a bit here) 4. HOLY DAYS 5. CEREMONIAL GARB (I can't wait!) 6. HOLY TEXT (from which we draw inspiration and divine power) 7. WAY OF SUCKERING PEOPLE INTO THE CULT 8. GENERAL KINKINESS UNIQUE TO OUR CULT (Mwuahahahahhahaaaaa!!!) So there you go. The NAAFI cult kicks off now, my brothers and sisters! V!