Lest we Septics Be Seen As Too Serious All the Time

#1
From my wife of 40 years (39 or so of which have been relatively happy!):


A little smile to start your day!



You can't read this and stay in a bad mood!



1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest ?
They Take The Psychopath

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?

Polaroids

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?

Nacho Cheese.

9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quatro Cinco.

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.

12. Wh at Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.

19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover ?!
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckles On Their Hats.

21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack , Dang!A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer

Now, admit it . . at least one of these made you smile.
 
#2
I don't know about you, but from my perspective, too "serious" is not what the septics are seen as. :roll: :p
 
#3
xena.the.canuck said:
I don't know about you, but from my perspective, too "serious" is not what the septics are seen as. :roll: :p
Point taken--I should have made it reader option-fill in the blank with preferred pejoration! Good catch. :D
 
#5
Porridge_gun said:
Now we know why Benny Hill was so popular and why you bought a bridge :D

It is sad I admit. In my defens(c)e however, I note that this was originally posted at the insistence of, to cite another septic favorite of BBC--Rumpole of the Bailey--SHE WHO MUST BE OBEYED. Some of you other 40 year veterans will know what I mean. :wink:
 
#6
I spent two great years living in the US, at the behest of her Majesty. A great country and they were very funny jokes.

AY
 
#7
Nice to see something in the NAAFI that made me smile and that didn´t involve bodily fluids, walt hunting or chav bashing. Perhaps we should rename it Sandes.
 
#8
Oh f*ck it, I can´t resist lowering the tone.

Why do Americans like doggy style so much?

Because they can both watch the Nas Car.
 
#10
Some of JJ's taps had me sniggering a lot, I must admit, but this has flummoxed me a bit:
Jorrocks said:
Oh f*ck it, I can´t resist lowering the tone.

Why do Americans like doggy style so much?

Because they can both watch the Nas Car.
Anybody who even thinks of "fückin' t'ickie Micks" is gonna get a visit from some hoogely large rellis of mine, who youse really don't want to fück with. So be very careful what youse answer! :D :D :D

MsG
 
#11
One that might fit in with your better half's sense of humour (humor).

Q:What do you call a dog with a short tongue?

A:Smelly balls.

:arrow: Getting my coat on.
 
#13
ArmyYid said:
I spent two great years living in the US, at the behest of her Majesty. A great country and they were very funny jokes.

AY
Glad you enjoyed it! I do like your signature--the precise ethos I demanded of my officers. We summarized it with the admonition:

"Officers are last in the chow line (queue)."
 
#14
Jorrocks said:
Oh f*ck it, I can´t resist lowering the tone.

Why do Americans like doggy style so much?

Because they can both watch the Nas Car.
You had me worried J with your last high brow post. BTW, it is NASCAR (no space). :lol:
 
#16
vvaannmmaann said:
Septics with a sense of humour? An oxymoron surely?
You've got to remember there's a huge difference between a "sense of humour" and a "sense of humor".
 
#17
FlagWagger said:
vvaannmmaann said:
Septics with a sense of humour? An oxymoron surely?
You've got to remember there's a huge difference between a "sense of humour" and a "sense of humor".
Indeed--you really got me on that one.
 
#19
A Frenchman, an Englishman, a Texan and a Mexican are all on a mid-Atlantic flight together. Things are going reasonably peacefully until the plane starts to make some suspicious noises, and then starts sinking rapidly downward.

The captain gets on the intercom and says, “Ladies and gentlemen, we have a problem – an engine has gone out and we’re now flying on three. Unfortunately, the plane is too heavy and we can’t carry everyone to safety. Somebody is going to have to jump out and sacrifice themselves for the rest of the passengers.”

Without hesitation, the Frenchman jumps up, shouts, “Vive le France!” and hurls himself out the emergency exit.

The plane bobs back up and things are all right for a few more minutes. Then suddenly there’s more suspicious noises and the plane starts to sink again.

“Ladies and gentlemen,” says the captain, “I’m afraid that the second engine has gone. We’re now flying on two, and we’re still too heavy. Somebody else is going to have to jump out to save the other passengers.”

The Englishman calmly stands up, adjusts his tie, shouts, “God save the Queen!” and throws himself out the exit.

The plane moves up again, and things seem to be OK until a loud bang. The captain announces, “Ladies and gentlemen, the third engine is gone. We’ve got one left, and we’re all going to die unless one more person jumps out.”

So the Texan leaps out of his seat, shouts “Remember the Alamo!”...and throws out the Mexican.





….and yes, I get to tell these. :D
 
#20
TankiesYank said:
A Frenchman, an Englishman, a Texan and a Mexican are all on a mid-Atlantic flight together. Things are going reasonably peacefully until the plane starts to make some suspicious noises, and then starts sinking rapidly downward.

The captain gets on the intercom and says, “Ladies and gentlemen, we have a problem – an engine has gone out and we’re now flying on three. Unfortunately, the plane is too heavy and we can’t carry everyone to safety. Somebody is going to have to jump out and sacrifice themselves for the rest of the passengers.”

Without hesitation, the Frenchman jumps up, shouts, “Vive le France!” and hurls himself out the emergency exit.

The plane bobs back up and things are all right for a few more minutes. Then suddenly there’s more suspicious noises and the plane starts to sink again.

“Ladies and gentlemen,” says the captain, “I’m afraid that the second engine has gone. We’re now flying on two, and we’re still too heavy. Somebody else is going to have to jump out to save the other passengers.”

The Englishman calmly stands up, adjusts his tie, shouts, “God save the Queen!” and throws himself out the exit.

The plane moves up again, and things seem to be OK until a loud bang. The captain announces, “Ladies and gentlemen, the third engine is gone. We’ve got one left, and we’re all going to die unless one more person jumps out.”

So the Texan leaps out of his seat, shouts “Remember the Alamo!”...and throws out the Mexican.





….and yes, I get to tell these. :D
Ha ha :!: Circa American Werewolf in London. Made me laugh then as well. :D
 

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