Leaving the army - preparing for civvy street

Got sent his today. Well worth a giggle.....


Thinking about leaving the Army ??.......Here is a handy 12 Step Program that may assist your transition:

1. I am in the military, I have problems. This acknowledgment is the first step to recovery...

2. Speech:

Civvy time does not begin with a zero or end in a hundred, ie It is not "zero five three zero" or "fourteen hundred" it is "five thirty" or "two o'clock".
Words like "deck", "fart sack ", and "PT" will get you strange looks; use their proper names eg floor, bed, workout, .
"F*ck" should not be used to replace whatever word you can't think of right now, try "umm".
Grunting is not communicating
It's a phone, not a radio, conversations on a phone do not follow a set procedure and do not end in "out".

3. Style:
Do not put creases in your jeans or on the front of your dress shirts.
Do not iron your collar flat.
A hat indoors does not make you a bad person
You do not have to wear a belt ALL the time.

4. Women:
Not all women like to take orders and most will probably punch you in the nuts if you treat them like one of your diggers .
Being divorced twice by the time you are 25 is not normal, neither are 6 month marriages, even if it is your first.

5. Personal accomplishments:
In the real world, being able to do lots of push-ups will not make you good at your job.
You will disturb most people if you tell them about people you have seen die.
How much pain you can take is not seen as a personal accomplishment.

6. Drinking:
That time you drank a full slab of beer and peed in your wardrobe is not a good conversation starter.
That time you went to the combat survival school and practiced giving vodka IV's will also not be a good conversation point .
7 . Bodily functions:

Farting on your co-workers and then giggling while you run away may be viewed as "childish".
The size of the dump you took yesterday will not be funny no matter how big it was, how much it burned, or how much it stunk .
Don't make fun of someone for being sick, no matter how funny it is.
Getting VD or passing it on will also not be funny.

8 . The human body:
Most people will not want to hear about your nuts, their size, whether they itch, how they fit into your jocks....odd as that may seem, it's true.

9 . Spending habits:
One day, you will have to pay bills.
Buying a $60,000 car on a $35,000 a year salary is a really bad idea.
One day you will need health insurance.

10 . Interacting with civilians:
Making fun of your neighbour to his face for being fat will not be acceptable .

11 . Real jobs in Civvy Street:
They really can fire you.
On the flip side you really can quit.
Screaming at the people that work for you will not be normal, remember they really can quit too.
Taking long smokos will not be acceptable.
Remember it's 9-5 not 0900 to 1700.

12 . The Law:
"Contact counselling " is not condoned .
Your workplace, unlike your command can't save you and probably won't, in fact most likely you will be fired about 5 minutes after they find out you've been arrested.
Fighting is not a normal thing and will get you really arrested, not yelled at before they ask you if you won.

13 . General knowledge:
You can in fact really say what you think about the Prime Minister in public.
Pain is not weakness leaving the body, it's just pain.
People don't wear anything shiny that tells you they are more important then you are, be polite to all.
And Lastly....Read contracts before you sign them, remember what happened the first time........


Book Reviewer
An apparently wanking and that fat bird you shagged is not a good conversation starter.
Hmmm... For years I've been getting away with telling my boss that she'll "never be too old to go across my knee"...

Seems like I've been pushing my luck on the employment front... :lol:
I've got some slope at work marching past my office instead of dragging his feet like he normally does.

I think standing at my office door with a golf club as a pace stick yelling "pick those feet up soldier" may have contributed to his new found interest in the military. :oops:

Well, the fcukin guy was driving me nuts :x
Never being able to resist a 'Double Entendre' comment - that's my downfall. When I first got into this job I was at a Dinner with the MD and a couple of stakeholders - giggling like a loon because these civvy pillocks really didn't think through what they were saying beforehand- it was double entendre heaven, at first I was sniggering and giggling then the beer and wine took effect and comments like "I'm sure she does" (winks) in response to "she likes it" etc didn't go down too well! The point about an entendre comment is that it's only funny at the time - explaining such a comment really deflates its impact value and them being civvies they weren't wired for entendres or sarcasm. Still I never had a naked pint or snogged my mate, but they are not renewing my contract so something registered with them.

Blighty Bound S_Y_N_T
And never mention anything about what you got up to, or would like to get up to with a civi colleague's Grandmother, Mother, sister or daughter. They just get all upset for some reason, and take it so personally :roll:
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