Leaving Speeches

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by indoubitabley, Apr 20, 2007.

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  1. Right, the story is, I'm leaving the Army next month after seven of the best years of my life.

    I've been told from all my colleagues that I'm expected to wow everyone with my leaving speech, because I'm the funny little guy who knows everyone on camp.

    However I really can't be bothered thinking of anything good to say, as I'd rather spend all day reading ARRSE.

    There are the few old quotes that I've already got lined up "I've made lots of good friends in the Army, it's a shame none of them could be here tonight" etc but can anyone pass my way some of the great quotes that have come out of leaving speeches that you have heard.

    p.s. The old "You can all get to fuck" isn't applicable, because I've got to come back in July to collect the claim from my resettlement.
  2. "Thank you all for a great send off that I'm assuming I'll get after I finish speaking?" ... or ...

    "This speech has been vetted by the CO. If you don't like the content either (a) moan at him or (b) what are you going to do, fire me?"
  3. On a similar theme:

    "I've been through a lot during my time in the Army, fortunately none of them turned up today."

    Actually thinking about it, that line probably works better at weddings.

    How about:

    "I have never met such a workshy, buckshee, jack group of cretins as you shower of b@stards."

    Worked quite well in my last motivational speech to my chaps.
  4. Lie to them, just like they've been lying to you.

    Only joking Indoobs.
  5. It is a lie actually.

    I'm known as the fat fecker who hasn't done any work in the last 3 months.

    Strangely, I'm getting more respect for that than I ever did when I pretended to care!!!
  6. Fallingbostel SNCO dine out 1991 -

    "Some of you are really good eggs and I will miss you! Some of you are right ba'stards and I hope too see you in hell! Those of you who are unsure into which group you fall, are just cun'ts!"

    Also during a long, badly written, badly timed and boring character assassination speech the following comment was heard from the floor:

    "When you get to the punch line can you raise your arm, we don't know when to laugh!"
  7. Old standby lines

    "Remember if any of you are passing my home in the future- keep fcuking going".

    I would like to say how much I have enjoyed my time here - but I haven't so I

    "I have made two lists. One of the things I liked about you lot (take very very
    small bit of paper from pocket) and one of the things that p1ssed me off (unroll
    very long scroll or have london phone book sized pile of paper)"

    Or if you want to be popular for the evening.

    "Had a great time, the port is on me. Goodbye"
  8. One unpopular officer (and he knew it) was being dined out. He stood up to make his speech - "Gentlemen, I would just like to thank everyone who has helped me since I have been at the regiment...." - and then he sat back down again.
  9. I always used the one stolen from Arnold Rimmer of Red Dwarf fame.

    "Over the last XX years, I have come to regard you all as people that I have met."

    I said it at a leaving speech after a NATO posting, only for the US Army Major to come up and tell me that it was one of the nicest and deepest sentiments he had heard....
  10. I was going to use "Of all the people I have met, you are some of them" but I think that's a better one.