LazyCaretaker own hoop stuff

Discussion in 'The ARRSE Hole' started by LazyCaretaker, Dec 5, 2006.

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  1. 1. know anything about a car except its colour

    2. understand a film plot

    3. go 24 hours without sending a text message

    4. lift

    5. throw

    6. run

    7. park

    8. fart

    9. read a map

    10. rob a bank

    11. resist Ikea

    12. sit still

    13. tell a joke

    14. play pool

    15. pay for dinner

    16. eat a kebab whilst walking

    17. pee out of a train window

    18. argue without shouting

    19. get told off without crying

    20. understand fruit machines

    21. walk past a shoe shop

    22. make a decent bacon sandwich

    23. not comment on a strangers clothes

    24. use small amounts of toilet paper

    25. let you sleep with a hangover

    26. drink a pint gracefully

    27. get a round in

    28. throw a punch

    29. do magic

    30. like your friends

    31. enjoy porn

    32. eat a really hot curry

    33. get to the point

    34. buy plain envelopes

    35. take less than 20 minutes in the toilet

    36. sit in a room for five minutes without saying "I'm cold"

    37. go shopping without telephoning 20 mates

    38. avoid credit card debt

    39. dive into a pool

    40. assemble furniture

    41. roll a bogey between finger and thumb

    42. set a video recorder

    43. not try and change you

    44. watch a war film

    45. understand why flirting results in violence

    46. spend a day by themselves

    47. go to the toilet by themselves

    48. buy a purse that fits in their pocket

    49. choose a video quickly

    50. get this far without having argued with at least 1 of
    the above
  2. 1. It makes it easier in the car park.
    2. What’s to understand? Surely it’s man has big gun with never ending supply of ammo, man kills many baddies against overwhelming odds, man cops off with good looking bird even if he’s 104 and looks like Mr Burns.
    3. Men are worse, check out my saved messages.
    4. Lifting is unnecessary unless you’re dating a paraplegic.
    5. What? You want to play fetch?
    6. We prefer to stand our ground.
    7. We just have a different style.
    8. I’ll concede this one for proprieties sake.
    9. Reading a map isn’t the problem, it’s the unmarked roundabouts that screw us up.
    10. Lifting wallets is easier and far safer.
    11. Actually it’s flatpack were drawn to. Anything that makes a man a grown man cry is alluring.
    12. You’d soon complain about the lack of clean socks if we did.
    13. Knock, knock …. Oh hang on I’ve forgotten the punch line. Ok I’ll have to concede this one too.
    14. A good thing when playing strip pool surely?
    15. We pay, just not in the usually currency.
    16. We can, we do … I have the stains on my blouse to prove it.
    17. My god, what an impressive skill!
    18. We don’t bottle things up.
    19. NO COMMENT. ~the information you require is restricted~
    20. We do, which is why we don’t play them.
    21. Would you prefer we wore trainers with everything like men do?
    22. It’s too simple and doesn’t require a new set of saucepans.
    23. I can’t refute that.
    24. Bollx.
    25. We know what’s best.
    26. Can you?
    27. Call it payment up front.
    28. We have fantastic knee action though.
    29. We leave the sleight of hand to you and stick to the miracles.
    30. See your own number 45.
    31. I have a whole rant about this I may post later.
    32. We aren’t stupid.
    33. After half an hour of beating around the bush we find you’ll agree to most things.
    34. Tesco value … can’t get plainer.
    35. We’re busy reading what’s been written about you.
    36. Guilty.
    37. Not applicable here. I hate phoning anyone.
    38. If you gave us all your wages we wouldn’t need a credit card.
    39. We just aren’t big show offs.
    40. Another from the annuls of Men and Myths.
    41. Can you swallow jizz?
    42. NO COMMENT. ~the information you require is restricted~
    43. True of younger women.
    44. “I’d rather work for 20 Germans than 1 Frenchman.”
    45. And men do?
    46. When do we get the chance?
    47. Always need a mucker to pass the loo roll under the door.
    48. Our pockets usually contain your carkeys, inhaler, smokes and other sundries.
    49. Not porn again. Quick enough?
    50. Ummmmmm……. Bollx!
  3. Good comments, take a while to think up the answers.
  4. I can swallow, can u
  5. 51. Walk past anything reflective without stopping to admire themselves.

    52. See a cushion without "plumping" it.
  6. Speak for yourself Bob.
  7. Please sign the card


    Merry Christmas to every service person in all armed services, have a Happy New Year and return safetly to all your Families.

  8. This is creepy!

    Think of a letter between
    A and W...

    Repeat it Out loud as
    You scroll down...

    Keep going ...
    Don't stop

    Think of an
    That begins
    With that letter...

    Repeat it
    Out loud
    As you
    Scroll down...

    Think of
    Either a man's/woman's
    With the
    Last letter
    In the
    Animals name...


    Count out
    The letters
    In that name
    On the fingers
    Of the hand
    You are not
    Using to
    Scroll down...

    Take the
    Hand you
    Counted with
    And hold it out
    In front of you
    At face level...

    Look at your
    Very closely

    Do the lines
    Take the
    Form of the
    First letter in the
    Persons name?

    Of course not.......

    Now smack
    Yourself in the head, get a life,
    Quit playing
    e-mail games!
  9. That quick witted you can't be anything to do with the Army :wink:
  10. May the Rose of England never bloom,
    May the Thistle never grow,
    May the Harp of Ireland never play,
    Until the Royal Marines get more pay.
  11. Heinz Beanz are good for your heart
    the more you eat, the more you fart
    the more you fart, the better you feel... eat Heinz Beanz with every meal!
  12. There's a dirty little shitehouse, to the north of Waterloo,
    And another for the ladies further down.
    They were run by Sally Tucker, for a shilling you could fcuk her,
    And sleep with her for half a crown.
    She was called Sally Tucker by the men who used to fcuk her,
    But her real name was Tuloola Johnson Black.,
    And when it came to screwing, she knew what she was doing,
    And earned a pretty penny on her back.
    By the colour of her britches, She was the dirtiest of bitches,
    For she never seemed to give the buggers a wash.
    But the smell from her vagina was more infinitly finer,
    Than any rum or gin or orange squash.
    One day she had a ride, with a sailor from the Clyde,
    And she wondered why he held her very close,
    But when he finished screwing, she knew what he'd been doing,
    For he'd left her with a good and proper dose.
    She gave it to her father, who gave it to her mother,
    Who gave it to the Reverend John Brown.
    Who gave it to a cousin, who gave it to a dozen,
    And now its half way round the town.
    Now thers a sailor up in Glasgee, thats squeezing really badly,
    You can easily say his cocks got a real bad case of pox.
    And you can pick it, You can scratch it, but if you ere can detach it,
    You're better man than I am, Gunga Din.
  13. In the depths of Darkest Africa
    Where the Yanks have never been
    Lies the body of an elephant
    Fcuked to death by a Royal Marine
  14. I thought this up some time ago, always use it to say sorry. Try it it works.


    Changes always come along, in big or small ways. I don't know what happened that this sudden change has turned my world upside down. I don't know exactly what it is, it just hit me, but there is something really special about you.

    It might be all the things I see on the surface, the things that everyone notices and admires about you, qualities, capabilities and a wonderful smile obviously connected to a warm and loving heart; these things set you apart from everyone else. But it may also be the big things ... the person you really are that I hope to know more someday. And it might also be the little things ... the way you walk and all your actions. I receive so much joy just being able to see a smile in your eyes. If I ever figure out the magic that makes you so special, I'd probably find out that it's a combination of all these things. You are a rare combination of so many special things. You are really amazing.

    Inside of me there is a place where my sweetest dreams reside, where my highest hopes are kept alive, where my deepest feelings are felt and where my favourite memories are safe and warm. I find that you're on my mind more often than any other thought. Sometimes I bring you there purposely just to make my day brighter. But more often, you surprise me and find your own ways into my thoughts. There are even times when I awaken, I realize that you've been a part of my dreams. Then during the day, when my imagination is free to run, it takes me into your arms and allows me to linger there knowing there's nothing I'd rather do. I know my thoughts are only reflecting the loving hopes of my heart because whenever they wander, they always take me to you.

    Only the most special things in my world get to come inside my heart and stay. And now, I realize how deeply my life has been touched by you.

    And to say Sorry.
  15. Shallow, emotionally manipulative and cloyingly sentimental.

    Sir, you are a star. I trust you shall undertake the instruction of a padawan soon? Such talents as yours must be gifted to the ages.