Last words

theoriginalphantom

MIA
Book Reviewer
"You wouldn't dare"
 

SpudGunny

War Hero
Not last words per se but my OHs colleague died in December and was cremated.

She was only 38 and knew she was on the way out for a while so she planned her own memorial and had a bit of fun with it. It turned into a proper session with booze and bands and it was a fitting celebration of a (short) life well lived.

Her 'urn' is a novelty ghost shaped cookie jar that goes 'Wooooooooooo' when opened.
 
Well its time to sort the last wills and testaments out in case I fall off a log. I've been asked to write letters of estrangement for three of my kids and here is what they will be opening when I've departed.

I thought I'd share one of them for a laugh. The other two are quite amusing, but this is the one that tickled me most



Hey Son,

If you are reading this letter son then you will be aware that I have exited this mortal coil (as they say). In other words, I’m dead mate.

I wanted to take some time to write to you as I was always very saddened by your decision to end our relationship. I reflected on it from time to time, and I always asked how you were getting on. I never stopped loving you.

You are probably wondering about my estate and my will. As a result of the way in which you behaved, I have made a point of excluding you from any inheritance. You will receive nothing from me because of our estrangement. I’m not sure if you feel bitter about this, whether you are surprised or whether you care. I subscribed to a very simple philosophy in my life, which is ‘if you are good in life, life is good to you’. You behaved like a cnut and I am treating you like a cnut. You are getting fcuk all.

My father gave me some great advice when I when was young, having met your mother, which was ‘I’d ditch that at a rate of knots son – its gob is too big for its own good’. He was ex Royal Navy – hence the reference to knots, but his advice was sound. I wish I had taken it.

I gave you a piece of advice about that thing you found yourself with, which was ‘bin the fat munter’. She has probably led you a shit life and FFS sake son, she was ugly. It’s not often you meet someone with no redeeming features, but she very firmly sits in that space. Jesus son – what a fat fcuking dog.

Right. That’s off my chest and I’m glad I said it. I love you to bits mate even now, but bin the munter!

Take care and have fun.

Dad
 
Well its time to sort the last wills and testaments out in case I fall off a log. I've been asked to write letters of estrangement for three of my kids and here is what they will be opening when I've departed.

I thought I'd share one of them for a laugh. The other two are quite amusing, but this is the one that tickled me most



Hey Son,

If you are reading this letter son then you will be aware that I have exited this mortal coil (as they say). In other words, I’m dead mate.

I wanted to take some time to write to you as I was always very saddened by your decision to end our relationship. I reflected on it from time to time, and I always asked how you were getting on. I never stopped loving you.

You are probably wondering about my estate and my will. As a result of the way in which you behaved, I have made a point of excluding you from any inheritance. You will receive nothing from me because of our estrangement. I’m not sure if you feel bitter about this, whether you are surprised or whether you care. I subscribed to a very simple philosophy in my life, which is ‘if you are good in life, life is good to you’. You behaved like a cnut and I am treating you like a cnut. You are getting fcuk all.

My father gave me some great advice when I when was young, having met your mother, which was ‘I’d ditch that at a rate of knots son – its gob is too big for its own good’. He was ex Royal Navy – hence the reference to knots, but his advice was sound. I wish I had taken it.

I gave you a piece of advice about that thing you found yourself with, which was ‘bin the fat munter’. She has probably led you a shit life and FFS sake son, she was ugly. It’s not often you meet someone with no redeeming features, but she very firmly sits in that space. Jesus son – what a fat fcuking dog.

Right. That’s off my chest and I’m glad I said it. I love you to bits mate even now, but bin the munter!

Take care and have fun.

Dad
You should ps with “Only joking, the money’s buried under the AAARRGGHH!”
 

Kirkz

LE
Well its time to sort the last wills and testaments out in case I fall off a log. I've been asked to write letters of estrangement for three of my kids and here is what they will be opening when I've departed.

I thought I'd share one of them for a laugh. The other two are quite amusing, but this is the one that tickled me most



Hey Son,

If you are reading this letter son then you will be aware that I have exited this mortal coil (as they say). In other words, I’m dead mate.

I wanted to take some time to write to you as I was always very saddened by your decision to end our relationship. I reflected on it from time to time, and I always asked how you were getting on. I never stopped loving you.

You are probably wondering about my estate and my will. As a result of the way in which you behaved, I have made a point of excluding you from any inheritance. You will receive nothing from me because of our estrangement. I’m not sure if you feel bitter about this, whether you are surprised or whether you care. I subscribed to a very simple philosophy in my life, which is ‘if you are good in life, life is good to you’. You behaved like a cnut and I am treating you like a cnut. You are getting fcuk all.

My father gave me some great advice when I when was young, having met your mother, which was ‘I’d ditch that at a rate of knots son – its gob is too big for its own good’. He was ex Royal Navy – hence the reference to knots, but his advice was sound. I wish I had taken it.

I gave you a piece of advice about that thing you found yourself with, which was ‘bin the fat munter’. She has probably led you a shit life and FFS sake son, she was ugly. It’s not often you meet someone with no redeeming features, but she very firmly sits in that space. Jesus son – what a fat fcuking dog.

Right. That’s off my chest and I’m glad I said it. I love you to bits mate even now, but bin the munter!

Take care and have fun.

Dad
Bit long winded.
I'd have put...
I'm dead, you and the fat munter are getting **** all.
Love Dad.
 
I'd have gone with something to remember me by:

"Dear son

The money you thought you'd inherit has instead been spent buying something you deserve: a vicious beating to be dispensed at a time and place you least suspect.

Enjoy the wait.

Dad."
 
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