Lap Dance Virginity

#1
Thursday night I was stuck in West Brom at a sales meeting thinking that my life couldn't get any duller until a couple of the lads came bounding into the conference room beaming like school boys at the sight of their first chubby on!

When I asked what the score was, they had noticed a lap dancing bar across the way from our hotel needless to say that night after a few beers this was to become the ERP to escape the crusties who refused to clock off work.

Sitting their I had the moral dilemma... do I continue to listen to the boss man droll on about GP1, looking at the hair he had growing from his nose and wondering if at the age of 68 he still gave it to his missus up the "wrong un". Or do I join my well adjusted colleges in the titty titty bar.... ? For the record i must add bean flicking is not my bag, give me a big hetro tiger of a man any day but the minge won, call it curiosity?

I felt a little apprehensive as I entered the titty titty bar, my last venture into one only lasted 15 minutes. We ended up getting escorted out as one lad couldn't resist jamming the top of his bottle up the hoop of the girl gyrating infront of him. So I guess at that point I could have described myself as a "Lap Dancing Virgin"

I grabbed a drink & joined my colleges ringside (fnar fnar)... as i watched the lass swinging like a chimp round the pole, i couldnt help noticing the lighting display in the ceiling had 3 bulbs missing.

As the evening went on i thought "in for a penny in for a pound" and joined one of the lads for a private dance, in fits of giggles i sat there as she made me part my legs. I looked up at my college as she wiggled her norks in my face, he looked as though all his Christmas's had come at once especially has she bent over & slid her knickers off... however he didnt seem so impressed when i piped up "cor pet was it shredded wheat for breakfast, I think I got a glimpse there" !!

Do other Arrsers have any memorable "first times"
 

cpunk

LE
Moderator
#2
Brings to mind my first venture onto the Reeperbahn in Hamburg. My tourist guide for the night,an SNCO who must remain nameless, 'knew a little place' where the birds were fabulous and the action so erotic your 'nads would detonate like fire extinguishers in the pit lane at Silverstone.

Liar.

After handing over 15DM for a small glass of beer, we took our places in the hushed auditorium (hushed because there was hardly anyone else there) and watched a series of pole dances from women who were old enough to be my mother, a post-op transexual doing painful looking things with a vibrator - which he/she interrupted occasionally in order to fart raucously - and, as the grand finale, a black guy with an unconvincing 'Jackson 5' wig and a schlong like a hosepipe shagging a scrawny, spotty white chick. Wow. Fab. Actually, the kebab I ate a bit later on was more pert and attractive than any of the blart on offer.

Mon Cherie's on the Stuttgarter Platz in Berlin was much better...
 
#3
Call me old fashoined but the thought of a spotty munter in built up shoes showing me her breakfast does nothing for me.

They are generally ugly and lacking personality with crap norks and bad breath....... There are far prettier hornier birds out on the town, getting them to show you thier breakfast without having to pay them is a far greater skill.

I prefer the 'intimidate the wh0re' method were you tell them they are crap and dance like Joey Deacon whilst telling them you have seen prettier snatches stapled on the back of a camel, then lick your finger, slide it in thier back box and await removal by the gorilla's :D
 
#4
The Golden Gate in Frankfurt, near the Hauptbahnhof. My boss' favourite haunt, we'd end up there once a month when he took us out for drinks. Nothing special on offer, in fact my pal Carmen (a contortionist) did far better pole dancing during the intermission than the main acts. We weren't paying for entrance or for the drinks though, so no moaning went on, other than the faux ecstasy of the dancing girls! :D :lol:
 
G

Goku

Guest
#5
During my student days I was fortunate enough to live round the corner from For Your Eyes Only.
Grate lap dancing chain, quality girls, beer a little on the expensive side.
On a Tuesday they used to have student night where if you showed you NUS card you could get in for a £1 before 11pm and all private dances were £5 before 11pm.
Strip clubs couldn’t get any better, or so I thought.
Last year I stayed with my friend in Edinbrough.
I can’t remember the name of the pub we went to, but it doubled at a strip club. The beer was cheap (brilliant), the entrance fee was cheap (brilliant) and the girls age ranged from 18 (brilliant) to about 40 (I’m not to fond of milf).
One of the more mature dancers had a trick she was quite found of.
After removing her string-like pants, she would thrust her fist deep inside her lamb chops and pull out a fist full of cheese and juice.
Very funny to see her flick it at the nearest bod while I stood well away.
 
#7
If the smell of disinfectant was overpowering: The Western Bar.

-Or so I've heard said.
 
G

Goku

Guest
#8
No, but it wasn’t far from the centre.
That doesn’t really help though does it :)
 
#10
Goku said:
After removing her string-like pants, she would thrust her fist deep inside her lamb chops and pull out a fist full of cheese and juice.
Now that is arousing...... my pods just tightened and my helmet swelled :D

Like every squaddie I've been to a couple of live sex shows and peep shows in Hamburg / hannover / Amsterdam etc

The most entertained I've ever been in a place like that was when my mucker whom Sam_Fisher knows well failed to get it up when two stunners were taking it in turns to chomp on his musket......

When they removed thier heads and started to snog each other around some other lucky fcukers hampton all you could see was his shrivelled todger looking like it had been exposed to a blizzard before trying to climb back inside himself....... He's been mocked about his feeble c0ck to this day.

Dozybint said:
The Golden Gate in Frankfurt, near the Hauptbahnhof. Nothing special
Thanks for that gripping interlude :D
 
G

Goku

Guest
#11
evilgenius said:
Burke and Hare?
Honestly don’t remember the name, it was a year ago and it’s not my town.
I’ll ask my friend if he remembers the name.
 
#12
Mighty_doh_nut said:
I prefer the 'intimidate the wh0re'method
I tried this too, when she was giving us her run through of what we'd get for our £15 (each!), i enquired how much for a kidney punch & simultanious fingering of the rivet... her minder said "you are not allowed to touch the girls"

I said "i wasnt up for giving but receiving" :lol:

I dont think she found it funny anyway i soon forgot as she started wiggling her jublies, i couldnt stop looking at the beef burgers she had signed out for nipples. :lol:
 
#13
I refer you all to the Queen Anne in Vauxhall, a well kept secret and bona fide cultural gem. A mere stone's throw from Parliament you will find a small council estate and a scrubby patch of grass on which stands this fine establishment.

Inside very bored Latvian students/ local single mums/ raddled old slappers strip for a pound-a-go on a badly carpeted piece of MDF "catwalk" whilst the staff patrol the gents to make sure nobody is spuffing all over the walls.

Class.

Beer is however stunningly cheap for what is, after all, Central London.

During one of my (frequent) visits there were a load of City Boys there with one of their female colleagues who was a very attractive lady in a short-skirted power suit and a "Why-Miss-Jones-You're-Beautiful" hair and glasses combo. She was watching the girls and clearly (very clearly) finding them a bit of a turn-on.

As you can imagine, all the blokes were watching her and not the strippers. I left her a quid on the way out, which got a laugh.

I commend this establishment highly to fellow ARRSERs.

V!
 
#14
Vegetius said:
I refer you all to the Queen Anne in Vauxhall, a well kept secret and bona fide cultural gem. A mere stone's throw from Parliament you will find a small council estate and a scrubby patch of grass on which stands this fine establishment.

Inside very bored Latvian students/ local single mums/ raddled old slappers strip for a pound-a-go on a badly carpeted piece of MDF "catwalk" whilst the staff patrol the gents to make sure nobody is spuffing all over the walls.

Class.

Beer is however stunningly cheap for what is, after all, Central London.

During one of my (frequent) visits there were a load of City Boys there with one of their female colleagues who was a very attractive lady in a short-skirted power suit and a "Why-Miss-Jones-You're-Beautiful" hair and glasses combo. She was watching the girls and clearly (very clearly) finding them a bit of a turn-on.

As you can imagine, all the blokes were watching her and not the strippers. I left her a quid on the way out, which got a laugh.

I commend this establishment highly to fellow ARRSERs.

V!
I had to go in here once on the way to the station - it was preferable to walking across Spring Gardens without a minder. Wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. one of my colleagues put £20 in the tin and tried to tell me the girls were working their way though university
 
#15
'Browns' at Shoreditch is a good one. But beware of fights, the bouncers tend to break them up using swords.
 
#16
Q club, Bordon... classy I know. End of course celebrations. Initial instigator of going there was fellow female (only 2 of us on course), which immediately grabbed attention of rest of lads (think they were hoping to see a bit of liver licking action between her and stripper).

Anyway, stripper must have been 50 if she was a day... little 'serving wench' outfit (think you can get them in Ann Summers... prefer the nun one myself). Think the old lady in 'something about mary' - orange tan, leathery skin, bleached blonde hair in dodgy fallen out perm... now add fm boots, a riding crop and the wench outfit. :?

So she picks up the youngest looking craftie (poor thing was a quivering wreck... first time away from home I think! :lol: ) and tied him to a chair. Rips his shirt open and covers him in whipped cream / shaving foam (hard to tell when you're crying with laughter). She rubs it in and then thwacks him on his little boy pidgeon chest until nasty red welts appear. Oh, he's blindfolded by the way... She then sticks the end of her riding crop up her minge and then rubs that on his face, in his mouth, up his nose.

Poor boy was very quiet for the rest of the week.... developed a nice cold sore too - but that could have been coincedence! Imagine granny fanny batter... 8O
 
#17
Used to work for a very dodgy man indeed. He claimed his business was an entertainments agency. I have neve seen so many munters in all my life. I had just been told to fark off and sort my knee problem out by the green machine and getting my kit off for a few bob seemed like a good idea at the time. So, i turned up for my 'audition' to be greeted by the fat, sweaty, pregnant duck looking peado sat in his living room with a camera in his hand.
Told him to fark off when he asked me to get naked. Told him he was not going to get a free show out of me. So off we pop to a strange little side pub in Aberdeen, Oh Henry's(more like oh fcuk)
Not what i was expecting at all. In the corner were the regulars. Old men with a bag full of sweeties for the girls and a fistfull of tokens.
Grotty old men they were but they always bought dances so were classed as the girls bread and butter. Was on stage that afternoon with 2 student nurses. Both were told there was a market for overeweight dancers..just not in that particular place. Overheard one being told to lose at least 3 stone beofre she thought about coming back. Another girl had a very bad case of nerves and had to be half cut before getting up on stage. She spent most of our changing time on the bog schitting out last nights dinner. She never did wash her bits before bending over in front of the punters. A certain young girl was forever being berated on stage for having no t1ts. She was later sacked for letting the punters shove whatever they liked up her. In her defence, she said she liked how the cold Coke can felt. Never met such a bunch of fcuked up misfits in all my life!
 
G

Goku

Guest
#18
Goku said:
evilgenius said:
Burke and Hare?
Honestly don’t remember the name, it was a year ago and it’s not my town.
I’ll ask my friend if he remembers the name.
Intel just in.
It was the Burke and Hare, I recommend it for anyone in Edinbrough looking for a filthy show.
 
#19
If it's the Burke and Hare, I've just come up trumps.

I'm moving into a new flat on thursday, and I can see Burke and Hare from the front door. I'm guessing it's only about 15 metres away.

As a Lap Dance virgin, getting a flat in the middle of the Pubic Triangle may well be one of the most entertaining decisions I've ever made.

Very happy man, I am.
 

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