LANO Jumps

My (not any more) Brother in Law recently participated in what can only be described as a "LANO" jump.

Low Altitude (6th floor flat) No Opening, which, funnily enough, left him a bit dead after disposing of his leg bones, spleen, liver, kidneys, spine and neck, plus a fractured skull and brain damage. In all fairness though it did take him 8 hours to eventually release the mortal coil after failing his Para Roll drills on the deck.

Now, the initial thoughts, seen as he was a methadone addicted alcoholic that was recently released back into humanity and two weeks away from a rehab clinic (again), was that he had offed himself. However, his mates have now said that he was only "messing about" and didn't really mean it when he climbed out on to the balcony, climbed down the rails and then hung off them. He apparently asked for help to get back in but then fcuked it by doing an Icarus and finding out that Special Brew didn't actually give you levitational abilities.

Anyway, I digress. My two main points are this.

1.My missuses family are skint and apparently, even if you are a state scrounging scum bag drug user, someone still has to pay for the funeral. They have asked me to cough up. Should I stick to my morals and say "No, let his mates smoke him through a crack pipe", or should I respect my birds feelings in her loss and just bite the bullet, pay for the BBQ and demand oral off her every day for ever?

2.What tips would you give to any future aborted "messing about" when I/they/you might find another junkie “hanging from a balcony” for a laugh and then realising that opiates and tramp lager do not give you super human abilities? Is it best to do a "floppy man" and crumple in a heap or should the traditional "legs together, into a roll, Wild Geese Stylie" action be adopted?

Answers to question 2 should be carefully thought through as I may offer the advice at the funeral. Apparently a lot of his mates are turning up from several parts of the country, these being the parts where he was arrested and incarcerated for drug possession. I'm sure that the company that I will be in for the absolute minimum amount of time that I have to spend there will be “interesting” to say the least.

Any compassionate and well thought through responses will be gratefully received.
In response to your question i would say to part 1) fcuk off you chav, benefit scrounging fcuks! Let him have the council burial he deserves in a cardboard box, seeing as he contributed to fcuk all to society anyway!!

Part 2 deserves a little more thought: How about: Let this be a lesson to you chav fcuks, if you dont end up falling off a balcony somewhere off your tits on drugs and booze, then you sure as fcuk will end up on the Jeremy Kyle show bitching about your scabby drug habit and how much of a chav, thieving, alcoholic wife beating scum bag you are!!!

Hope this helps! :p
Obviously in your "Distress" you are not thinking things through clearly.

On the afternoon of the fumigation set up walk through tours of the 6th floor flat for the chav scum and charge 5 quid a head for the pleasure. Ask for volunteers to re-create the tragedy, like lemmings, lead the chavs to the slaughter whilst you deftly slip out the back door.

As for part 1, get yourself a few broken pallets and knock up a "burner" crate for him. Throw a bit of old paint on it from the garden shed and you'll be the hero of the day. Job jobbed.
I think if you are going to cough up you should have some say in the choice of music at the event. Could I suggest the chorus from Tom Petty's Freefallin' might be appropriate.

Are any of his mates claiming to be the second man on the balcony?

Sometimes, God shows us he might actually exist.

Why was the stupid cünt hanging off a 6th floor balcony anyway?

I'v got an alcoholic soft drug user opposite me, but can I get the cünt near heavy traffic or upper floors? No chance! He'll probably outlive clean living healthy me, the scrounging inebriate peasant!!!

I'd love to have been on that balcony. I would have stamped on his fingers. I have an irrational hatred of all junkies.
Commiserations Aunty S, an obviously dearly loved member of your kith and kin has shuffled off this mortal coil, I feel your pain.
I can, if you, wish start a memorial page on which other ARRSErs could contribute their heartfelt sympathies for your recent berevement.

Now on to the serious stuff, I'd say bollix let the Council pay for a paupers funeral. If the Family want full honours and a fly past from the Red Arrows let them get a loan.
I know a BJs a BJ but will you be on short rations for ever if you don't cough up?

As for suggestions for future Numpty Non-Paras get as many as you can hopped up to the eyeballs then lead them on a pilgrimage to the scene of the dearly departeds launch pad if you put in a bit of preparation, loosening of railings, smearing a greasy pen'orth of chips across the balcony area and perhaps a screening of 'A Bridge Too Far' to get them into the Airbourne frame of mind, who knows you maybe able to see off a few more. :twisted:
You get a grant off "the social" I think . But an environmental funeral with cardboard coffin can be very economical. Hold the wake in a pub and let them buy their own. My condolences on your sad loss.
OH dear sorry to hear for your loss. It was a shame that the local street cleaners couldn't just have shoveled him up and placed him the the passing bin lorry, job would have been jobbed
Hmmmm a tricky one, Perhaps you could persuade the local Council that he was in fact Hindu, before you know it they''d be piling up the kindling on the banks of a river and providing a funeral the likes of which haven't been seen since Ghandis spirit was despatched to the great sky God.

Regarding his mates, the solution is clear, as a tribute to their "Fallen" comrade, persuade them to form a LANO display team whereby they all jump from the balcony and link up in formation, film it, send it in to you've been framed and claim your £250 pounds.

Get drunk with the proceeds and or hire a prostitue thus turning tragedy into something noble.
RIP gone to the great crack house in the sky, May your syringe always be full.

If you wont pay for the funeral just leave him in the hospital fridge or donate his body to science like one of those research places wee they dump a body out in a field and see how long it takes to decompose so they can train police etc. I think they will even pay for the cardboard box.
So your brother in law was genuinely the 1st man off the balcony? Surely deserving of a proper funeral?
If for nothing other than sparing you from enduring the many years he would have plagued your life should he have had a greater awareness of his own mortality.

Pay for the minimum required and make sure your Mrs repays your kindness for many years to come
Maybe there should be some sort of social fund to ENCOURAGE these drug addled parasites to indulge in such morally responsible behaviour and ensure their polluted sub-human genes are erased for ever and a day from the gene-pool. If his mates had any sense of moral responsibility, they themselves would perform a lemming dive at his wake in honour of this upstanding individual.

I beleive the Hyatt Carlton Hotel in London has a bar up above the tenth floor - any chance of holding the wake there? A skip placed at the bottom with a few crack-pipes and a case of Special Brew in it should ensure a good, clean, sim-45 exit.

The walting para-cnut.


Book Reviewer
1. I would think that you should get the scummies to muck in and pay for the funeral with the promise of a crack pipe each as a final hurrah from you when they've coughed up. It's what he would have wanted etc etc.

2. What your brother in law attempted to do was a very, very brave, albeit almost inhumanly hard thing to try. You know of no man alive who could drink that much, have a hit AND actually achieve the nirvana of hanging from that balcony for 10 minutes with one hand? Do any of his mates? Have they got the bottle? Well? Have they? No, didn't think so; your brother in law was harder than all of them put together. His record shall remain unbeaten, forever, but in honour of his memory, and to prove that nobody was harder, you are going to initiate the annual (maybe weekly if it becomes popular) 'LANO Trophy Hang', with the prize for the one who can beat the 10 minute record being a month's worth of Special Brew and an oz of barely cut smack, and a punch-bowl full of the finest, purest cocaine, and a large ladle.
duffdike said:
OT as it was an "operational jump" he now qualifies for his para wings.
bollox I'd say that he def failed his jumps course RTU the cunt.

Q1. prove your a better man and pay for the funeral via a loan and charge your outlaws 1745% interest MDN to collect any arrears.

Q2. Can I come to the BBQ I'll bring some Enville Ale.

Thirldy as you are obviously traumatised by your loss fancy a pint or seven tonight at the Bull and Bladder? You can buy the first round (especially if you ain't carrying your ARRSE coin)
Grease the floor, saw through the railing, then invite his cronies to view the scene of the accident.

Use a fire hose to finish off any survivors still hanging on to the jagged edge.

Recover costs from your missus again and again and again and again....

Post the video on red tube.
I feel your loss.....check the matress druggie's hide the drug stash there and add harpic & flour to " bulk it up" sell it to his grief riddled buddies for an extorsionate amount, that should pay for the funeral dont tell your GF BJs for a long time to cum, if he been robbing old grannies the cash will be there too, however don't tell anyone and pi$$ it up against the wall.
1) Attend the burning.
2) Read out a eulogy expounding the dangers of drug whoring in the fashion of a really, really outraged Ian Paisley.
3) Pay for a cheap wooden casket. No Nails. (Fitting really, because he wasn’t)
4) Swerve around the offer of nibbles.
5) Get down the pub with your better half.

Duty done.
Deepest sympathy in your families loss, I feel for you (in the nicest way of course). It is another sad reflection of the underclass of the larger society we live in, deprived childhood, lack of hope and self esteem, broken home, poorly educated, benefit dependant, just so so sad.

Now just toss the useless fecker,s cadaver in a skip and forget he ever existed, leave it to the seagulls at the landfill to clear him up. :roll: :roll: :roll: :wink: :wink:
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