Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by tomsim, May 10, 2010.
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Anyone come up with any new jokes on how to get rid of labour, as no body seems to be able to lol
Why are the brains of Labour politicians so valuable?
Because they've never been used!
THIS IS labour GOVERNMENT
REST OF THE WORLD VERSION:
The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.
The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
labour GOVERNMENT THE UK VERSION
The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.
A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are cold and starving.
The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food.
The British press inform people that they should be ashamed that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so, while others have plenty.
The labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The Grasshopper Council of GB demonstrate in front of the squirrel's house. The BBC, interrupting a cultural festival special from Notting Hill with breaking news, broadcasts a multi-cultural choir singing 'We shall overcome'.
Ken Livingstone rants in an interview with Trevor McDonald that the squirrel got rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his 'fair share' and increases the charge for squirrels to enter inner London .
In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer.
The squirrel's taxes are reassessed. He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders for the work he was doing on his home and an additional fine for contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to work. The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid to furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be socially mobile. The squirrel's food is seized and re distributed to the more needy members of society, in this case the grasshopper.
Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start building a new home. The local authority takes over his old home and utilises it as a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to get to Britain as they had to share their country of origin with mice. On arrival they tried to blow up the airport because of Britain 's apparent love of dogs.
The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking and attempted bombing but were immediately released because the police fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody. Initial moves to return them to their own country were abandoned, because it was feared they would face death by the mice. The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from people's credit cards.
A Panorama special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the squirrel's food, though spring is still months away, while the council house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain the house. He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate government funding is blamed for the grasshoppers' drug 'illness'.
The cats seek recompense in the British courts for their treatment since arrival in UK .
The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks. He is placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and supervise him.. Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery.
A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost Â£10,000,000 and state the obvious, is set up. Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for
grasshoppers and legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is increased. The government praises the asylum-seeking cats for enriching Britain 's multicultural diversity, and dogs are criticised by the government for failing to befriend the cats.
The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of the press blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience of prison. They call for the resignation of a government minister.
The cats are paid a million pounds each because their rights were infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice in the United Kingdom .
The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing, the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on their credit cards to cover losses. Their taxes are increased to pay for law and order, and they are told that they will have to work beyond 65 because of a shortfall in government funds.
Abdiel I bow to your literary genius
I think you need to read the topic title ... it asks for 'jokes' not reality
Of course it is a joke. You don't really think that Labour would just say "THE END" and stop the suffering of the squirrel et al? That is just the beginning!!!!!!!
Once upon a time the Bear, the Camel and the Cleg (with some mice) met to resolve the question â who should run the Forest.
The Camel said that it must be he because the Camel party gained the widest support in the Forest. The Cleg complained that the Insect party suffers from the unjust electoral system. The Camel proposed to the Cleg to suck his blood three times and promised consultations about new electoral system.
â But support the Camel government.
The Cleg flew away to discuss the proposition with the flies and the beetles.
Meanwhile the Bear approached the Camel and told:
-Why should we allow this bloodsucker blackmail us? We know each other many years. On many issues, on wars in the Desert and in the Mountains for example, we have the same position. The New Bears really are not so left as it use to be thought.
-So what do you propose?
-To run the Forest together without this boring insect.
âWell, but you are not popular in the Forest. Other Camels would object.
-No problem, I resign. I propose another Bear from our Band. Heâs name is Mili. And letâs recall â we supported the Cow as speaker of the Forest from the Camel party. His name isâ¦
- Berâ¦ Yes, itâs an interesting proposition.
The Cleg returned and began demand some Ants in the Government, permission to suck blood without any restrictions. The Camel refused and the Cleg turned to the Bear.
-I resign. So try to find another idiot.
Nice Parade on Sunday Sergey.
Looks like NATO will be on your side when you have to sort out your Eastern Problem.
Thought our Guards took the prize for Turnout/Smartness.
Couldn't agree more.
Yes, the Welsh Gaurds were the most remarkable participants.
Labour has today changed their emblem from a rose to a condom as it more accurately reflects the governmentâs political stance.
A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks and gives you a sense of security while you are actually being fucked!!
Shaun Turncoat Woodward
It's just a shame that this hung parliament isn't Iraqi style.
My 23yo daughter came out with a classic line yesterday on her FB page, "she wishes that she could meet a man as well hung as this parliament" (and, no, she isn't in the market)
Separate names with a comma.